Is he doing this delberately?

[Sheepcup]

I've been training for a marathon with a friend. He is just a friend, but we've got quite close over many hours of running.

Were both single. He has a much busier life than I do with a full on job, grandchildren and a big project he's working on, which is all good, he's had a tough couple of years and it's good to see him throwing himself into things. I work PT and am currently experiencing empty nest syndrome, so trying to keep myself busy.

He keeps suggesting things we can do together once our training is finished, things that would mean we either need to keep running together regularly or train for something else. Some of them are quite extreme and would be very time consuming, but all the ideas come from him.

Then, as soon as I show any interest he decides he won't have time. Which is probably true, but it seems to me is a way of massaging his ego at the same time as knocking mine.

Yes, the friends/not just friends issue has the potential to get messy, but outside of that, is he doing this deliberately?

Why is that knocking your ego? If you want to do those things, can you not do them on your own? Can you just say "lovely idea. I will do it, and if you are free, feel free to join me. Otherwise I'll do it anyway"

Well because it's always suggested initially as something for us to do together.

At some point it must start to get ridiculous - him suggesting doing something but it never happens. Maybe next time he suggests, say it sounds good but that you doubt he'll have time, just like with the other thing(s).

It's hard to know if he's doing it on purpose. He might be an optimistic type of person at the idea stage but then panic about time if it starts to look like a goer. Or, as you say, he might enjoy the control element of it.

Yes, I wondered if he's doing it because he would like to continue doing something together, but then his sensible head reminds him he doesn't have time. Or it could just be an ego boost.

I think I'm just going to tell him I've noticed and that it's unkind. We've developed the kind of relationship where we can have a heart to heart and be quite blunt with each other - running and chatting, with no eye contact, is good for that!

Good idea. I do know that some men get a kick out of getting a woman emotionally invested and then letting her down - it's a controlling thing I think. I came across this when online dating.

The fact that you feel this is what is going on here and that it makes you feel shit as a result warrants speaking to him about it. Whether or not it's intentional on his part, he needs to know it's a crap thing to do.

Yes, if he's the man I think he is, I think it will bother him that he's done it subconsciously. If he reacts otherwise, it's best that I know that.

I've definitely come across this with another male friend. He pursued me for nearly 2 years and as soon as I'd agreed to date him, he decided he just wanted to be friends. He's currently doing exactly the same to another woman. If it wasn't so upsetting for her it would be funny, it's been identical every step of the way.

Wish these men would bloody well get themselves to a therapist to deal with their childhood trauma.

Well because it's always suggested initially as something for us to do together.

yes, I understand, but why are the cancelations knocking your ego? (your words). He is showing you that he is unreliable, and a bit of a dreamer. He dreams big plans and doesn't think about them properly, so he ends up having to cancel. Now that you know, I would just wait and next time he comes up with this super plan, I would be blunt. "is this something you can commit to, or is it just a dream and you are going to cancel again? my time is valuable so I won't commit unless you are sure"

Because its part of an "I'm going to miss these sessions with you" conversation and then once he's let me believe we could enjoy some ridiculous challenge together, he tells me he actually doesn't want it enough to find the time.

If course I can do it on my own, but the reasons behind it would be different. Probably he doesn't (consciously) mean it like that, but that's how it feels when it keeps happening.

That is interesting. The "let's just be friends" man's mother left the country to be with another man when he was 10yo, he didn't see her again until he was 23, although they seem close now.

Running man's father was an alcoholic.

It often seems like most people have some childhood trauma.

He wants you to say pleeeaaassee can we do x together.. . He is an attention seeker imo.

I've known a lot of people who do this kind of thing in a purely platonic context. In person there's a lot of enthusiastic talk about catching up more often, doing X Y and Z together, getting tickets for that upcoming thing. Then they're a lot flakier when it comes to actually doing it! I also sometimes worry I've been that person myself.

I think some people are just over-optimistic in the moment about how much time and energy they actually have. And some people are just flakes. It's annoying for sure but not really a friendship-breaking trait.

If you have a straight-talking relationship, definitely just bring it up! Next time he suggests something just say "well you flaked the last 2/3/4 times so I'm not getting my hopes up...."

Yes and I deliberately haven't done that, only responded to his suggestions.

I work with troubled teens. We don't have attention seekers anymore, but talk about attention needs...It is a basic human need, there's nothing necessarily wrong with it.

I would be very tempted to say something like no worries, my friend John has been wanting to do that so I'll do it with him.

He's not flaky though. He's very reliable once arrangements have been made.

Some people are definitely flaky about making arrangements! Flakiness once arrangements have been made is a different (and definitely more annoying) thing.