DH care of toddler - advice/AIBU?

[AIBUmummy]

Part AIBU, part advice - we have two DC, I am aware of maternal gatekeeping. I certainly had some of that with our first and was overprotective, which may have set a precedent for DH feeling defensive. I thought it was sorted and things had been going smoothly with our second (18 mos) until recently.

Here are some examples where I feel how DH's care is not adequate:

• DD was unwell with diarrhoea and developed nappy rash. He wasn't applying nappy cream and I reminded him. Also reminded him to wipe back to front 😐
• Because DD has been unwell, I've been up with her during the night (we are still BF) so he gets her in the morning to give me a rest. She'll be up at 6:30 and I'll stay in bed until 7:15 or so. When I come down, he's got breakfast going for the kids but hasn't changed her nappy. Today she was sat in a full nappy with wee and had done a poo, leaked through her pyjamas and onto her chair. She was happily eating but 😨He will be eating his own breakfast and having coffee, so it's not that he hasn't had time. He seems to have stopped changing her nappy when she gets up? I end up doing it in a rush to get her dressed to go to nursery.
• We got caught out in a storm. I had DD in the pushchair and DH was with our oldest on the scooter. Everyone was soaked. DH got home first and got our first in dry clothes. I asked him to take DD who was soaked and shrieking, shivering, teeth chattering so I could change and nurse her. He put dry trousers on her but left her very wet vest, jumper, and socks. And didn't change her nappy. I nursed her to calm her down and then had to a whole new dry set of clothes for her.
• Smaller things, like when we're going somewhere, like the playground. I ask if he has packed a bag and he says yes. However, he doesn't check that there are nappies, has one small packet of crisps for both kids, etc.

He is generally attentive and helps in the home, for example, we both WFH but I'm part time so do the school/nursery run. If he sees I'm running late, he gets dinner started and has it ready when we get home, that sort of thing. He plays with the children loads and is loving and caring and helps with housework. So I'm sort of at a loss with what's going on. If I say something to him, he is defensive, but AIBU that DD shouldn't be sat in a nappy from overnight? Or that if she's wet and shivery to change all of her wet clothes (rather than just the trousers?)

AIBU? Any advice?

Weaponised incompetence. Very unattractive.

Also reminded him to wipe back to front 😐

Surely not?

I'd imagine it's a typo and she meant 'reminded him to wipe front to back'

I thought you had to wipe front to back?

He shouldn't be "helping with housework" though.

You need to do half each, always, unless one of you is ill.

But yes, he should always change a dirty nappy when he's with a child.

I think you need to state what you've noticed and ask whats going on- does he really forget to change nappies or does he not believe it's unhealthy for them to sit in their own poo?
If he can't remember ask him how he could? A timer on his phone ever three hours? A commitment to nappy change before breakfast every morning and a changing station downstairs for that? A note in the door of things to check in the 'going out bag?' He needs to come up with ideas and commit to doing them

My DH is a good egg but I had a bit of this

Depressingly this is what worked.

I made a "big deal" of it and pointed out v bluntly how crap it was and " if there was a reason i didnt understand that meant he could meet/ wasnt meeting our childs basic needs"
He would be annoyed and claim it was not a big deal... everyone does it soemtimes its fine etc.

I would say good! if it is not a big deal - JUST FUCKING DO IT.
If he wanted to argue id say okay well let's settle this by asking our friends with kids the same age and see if they think its cool? (Because he KNOWS its not cool)
Then i get told im ott and ridiculous and i need to stop.
i say fine lets do it properly then...
I would then essentially monitor him and say "if you cant be bothered to do X and need me to let me know and ill step in" which drove him crazy 😅 and he'd do it.

Once the routine was there he " got it" and is now really pretty good / can be relied upon.

Basically it was a hill i was willing to die on

Ugh sorry yes, wipe front to back! NOT wipe back to front! Bit tired ATM.

doesnt sound that bad to me. Holding his parenting up to your ‘perfect’ parenting is going to end badly. Everyone is learning as they go.

doesnt sound that bad to me. Holding his parenting up to your ‘perfect’ parenting is going to end badly. Everyone is learning as they go.

You think regularly leaving a child in a dirty nappy is OK, so the child gets nappy rash, or a UTI and is sore? Anyone would complain if a nursery was leaving a child in a pooey nappy, it is unacceptable. He's had plenty of time to learn how to change a nappy (it's not rocket science !) it's his second child FFS. If you think attending to a child's most basic needs is 'perfect parenting' then your standards must be worryingly low.

OP he clearly dislikes the job of dealing with a dirty nappy. But that's what you sign up for when you have children. So he' being deliberately incompetent so that you will do it, he knows you won't leave the baby in a soiled nappy. Obviously he considers himself 'above' the dirty work, and wants to leave it all to you, which is very disrespectful of you and neglectful of your baby. He needs to grow up and put his child's needs above his own selfishness.

I would read him the riot act about the nappy changing. Parenting 101 and he should be ashamed of himself if this is a regular occurrence

Thank you all. It’s just odd because it’s fine the rest of the day? If I’m tired see she’s done a poo and he’s busy with DS, if I ask him to change a nappy, he will.

also regarding housework: when I said he helps, I meant he does a fair share. He is FT work and I’m only part time so more fals to me I reckon.

but yes, I reckon I am asking if IBU and oerfectionistic or he’s not meeting the standard, the nursery comparison is a good one.

The trouble with reading the riot act is that he feels quite defensive. But at the same time, he’s not taking adequate care of our DD so I reckon I need to? Any suggestions for bringing it up in a neutral way would be appreciated.

Pick your battles: tell him you need the nappies checked and changed on schedule. Check and change 1st thing in the morning. Check before leaving house. Check before and after meals.

Leaving a child eating in a leaking, shitty nappy doesn’t sound ‘that bad’ to you, really?

It's unbelievable that a grown man would need reminding of this. Plus some of the posters saying it isn't that bad, what a low bar.

In his defence, I don’t think he realised she’d done a poo this morning. But still he’s been bringing her down and giving her breakfast whilst she’s sat in her full wee nappy from overnight…

It reads to me like he just doesn't like changing nappies so ignores it unless you mention it. Just keep reminding him to check

What about being relatively inattentive to her other needs, like only changing her wet leggings when the rest of her clothes were also soaking? I don’t mean to be funny but it reminds me of my granddad when he had dementia. Completely unaware of something really obvious?

Bottom line is he prioritizes himself.

He doesn't see the childcare/ legwork as important. Child is in shitty diaper but he's happily eating breakfast?

Come on

Completely unaware of something really obvious

^

Not at all. He just can't be arsed. It's really that simple.

A timer on his phone ever three hours?

^.

Let time guess... This man has a really big important job with multiple deadlines to be met. In fact, he's a project manager, who consistently exceeds targets.

But needs a timer to remind him to change his kids diaper.

What was he like with your eldest at your dds age (and now) and what is the sex of your eldest? Just out of curiosity....