What game is she playing?

[Alwaysallways]

Our niece’s birthday was at the weekend. I have spent the last two weeks trying to find a date with my sister to catch up and give her the present. She has made excuses each and every time, saying too busy or similar on literally all the dates I suggested.

After ages of her declining things (weekend afternoons, lunch time weekdays if I nip away from my desk, evenings on weekdays) she will finally make herself available at what seems to be really bizarre times of day. Usually 7am. When I apologise for being unavailable - usually getting ready for work or still asleep! - she will then say, they deserve people who will prioritise meeting them and make time to do so.

Any time present exchanges come up, it goes this same way. She insisted we didn’t buy Christmas presents for her family because she values ‘presence over presents’. We bought for the kids anyway and she refused to take the presents, which I found upsetting as we’d taken time and thought to buy them something they’d love. Made for an awkward moment at a family gathering. They then handed us our presents, the ones they said they weren’t going to buy, which left us really shown up but obviously we gratefully accepted them.

Is it just one big game to her or is there more to this that I am missing?

Does she not work?

I'd ask her outright what her beef is.

What happens when you present her with these facts about her behaviour and ask what the problem is? And why didn’t you just refuse the gifts when she refused yours?

Perhaps she doesn't want to accept a relationship which she deems to be on your terms?

A frank conversation regarding your relationship and expectations going forward is probably the best course of action.

It absolutely infuriates me when "family" pop round with presents etc for the kids when they don't have any relationship with them, ask about them, know anything about them etc...

If you want to get this sorted then definately have the awkward conversation and get it ironed out.

Send it by post and be done with it. Stop fucking about with your nutter of a sister.

No she doesn’t work

I don't know but she sounds like hard work

Just stop. She doesn’t want a relationship between you and them, so there’s not much you can do about it really.

There is more to this that you are missing, but not clear what.

She thinks you don't see them or want to see them enough. Possibly that you are fitting her in and putting work or your stuff first, and 2nd (which may be the case, but you have tried).

She wants intimacy in time terms, not substitute terms, even if the gifts were carefully thought out. This is less of an easy thing to work out if there are a lot of things that stand in the way of that.
If you had met (in person?) at 7am, what do you think would have happened? Does she cancel easily or would it be 'meet-up at all costs'?

She is a complete control freak and I would keep away from her as much as possible. I would send presents for the children through the post but otherwise not see them. I couldn't be doing with it. You say she doesn't work. I think she would really struggle to work with other people as she sounds absolutely impossible.

Completely stop engaging.

post presents.

It’s a power thing. She always wants to be the victim/show you as discourteous by her ever changing terms.

I had a former friend I’ve now stepped away from who was like this (also other stuff but the gifts remind me of her!) Gifts were always wrong or unacknowledged. Splashed out on White Co handwash/moisturiser set once after spotting a candle in her living room and she loudly declared ‘these will be great for the Air BnB’. Conversely I’d be pulled up if I didn’t send Thankyou cards/a pic of my kids in outfits she’d chosen and there was this whole saga when I Fb marketplaces old baby clothes which included a gift from her- my kids were 7 & 9 at the time!

She also always complained at restaurants and any food I made there was something she was allergic to or ‘never ate’.

I think she just always wanted me apologising, I’ve no idea why but it was exhausting and thankless! She does actually have a reason to be pissed off with me now which is probably the greatest gift I’ve ever given her 😅