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What am I meant to feel

16 replies

Skittles2024 · 25/03/2024 10:50

I have had no contact from my mother for many many years. She left my dad when I was 13. I tried to have a relationship with her but she just did not want to know. I tried so hard . I tried a handful of times as an adult as well . In the end I gave up. I thought I can't make her be my mum. And she had no interest in her grandchildren either. The thing is I know that I never ever did anything wrong to her . There's never been an argument nothing
But yet she took an interest in my other siblings and their families. Even the ones that did do her wrong.

I did bump into her about 5/6 years ago in London I had to take my son to the hospital. I saw her and was going to walk past her buy I decided to say hello . It was litterly a sentence each. And I just felt nothing. It was like when you see the same people on your travels in the morning and you give then a nod but you don't really know them.

Anyway my sister contacted me to tell me that my mother's partner has contacted her saying that over the past year my mums health has gone down hill. She spebds most of her time in bed. She can't walk without assistance. And can't get up from a chair on her own and has lost alot of weight. And her memory is also bad. He is looking to put her into a home. And if any of us have any suggestions that we should make contact. I doubt very much my mother even remembers who I am.

I don't really know why I have posted this.

I don't know how I'm meant to feel . I feel sorry for her but i also feel angry and upset with her . Which is very selfish of me.

OP posts:
GalileoHumpkins · 25/03/2024 11:09

I think feeling upset and angry is perfectly natural, she let you down very badly. It isn't selfish. I'm sorry that she was never a mum to you.

Butwhataboutthesealions · 25/03/2024 11:09

Don't tie yourself in knots worrying about how you should feel.

You feel what you feel. Angry and upset is fine. It isn't selfish at all.

No doubt you'll get posters coming along to say "but she's your mum". So what? Doesn't sound like she was much of a mum.

Hope you can find some peace OP.

Purplecatshopaholic · 25/03/2024 11:19

She’s your bio mother. She was clearly not much of a mum. I’m really sorry op. Your feelings are valid - I certainly would not make any effort in your position. She made her bed.

MollyButton · 25/03/2024 11:28

I would suggest you get some professional help to talk it through. Even if someone has been awful to us times like this can be hard to cope with. And even more confusing because of the mixture of emotions and the grief for the person they weren't.

Skittles2024 · 25/03/2024 11:55

MollyButton · 25/03/2024 11:28

I would suggest you get some professional help to talk it through. Even if someone has been awful to us times like this can be hard to cope with. And even more confusing because of the mixture of emotions and the grief for the person they weren't.

I don't have funding for that. Its very new only found out last night. Emotional/feelings will settle

OP posts:
Skittles2024 · 25/03/2024 12:00

Purplecatshopaholic · 25/03/2024 11:19

She’s your bio mother. She was clearly not much of a mum. I’m really sorry op. Your feelings are valid - I certainly would not make any effort in your position. She made her bed.

There's nothing I cam do anyway. As I said I don't think she will even know who I am. I looked after my dad when he had cancer till he passed away. I would have done the same for my mother . But we don't have a relationship. She lives far away and to move her and to a busy house hold of people she does not know would probably mess her up.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 25/03/2024 12:06

Whatever caused your mum to behave the way she did had nothing to do with you.

Skittles2024 · 25/03/2024 12:21

Eyesopenwideawake · 25/03/2024 12:06

Whatever caused your mum to behave the way she did had nothing to do with you.

I know logically that's true . It's just sad I guess.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 25/03/2024 12:23

Yes, it is. I hope you've got lots of RL support. X

Floopani · 25/03/2024 12:25

You're not the selfish one OP. Feelings just are, they don't need to be judged. Be kind to yourself.

Pegsmum · 25/03/2024 12:29

You aren’t selfish at all. I know you say that she probably won’t know who you are but do you want to go and see her? For your sake?

Skittles2024 · 25/03/2024 12:39

Pegsmum · 25/03/2024 12:29

You aren’t selfish at all. I know you say that she probably won’t know who you are but do you want to go and see her? For your sake?

No I don't think I do. She has rejected me from childhood through to adult. If I saw her now and she did it again it would be opening old wounds. If she was to reach out to me then I would because I know it would be a choice she made and would have taken her some courage to do that.

OP posts:
Pegsmum · 25/03/2024 13:04

Skittles2024 · 25/03/2024 12:39

No I don't think I do. She has rejected me from childhood through to adult. If I saw her now and she did it again it would be opening old wounds. If she was to reach out to me then I would because I know it would be a choice she made and would have taken her some courage to do that.

In my circumstance, it was suggested to me that I write a letter to the person to say how I felt but not to send it. I didn’t do it because I didn’t see the point of writing a letter that would never be read.
I don’t know if it would be useful to you-but you’re right in saying that emotions and feelings do move on.
She may have given birth to you but that didn’t make her your mum and she doesn’t deserve to take up space in your head. Be kind to yourself.

Skittles2024 · 25/03/2024 17:02

Pegsmum · 25/03/2024 13:04

In my circumstance, it was suggested to me that I write a letter to the person to say how I felt but not to send it. I didn’t do it because I didn’t see the point of writing a letter that would never be read.
I don’t know if it would be useful to you-but you’re right in saying that emotions and feelings do move on.
She may have given birth to you but that didn’t make her your mum and she doesn’t deserve to take up space in your head. Be kind to yourself.

Ah yes I done tjat on the past about other stuff made me feel much worse. Won't be doing that again. Probably helpful to some people though

OP posts:
Notthatcatagain · 25/03/2024 17:09

I eventually realised that I was not sad about the mother that I had but about the one that I wished that I'd had. I still miss that one. My actual bio mum, not so much. She's gone now and can't hurt me ever again

Skittles2024 · 25/03/2024 17:16

Notthatcatagain · 25/03/2024 17:09

I eventually realised that I was not sad about the mother that I had but about the one that I wished that I'd had. I still miss that one. My actual bio mum, not so much. She's gone now and can't hurt me ever again

I'm sorry you went through such a hard time 💐

OP posts:
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