A comment my boyfriend made has really triggered me and I don’t know why

[Luciferthethird]

I had a very long post written and then my phone died before i could post which says it all really

But the short version is I declined a girls trip because my boyfriend of 7 months had a weekend away planned, for reasons out of his control we had to postpone our weekend

Was I wrong to then go in the girls trip, ( that he assured me he was fine with me going, no problem at all and there would be no resentment) when I came home told me he felt I’d “made the wrong choice” and I should have chosen to spend the weekend with him and that he feels like he comes second.
He doesn’t but I also don’t want to put friends and family aside because I’m now in a relationship
its the made the wrong choice comment it triggers me and I don’t know why I felt like I was being gaslit buts not gaslighting or is it… I don’t know everything else is hunky dory i just can’t seem to get past this

Maybe not gaslighting but controlling. If the weekend you two had planned didn’t come off why on earth shouldn’t you spend time with your friends?
I hope you won’t think twice about seeing your friends in future.

He sounds entitled. The 'wrong choice' comment especially would put my back up. Even a 'I wish you'd stayed here with me, why am I not your priority?' would be annoying, but presenting it as some objective choice/test you failed is worse. Your plans with him had already be postponed. He shouldn't have wanted you to sit around moping because of it.

Dump this bellend. He’s fucking with you. It will get worse.

you made the wrong choice

who the actual fuck does he think he is?

7 months in and he's showing you he's a controlling belllend.

Fitchburg idiot now.

You did prioritise his weekend away over the girls weekend away. When his weekend didn’t materialise, it was fine to go on the girls one.

bit of a red flag for him to say you made the wrong choice and didn’t prioritise him -
you did prioritise him. depends on what else goes on really, but it does sound gaslighty.

Absolutely. Sounds like 7 months is enough.

Don’t get past it. As pp have said he’s showing you who he is, believe him and get rid. And listen to that voice inside that's telling you this behaviour and attitude of his isn’t right - because it isn’t and you’ll regret not letting your little voice help you. Controlling narc men 😤

It's almost like he's testing you .7mth in can you really be arsed with the game playing..he will get worse.get rid of this one.

Bin him.

You did prioritise him over your friends. Did this weekend away for the two of you even exist before you mentioned going away with your friends?

What did he think that instead of going away with your friends you should have stayed home with him because you two 'almost' went away that weekend??

Also telling you he's fine with you going then saying you made the 'wrong' choice is a dick move. So he 'let you' go but then makes you feel guilty when you get back?

This feels controlling to me. Next time there's a night away planned with girls will you feel anxious about telling him. If he sulks will you feel like you shouldn't go? It's hard to know but to me this reeks of a man who thinks his girl friend shouldn't enjoy herself independently of him.

🎵Some boys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world.

You made the wrong choice in dating him.

Move on. (Without him, in case that isn’t clear).

His behaviour should trigger you!

Why?

1. He is dishonest - he reassured you that he was OK with you going, but he wasn't, or if he sincerely changed his mind then he is dishonest to blame you
2. He doesn't take responsibility for his feelings
3. He shows zero self awareness
4. He makes you the problem and blamea you
5. He tells you who you are, as if he is god or can be inside your mind to tell you when you've made a mistake
6. He is makes himself superior and treats you as if you are inferior
7. He is passive-aggressive, making strange comments rather than being direct
8. You can't feel that safe talking with him as you didn't just ask him what he meant, so he is probably doing things to make you feel hesitant to talk to him

Are these enough reasons for why you would find yourself triggered?

Please listen to, and trust your instincts.

I couldn't be doing with this. Was there any particular reason he thought you should have prioritised him that weekend? I mean if the weekend had to be cancelled because he was undergoing emergency surgery or his Mum had just died, yes maybe he has a point - and you could excuse the lack of consistency in what he's saying because of grief/illness. If not, he's being a dick. It's concerning that you even had to reassure you there'd be no resentment, that suggests he already has form for behaving this way too.

My Dad is like this - it's exhausting for everyone, dump him now before you get inured to his behaviour

@Luciferthethird

From my experiences being the age that i am 50yrs of age,

This is a red flag,
he comes across as manipulative controlling abusive emotionally immature man child,

It's good he has shown you this side aspect of his psyche his character so early on,

Believe him,!

Don't waste your time and energy disbelieving him and trying to change him,

as this is controlling behaviour too even with best intentions,

He is simply just not worth it,

Imagine putting up with all kinds of manipulative controlling abusive from this Prick,
his toxic abusive compulsions and ways will seep into other areas of your relationship and your life,

Believe me it will get even worse sooner or later as time goes on,
trust me on that,
How 🤔 do i know ?
From very bitter experiences,

I wish i had listened to many red flags all those years ago as insecure niave troubled teenager,
would have saved me from heartaches 💔 and humiliation and mistreatment and abusive misogynistic frankly disturbing behaviour...

My advice ditch him as soon as possible,

He is no good for you and never will be ever

Just cause you are in a relationship with someone
It doesn't mean you are like a simese twin joined at the hip having to do everything or allmost that with your lover, or you have to agree on allmost everything that is your partner demands whims ect,
he is very insecure with a lot of very deep seated issues,

@Luciferthethird

It's a Major red flag so big,
It's like a communists party reunion Banners waving in the wind,
Heralding looming impending Toxic headfuck behaviour is going to envitably going to happen sooner or later

Take heed of the warning

It could even save your life.!

Och tell him to fuck off.

He's toying with you and it isn't playful.

Test him... tell him you're out with your friends Saturday night or similar, see what he says. You may have your answer.

"when I came home told me he felt I’d “made the wrong choice” and I should have chosen to spend the weekend with him"

He made the wrong choice in cancelling the weekend.

Make the right choice now and bin him.

It's controlling, don't move in with him.

I think the thing about his phrase you made the wrong choice is the implication that there were two outcomes - one right and one wrong - like on an exam paper, and you got the wrong one. The fact that he didn't tell you this until after you got back makes it seem even more like an exam paper! You had to make your decision "in exam conditions".

The problems I would have with this are:

1. He thinks that he's right and you're wrong - how arrogant. By phrasing it as "the wrong choice" he's implying there's no grey area or room for discussion here. This is controlling behaviour.
2. By not telling you until you got back, rather than having a sensible conversation beforehand in which he says it would mean a lot to him if you didn't go, he's "testing" you. This is designed to make you get the "treading on eggshells" feeling common to many abusive relationships. Am I doing something wrong? Will he be cross with me?

Red flags here OP.

Wow . When I go away with my girlfriends leaving him at home this is what happens.
Him
“ I hope you have a great time darling”
Me
Thanks

Him
” I’m so glad you had fun, you really deserved a weekend of fun with your friends, I’ve cooked us a nice dinner to welcome you home”

This is what should have happened.

Now run for the hills from this manipulative arsehole!

I'm going with other pp..there was no weekend away booked away for the two of you.

7 months is far too long to be putting up with this from this bellend. This shouldn't have gotten past the first date

Run, please run. He will get worse. Been there and this is exactly how they start. Get out while you can.

I'm older than you by many years. If you were my daughter, I'd be concerned about the relationship and I'd strongly advise you end and it. He's wrong, it's red flags, and it won't last. IMHE, the relationships I have seen that are healthy and happy, go the distance because both partners are respectful of the others needs to want to see family and friends. No well balanced, decent, emotionally intelligent person, would try to alienate you from your closest relationships.