DH and time alone

[marmiteontoastt]

NC for this. We have two DDs (4 and 1). DH always finds time for himself and I’m always left to do the housework. He does do some and also cooks about 50% of our dinners but im not happy with how things are going in our home.

Our weekends often look like this: we go out in the morning (to a park or for a shop etc). We come home for lunch. He cooks for himself and DD4 and leaves me to cook for myself and DD1 (she has food allergies so eats separately, but could easily have peanut butter on toast, etc.) He then tells DD4 to play by herself in her room and goes to his home office to play video games. I’m left to clean up and get DD1 sorted for a nap. If she doesn’t sleep or sleeps for a short while (sometimes only 45 min) I’m responsible for getting her out of bed and playing with her whilst he’s still sat in his office. I love both of my DDs but I also would like time to myself occasionally.

Also, in between getting ready in the morning, he has a shower and takes time to scroll on his phone whilst I am loading the dishwasher and the laundry and setting the pot going for dinner.

I’m juggling all of the balls and I’m exhausted. I’ve pointed out that I don’t get time to myself and he says I do when the children are in nursery, only that’s when I’m at work! (I am PT he is FT). I occasionally have the odd day off when they’re both cared for by someone else but that time is usually consumed by mountains of laundry and other housework.

How do you work this out? He doesn’t seem to think anything is wrong. Im knackered. Is this something a counsellor can help with? We don’t have a cleaner and don’t have the money for one unfortunately. I recognise that might help a bit but it also seems to be more of an underlying issue of DH being selfish. Can we recover from this? I’ve come up to our bedroom to lie down and am frankly fuming.

how come the name change op

it’s not you that is behaving selfishly

it’s your utterly self absorbed twat or a husband

how part time are you?

why can’t he cook for you and his daughter

and then you do something for your children wth allergies (although how broad are the allergies to mean he can’t include them?!)

Counselling and cleaners won’t really help in the long run. You need to set out a plan together (I know it’s really easy to say!). So literally my bro and his wife talk about everything (myself and dh used to raise our eyebrows about it but my god they’re spot on!)- so one would say ‘I’m about to do x, do you wannna do y?’ but about everything! Then in the evening they'd talk ‘tomorrow I have to do x, would you be able to do y?’ It’s because they’re full time in jobs with commutes but my hos they’re a machine (it looks exhausting tbh and sometimes I thought it would just be easier to do it instead of the planning but still!)

@TheNewDeer I work 3 days. I don’t know why he can’t cook for me and DD1. I reckon it’s because when she was tiny and BF I also eliminated that food so we sort of divided up the feeding of the children, and really the care, he took care of DD4 whilst I had DD1. But now that she’s bigger it just feels selfish

@stayathomer thanks, yes I reckon we need to sit down and have a chat but I’m struggling with the right words. I don’t want to be accusatory but really I do feel he’s being quite selfish. He could easily unload the dishwasher. I feel I’m starting to keep track of what he’s doing (or not) and that feels quite dangerous to me.

you don’t know why he can’t cook for you

so you have never asked?

Do I need to add all of the emotional labour, like planning birthdays and sending cards, etc? He says I shouldn’t worry myself with it but if I don’t do it, it just won’t happen.

@TheNewDeer apologies, I meant it feels we’ve gotten into a pattern from dividing the childcare when DD1 was tiny and just stayed there

op

do you love him? he is a good man? does he love and care and support you?

because if he does, then just sit down tonight with him over dinner just the two of you… and talk!

Just don't do it for his family or friends at all

You could make plans for the afternoon and tell him to give the dc( both of them) their lunch and leave the house . Start carving out time for yourself.

Sorry not the point but how do you get your 4yo to play independently in their room? Mine is 6 and has never done this really, I don't get a second to myself 😭😂

I feel I’m starting to keep track of what he’s doing (or not) and that feels quite dangerous to me

In what way is it dangerous ? What would happen if you could quantify the disparity in your leisure time? So if you, for example , knew that had 10 hours a week free time compared to your zero hours a week? Or that when he looks after the children he refuses to multi task eg watch the kids AND load the dishwasher or fold the washing?

Can he play video games when the kids are in bed. How much gaming does he do during the week?

He sends dd off so he can play games? Fuck that.

Can you not just alternate a Saturday afternoon so you both get some time for yourself? Or even just an hour each? You need to tag team.

My god, grow a backbone and start dividing up chores and responsibility

There’s a book called ‘Fair Play’ which is quite good for this. It divides everything into tasks which you then deal out as cards according to who currently does what, and look at the balance and whether it’s fair. The idea is that rather than aiming to do the same tasks or even the same amount of tasks, you should figure out an equilibrium where you both get leisure and both periodically swap the tasks that are a pain in the neck.

Instead of focussing on him being selfish, I think you should focus on being a bit “selfish” yourself. I used “” because it’s not selfish to have your own needs met. Once a weekend just tell him you need a couple of hours to be alone to [insert self care thing].
Separate to that it seems time you combined family meals together at the weekend as your dd1 is becoming a toddler rather than a baby.

You need to sit him down op and have a real honest conversation with him about how this makes you feel. If yes not listening then tell him what you will and won't be doing any more e.g presents or life admin for his side of family, his clothes washing, cool for him, basically the things he doesn't do for you and soon he will see the differences. I left it way too long and was in a very similar situation and ended up with a completely enabled husband who did nothing to help me and erupted in resentment

I’m on mobile so it’s hard to scroll up to tag individual posters, but I appreciate all of the replies.

Gaming he does on the weekends whilst our eldest is playing in her room. So about 1.5-2 hours each day. Sometimes if I go to bed early I think he stays up for another hour or so playing a game but not always. During the week it’s maybe an hour or so in the evening when the kids are in bed. So not loads but still it’s time he carves for himself whilst I’m cleaning, doing the weekly shop, etc.

For the 4 yo playing on her own: We started that when she dropped her nap at 3 and she’s always been alright with it. She’s always been fairly independent?

I’ve heard of the Fair Play book, I don’t know if DH will be keen but I’m at a bit of a break point here.

He has always had a bit higher requirement for time alone than I do and I’m not at all opposed to him having time to himself, but it feels quite imbalanced now. I think the addition of a second DC just means there is less time in the day, so it brings the alone time issue to the fore. You’re right I shouldn’t think of it as selfish but just think of each of us and our needs as individuals. I do love him and he is a good man, husband, and father so LTB doesn’t work in this scenario.

To the person who’s been through this, I’m sorry you ended up with such an entitled DH. It’s so tiring. I reckon mine doesn’t quite realise how bloody angry I am so I will try to calm down a bit before we chat.

For the emotional labour, it’s hard because really I’m quite close with his mum and sister. So to not send a card for their birthdays feels dreadful :( (ironically he’s excellent at giving thoughtful gift’s and has never missed my birthday or our anniversary in over 15 years!)

And yes we need a better meal pattern as DD1 is transitioning into toddlerhood, I didn’t realise how divided it was until posting about it here today.

Why? It's the weekend and everyone is relaxing. He's spent all morning at the park with his daughter.

When I was the same age my dad would do similar. He'd take me out in the morning on Saturday or Sunday to the park or to a museum or some such. We'd have a great time, then we'd come home and have lunch. After that he'd sit on the couch reading a book or watching telly while I pottered with my toys either in my bedroom or in the living room, and he'd inevitably drift off for a nap. It was lovely. At some point I'd do something crafty with my mum or some baking. As I got older, I'd head out to play with my friends.

Children don't need to be entertained by their parents every minute of the day.

OP, the situation you have now is not fair on you but you need to sit with your husband and talk it through. Establish a routine and division of labour you are both happy with. Sometimes we slip into patterns and carry on like that. I would suggest you don't both have to go to the park every week either. Why not one of you go with both kids? You can alternate this and then sometimes all go together too. I think you really need to shake things up from the current routine.

You need to communicate with each other to sort it out. Beyond that, only you can know if he's normally a decent, loving guy or an asshole.

What you do is this: You walk into the room where he's gaming, you hand over the baby and say "I'm just popping out, I won't be long".
Then go. In a flash, before he has time to stop you. Jump in the car and go. It doesn't matter where, just so long as you are on your own and he has the dc.

You have two issues there: time of the do what you find relaxing (he likes gaming, you might prefer something wise) and who is doing what in the house.

The Fair Play game is a really good idea fir dealing with who is doing what.

For time off, I’d just hand him dd1 and told him you’re off for a couple of hours. I wouldn’t discuss it because it’s too easy for him to take it as a personal attack. And let’s face it, he never asked you if you were happy with it either.
It might well spark a conversation initiated by him on ensuring you both have some time off wo the dcs.

Oh and yes please remind him that if work is time off to relax, then he is having all day everyday to relax. . it’s only fair you catch up on downtime during the weekend

The first thing is to agree that if you make the mess you clear it up. Eg. If he cooks, he cleans it up. It's unfair that he's cooking for two, You're cooking for two and yet you are then clearing up for four. How does that happen?? Also, as someone mentioned above, you need some time completely alone so that you don't become default parent and he realises that he does actually have two kids to care for. Plan to be out for a whole day and also agree that you don't expect to come home to a mess. He clears up whatever mess he and the kids make, as I'm sure you do.