Sent an "Are you OK?" text and no response. What now?

[Bakerfoot]

A large group of us have been trying to organise a trip away. A man, who has been with us before initially, said he was coming, was included in the group chat re arrangements but hasn't commented since.

He's probably decided not to come, there are various reasons this may be and that's fine. I just sent a DM just to confirm yes/no so we knew numbers and he didn't reply. So next day I just asked are you OK? Still no response.

This is unusual for him. I'm not in any sort of regular contact with him, but when I've needed to contact him re previous arrangements he has always replied promptly.

He's someone with a troubled past, some addiction issues, went off the rails as a youngster, but has been clean and in regular employment, out of trouble for 10 years now. Lives alone. We're not close, it's not my "job" too look out for him, but I am concerned and now I've started it feel I need to follow through.

I've asked a couple of others if they've heard anything from him and they haven't, but again they're not people who would expect to unless there was a specific reason.

I usually see him at a regular thing on Saturday mornings, so I'm hoping he'll be there tomorrow. What else should I do and what do I do if he's not?

Have you tried calling? Could you pop round his house and see if he answers?

Its nice that you’re concerned, especially as he lives alone and it’s unusual for him not to reply.

I don't have a phone number or address. I only really know the basic vicinity of where he lives

If he’s an addict/alcoholic he won’t thank you for that. If you’re truly worried text saying, hey was thinking of popping over to check on you, he’ll probably reply in a few hours (alcoholics can have irregular sleeping patterns).

Periodically send him a text reminding him that you’re there. Once a week or so, but there’s nothing else you can really do.

His addiction isn't alcohol. He avoids drink mostly, but does have the occasional drink socially and seems to be able to manage that.

Is there a way you can get the number from the group text

Treatment to addiction is usually abstinence to all substances including alcohol, as alcohol is a drug. I don’t mean to be funny but could he just be avoiding you? Maybe he wants some space from people?

I get this quite frequently as I am disabled.

There could be all kinds of reasons he hadn't replied - could be ill, could be dealing with family stuff.

Wait and see if he is at the thing on Saturday.

(Rest is personal opinion)

A lot of people seem to think they are responsible for me because I'm disabled. I do find it very hard when they text are you ok because often I'm not (at least by able bodied standards) and it gets very awkward if I reply and say, no, not really.

Most people don't want to offer help. They're just upset at being around illness and disability.

(Previous may not apply to you, apologies if it doesn't)

Yes, I understand it must be hard feeling the need to reassure others you're OK when you're not, I experienced that a bit when DH died.

I would genuinely help if I could though, it's just hard to know what to do (in all these circumstances) that might actually help. I don't know him well, but he gave me a friendly hug at just the right moment about 18 months after we lost DH, when most people assumed I was all back to normal. He probably doesn't even realise how significant it was, but it made a huge difference to me at the time.

Yes, maybe.

I think that's why he mostly avoids alcohol and places where people will be drinking, but e.g at a wedding he will have a couple of drinks and it doesn't seem to have set him back.

Perhaps to you that wedding and the couple of drinks looked ok, but the impact behind the scenes could be much greater. He might be having to work hard on managing the addiction and focusing on that which is why he’s been quiet.

OK, I've just heard from him. He's not OK, but it's not the addiction. I won't say what as I've given quite a lot of his personal info, but it's something that will be hitting him hard relating to a loved one.

I've offered him the chance to chat, which he's doing (online). I genuinely have to drive in his direction this afternoon, so I'll offer to pop in if that's helpful.

From want I know of him, he won't be taking care of himself, but I suspect offering to take food would be a bit much?

Would it be weird to ask who's looking after him? I'm not sure who he's got TBH

Goodness OP, what I wouldn't give for a friend like you, you're a gem

But IME, yes, people do find that a bit much. Sometimes even offering annoys them. Only you can judge what type this chap is.

Rather than phrasing it like 'can I feed you' why don't you text and say 'shall I bring us lunch? What do you fancy?'

Or take some easy to eat prepackaged snacks/ready made sandwiches/prepared fruit for him to keep in the fridge?

Couple of big bottles of pop, some squash, fizzy water, sloer whatever he normally drinks to make it easy for him.

Take food.

You are a gem.

You are a good soul OP

I second the suggestion to say ‘shall I bring us some lunch to share when I pop in’ and then take a bit extra maybe he can have later.

Bless you, you sound lovely.

I would offer to pick up a takeaway or something on your way over.

Agree with taking food, even if it's just cakes with enough so there are some when you've gone. If you're not up to actually making food when you're struggling you sometimes manage to shove something down that's just there if it doesn't need anything doing to it.
It's nice that you care.

You sound lovely and caring OP.

Please if you can try not to major on the fact that he has had addiction issues in the past.

I have too, but it's far from the most interesting, important or relevant thing about me. Yet I have one friend, she is genuinely a kind person, but it is literally the ONLY thing she seems to see when she thinks of me.

I have had to ask her to reign it in, and if she can't I will sadly have to end the friendship ......

This fella has decided to share that he is struggling, and that's brilliant - you must mean a lot to him for him to be able to have done that. Unless he explicitly asks you to factor in his addiction issues in your dealings with him, please try not to bring them up .....

Good luck to both of you! Xx

I don't ever mention his past unless he does and I only mentioned it here because it's a reason I was more worried than I might be for other friends, although I would have been surprised, as he's done so well.

He does sometimes talk about his antics in those days with some affection/humour,l.

I think @CuntRYMusicStar has the right idea there.

@Bakerfoot Take some easy to store food- Chances are he will eat it.