You find out who your friends are...

Sheepcup · 2024-03-28T08:09:12+00:00

They say in hard times you find out who your friends are and that's definitely been true for me. When DH died, lots of people I thought were really good friend disappeared, some were downright nasty, thinking my approach to widowhood was all wrong. (Ie I tried to keep on living rather than looking miserable all the time) . However, there have also been some wonderful surprises, with "aquaintances" really stepping up and being very supportive. One woman I didn't know well at the time has just kept inviting me to things, another brought me into her established hobby group, a man I knew in passing offered to support me with something and then just turned up to do it, at the same time as making it clear he'd leave if I didn't want him to. What happy surprises have you had?

Brandnewskytohangyourstarsupon · 28/03/2024 08:16

It’s bizarre isn’t it.
People just vanish.
Any extra effort needed means that people just don’t have the capacity.

Tragic and traumatic deaths especially. It takes some sticking powers to be around 1,2,3,4,5 years on. Very very few do.

namechangefail88 · 28/03/2024 08:20

Someone I thought of as a friend but not a close friend arranged a really lovely surprise for me on my wedding day in memory of a relative I'd lost. I was so surprised but it was so lovely, I cried.

However I'm not one for 'you find out who your friends are'. Sure if you need them and you ask for help and they don't respond then they're not great friends. But some people just don't know how to behave in difficult situations. Their responses might all be different based on their own personality and history. One friend might arrange a thoughtful, imaginative surprise. One might cook you a nice meal. One might take you on a mad night out to let off some steam. One may do nothing but they're still thinking of you.

We all have busy lives and different personalities.

ARichtGoodDram · 28/03/2024 08:25

I very firmly believe you find out who you can rely on when times are hard.

My surprise has actually been DH’s MiL. He was widowed when we met. I can only imagine how hard it has been for her to see him meet someone else and have more children, and even more so to see me with her grandson when it should be her daughter taking him to school and the likes.
Yet it was her, when Ds was 10 and asked to call me Mum, said that she felt her daughter would approve of him having a Mum since she couldn’t be his mummy. She calls herself my Other-MIL and since DH and I had a child with significant needs she has been utterly amazing.
Very recently she and MiL took me away for a weekend for my birthday and OMIL did all the booking and took me for a city break somewhere I’d always wanted to go.

TheLongpigs · 28/03/2024 08:30

ARichtGoodDram · 28/03/2024 08:25

I very firmly believe you find out who you can rely on when times are hard.

My surprise has actually been DH’s MiL. He was widowed when we met. I can only imagine how hard it has been for her to see him meet someone else and have more children, and even more so to see me with her grandson when it should be her daughter taking him to school and the likes.
Yet it was her, when Ds was 10 and asked to call me Mum, said that she felt her daughter would approve of him having a Mum since she couldn’t be his mummy. She calls herself my Other-MIL and since DH and I had a child with significant needs she has been utterly amazing.
Very recently she and MiL took me away for a weekend for my birthday and OMIL did all the booking and took me for a city break somewhere I’d always wanted to go.

I love this. What amazing people you have in your life!

TheSolstices · 28/03/2024 08:36

namechangefail88 · 28/03/2024 08:20

Someone I thought of as a friend but not a close friend arranged a really lovely surprise for me on my wedding day in memory of a relative I'd lost. I was so surprised but it was so lovely, I cried.

However I'm not one for 'you find out who your friends are'. Sure if you need them and you ask for help and they don't respond then they're not great friends. But some people just don't know how to behave in difficult situations. Their responses might all be different based on their own personality and history. One friend might arrange a thoughtful, imaginative surprise. One might cook you a nice meal. One might take you on a mad night out to let off some steam. One may do nothing but they're still thinking of you.

We all have busy lives and different personalities.

I agree with your second paragraph. I don’t think hard times are necessarily the best way of determining who your friends are. Certainly I think ‘friendship tests’ are seldom a good idea.

And there’s a cultural thing at play here with bereavement — mainstream UK culture is dreadful with death and bereavement. I’m not from the UK, but lived in various parts of England for 25 years. My culture is more at ease with acknowledging death, funeral-going, condoling etc, and it has happened that I’ve looked ‘artificially’ good compared to others, not because I’m necessarily a more thoughtful friend but because my cultural background meant I wasn’t crossing the road to avoid someone because I didn’t know what to say.

Vinorosso74 · 28/03/2024 08:38

Completely agree. I was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 years ago and some friends I've know since school were "we're here for you blah blah". Hardly heard a thing from some of them especially the one who came out with all this. That really hurt as I'd been supportive when they'd had things going on. Found out from other cancer patients they'd had the same happen. Crap really.
Those that really helped, mum's of friends of DD. Some met me for walks/coffee/chat type stuff and they helped out having DD over, taking her out.
One friend, I met through work but wasn't one of my closest friends, checked in on me regularly which made me feel less lonely. Another close friend did but I kind of thought she would.

Original poster

Sheepcup · 28/03/2024 08:39

TheSolstices · 28/03/2024 08:36

I agree with your second paragraph. I don’t think hard times are necessarily the best way of determining who your friends are. Certainly I think ‘friendship tests’ are seldom a good idea.

And there’s a cultural thing at play here with bereavement — mainstream UK culture is dreadful with death and bereavement. I’m not from the UK, but lived in various parts of England for 25 years. My culture is more at ease with acknowledging death, funeral-going, condoling etc, and it has happened that I’ve looked ‘artificially’ good compared to others, not because I’m necessarily a more thoughtful friend but because my cultural background meant I wasn’t crossing the road to avoid someone because I didn’t know what to say.

Show quote history

No, I do understand that, but these friends haven't just not been "there" they've been bitching about my new friendships and "inappropriate" conduct as a widow.

OP posts:

AyeupDuck · 28/03/2024 08:41

@ARichtGoodDram I’m so glad you posted your lovely story and I think your other MIL is an absolute gem.

Original poster

Sheepcup · 28/03/2024 08:42

ARichtGoodDram · 28/03/2024 08:25

I very firmly believe you find out who you can rely on when times are hard.

My surprise has actually been DH’s MiL. He was widowed when we met. I can only imagine how hard it has been for her to see him meet someone else and have more children, and even more so to see me with her grandson when it should be her daughter taking him to school and the likes.
Yet it was her, when Ds was 10 and asked to call me Mum, said that she felt her daughter would approve of him having a Mum since she couldn’t be his mummy. She calls herself my Other-MIL and since DH and I had a child with significant needs she has been utterly amazing.
Very recently she and MiL took me away for a weekend for my birthday and OMIL did all the booking and took me for a city break somewhere I’d always wanted to go.

What an amazing woman. I imagine you letting her into your life has really enhanced hers to 💕

OP posts:

recklessgran · 28/03/2024 08:44

My best surprise was when an ex boyfriend of one of my DD's turned up out of the blue to work in our garden. DH was in the middle of chemo and was at death's door at that point. We had a huge garden hosting the most enormous 300 year old sweet chestnut tree. This was autumn time and the leaves were falling. He gathered all of the leaves [72 bin bags!] and all of the prickly nut burs and got rid of them. It was quite the most unexpected kindness and I shall never forget it.
On the other side of the coin a "dear friend" whom I had supported through her own husband's cancer by sitting with him so she could go out, supporting her, taking her out for numerous lunches, looking after their disabled daughter etc. I didn't see for dust. She phoned me a couple of years later as if nothing had happened. She wanted a favour. Nope. Never heard from her again, I've seen her around but just walk on by now. Still really hurts to have found out the way I did that she wasn't a real friend.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 28/03/2024 08:45

You can’t do widowhood right. I struggle to move forward and feel so hurt all the time.

Im doing it wrong I should be out and about as I’m young enough to meet someone else.

Roselilly36 · 28/03/2024 08:45

Yes, I totally agree with this, when I was very unexpectedly diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis friends I would have certain would have been there, were absent. It was a horrible, bewildering time in my life, and that of DH and DS’ who were quite little at the time. It was really upsetting and so, utterly disappointing.

TheSolstices · 28/03/2024 08:51

Sheepcup · 28/03/2024 08:39

No, I do understand that, but these friends haven't just not been "there" they've been bitching about my new friendships and "inappropriate" conduct as a widow.

Show quote history

That’s deeply unpleasant. Clearly you should withdraw from public life and wear black for 40 years like Queen Victoria.

ARichtGoodDram · 28/03/2024 08:54

Sheepcup · 28/03/2024 08:39

No, I do understand that, but these friends haven't just not been "there" they've been bitching about my new friendships and "inappropriate" conduct as a widow.

Show quote history

My DH said one of the things he’s grateful for in life is that he was male and widowed rather than female and widowed. He says some of the women he met through a widows groups just couldn’t win some peoples eyes, whereas he as a youngish man with a child was seen as some sort of hero for solo parenting his own child.

ValleyClouds · 28/03/2024 09:02

You definitely find out who your friends are if you have/develop a serious illness or disability

It's quite shocking just being dumped.

ValleyClouds · 28/03/2024 09:05

My surprise? Becoming friends with a woman who was ahead of me in school, also has a disability and really hasn't judged me

Hoplolly · 28/03/2024 09:12

When I got divorced I lost of couple of friends, not instantly, but as I built a new life, found a new partner, had another child etc they just disappeared.

At the same time, I developed two new friendships which I've come to rely on massively. One was an acquaintance and the other I actually met on Mumsnet!

LlynTegid · 28/03/2024 09:19

I agree. I remember who contacted me on 7/7 to check I was OK.

Highfivemum · 28/03/2024 09:20

Following the tragic early death of my DB wife he came to live with me for a while. At the funeral everyone offered support. Yet while he lived with me not one person called in person or by phone/ text. no one knew what to say or do and gradually he lost touch with them. However an elderly lady whom my DB had spoken to a handful of times walking his dog was marvellous. She brought endless pots of food around to our house. Checked in on him while I was working without ever being intrusive. What was really nice was she asked about his wife. ( obviously not when it was very raw but over time ) How they met all the things they did together and made his memories important. Wanted to see photographs of her etc. she became a very dear friend of our whole family. She was a widow with no DC and the tables were turned as she got older with my DB doing the same for her she did for him. He would often take her to the shops out for lunch.

she sadly passed away in covid and we all miss her. My DC would call her granny Angel. At her funeral the church was full and people were outside.
Everyone had a tale to tell about granny angel and how she helped them over the years. She had not one biological relative at the funeral yet she had a huge family of friends. She was most definitely an Angel.

Badburyrings · 28/03/2024 09:41

Highfivemum · 28/03/2024 09:20

Following the tragic early death of my DB wife he came to live with me for a while. At the funeral everyone offered support. Yet while he lived with me not one person called in person or by phone/ text. no one knew what to say or do and gradually he lost touch with them. However an elderly lady whom my DB had spoken to a handful of times walking his dog was marvellous. She brought endless pots of food around to our house. Checked in on him while I was working without ever being intrusive. What was really nice was she asked about his wife. ( obviously not when it was very raw but over time ) How they met all the things they did together and made his memories important. Wanted to see photographs of her etc. she became a very dear friend of our whole family. She was a widow with no DC and the tables were turned as she got older with my DB doing the same for her she did for him. He would often take her to the shops out for lunch.

she sadly passed away in covid and we all miss her. My DC would call her granny Angel. At her funeral the church was full and people were outside.
Everyone had a tale to tell about granny angel and how she helped them over the years. She had not one biological relative at the funeral yet she had a huge family of friends. She was most definitely an Angel.

That's so lovely, got a tear in my eye reading that.