Friend determined to set me up

[Brightshoe]

She's a good friend, has been an absolute rock since DH died a few years ago. Really got me out of the house and helped me build a very active single/social life.

As a result, I now have a wide circle of friends and am busy most weekends doing something. I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but a lot of them seem to be men. It certainly wasn't deliberately, they just seem to be the ones most available/willing when we're arranging things. There's a mixture of married and single men and women in my circle though.

Friend is very happily married. They appear to have the perfect relationship, 30+ years married and they clearly love each other's company, have a lot of fun together, support each others goals and at the same time have seperate interests etc. This is all lovely, but I'm happy single. I like men, but have no ambition to have one permanently. TBH my current arrangements, where I get some male company but don't have to give anything except friendship suits me fine. I miss sex, but not enough to want to change the rest of my life for it, and I don't think I'd be good at very casual sex, I'd get emotionally involved.

Friend wants everyone to have what she and DH have and is constantly trying to push me and friends together, which I just laugh off.

However, lately she's been going on an on about how well suited I and one of our male friends are. We do get on, in another life maybe, but as he's married I have never ever even considered him like that. It would shake me to think the thought had crossed his mind too.

Friend keeps telling me she doesn't think his marriage is doing well, as if I'm supposed to think this is good news! I know and like his wife, they have different interests, she doesn't join the things we do together, but they do a lot as a couple too. I've never heard him speak of her in anything except kind and loving terms. Besides which, if I thought they were struggling. that would be even more reason for me to stay well away. He's always behaved completely properly towards me.

Friend means we'll, I think, but other than stepping back and losing this group that's become such a big part of my life, what do I do? I've tried telling her how damaging her meddling could be.

Be very clear. 'Janet, I find it insulting and offensive that you think I should get together with Jeff, particularly as I know and like his wife. Please don't ever mention this again, or I will cut contact with you. I'm genuinely upset that you think I would ever pursue a married man. I've really appreciated everything you've done for me, but I'm horrified that you seem to think this is ok'.

You have to stop fobbing her off, or you'll lose all your friendship group - and why should you have to, because of her?

Be as bluntly rude as you can and tell her you are now drawing a line under the conversation. She is never to bring it up again.

Yes, it all sounds so simple. She'll say "yes, I get that, but you would make such a good couple"

I bet she fancies him!

I hadn't thought of that. I doubt it though.

Perhaps say ‘there’s only one married man I’d like to pursue things with, and that’s your husband, Janet’. See how she likes it when it’s her marriage.

Good on you, OP for having morals and dignity.

Does Janet get on with the other woman? I know her name isn’t Janet btw, but it’s stuck now.

That's really wrong of her if he's married

Then put the phone down. And ignore it if she rings back.

Or get up, put your coat on and leave.

She will get the message. You really have to be clear that she has to stop - that she's upsetting you by making these comments.

You should get angry with her.
How dare she suggest you have the morals of an alley cat!

Also point out any man who would cheat on his wife is not a man you can trust!

She's not advocating anyone cheats, she's managed to convince herself he'll soon be single, which feels even worse to me.

She comes across as a tricoteuse

Yes, that probably is fair. She's very entertaining and generally well meaning, but she doesn't have much of a filter.

I was going to say count yourself lucky your friends don’t think you should stay indoors and wear black for the rest of your life. But she’s trying to set you up with a married man? Who is part of your actual friendship group?
Yes that is bang out of order and, even worse, the couple in question may think you are the instigator behind any “enquiries“ your friend makes. You need to have words, sharpish. And harsh ones at that.

If she goes on about him again, just say that if his marriage does break up then she can mention him to you again, but in the meantime she needs to STFU.

It's not particularly helpful to me anyway. Imagine if I did have feelings for him and she's sowing the seed that he could soon be mine....What a miserable way to live

She's being extremely irritating! I get she's been a good friend in the past but she's crossing a line now. Even if he was single she shouldn't be going on about it. I hate it when married people can't accept that it's fine for someone to be single. It's incredibly patronising and childish to try and fix single friends up with men. I'm happily married but wouldn't dream of behaving that way. If someone's happily single, leave them to it.

Why don't you tell her that you're not interested in him and wouldn't be even if he was single. Tell her something about his looks / smell is a deal breaker for you. And say how much you love being single.

For something a little less confrontational perhaps try...

"Look Janet, I'm happy as I am, really I am. I appreciate you looking out for me though. Seriously, I'll let you know if and when I think about dating and we can talk about it then'. Then at every other mention it's... 'Look, I've told you, not interested!!'.

Yes she may have dodgy morals but no point losing a friendship over this if she's otherwise lovely.

What do you normally say when she mentions it? If it’s a joky ‘Oh Janet, don’t be awful!’ She might think you find it all a bit of a joke. I think if you say quite seriously ‘I know you’re looking out for me, but honestly, PLEASE stop talking about me getting together with Jeff. He’s a nice guy and I don’t want to be speculating about issues in his marriage. I’m sure you’d hate it if someone was talking about you and your DH that way!’

I've just been barking "stop it" quite fiercely, especially if others are in ear shot, to try and shut it down, and she'll say something like "I'm just saying".

When she talks about his marriage I tell her, very genuinely, that I think they're lovely together, they have seperate interests but also have lots of trips/days out etc together, seems like relationship goals to me.