Help, my daughter says she hates herself when told off

[Justkeepswiimming]

I'm at a complete loss about this and I feel a bit sick inside about it. I don't tend to shout and have tried to parent patiently and gently.

I don't even shout at her, but if she's been ride or unkind I will say how that makes me feel. Or maybe how it would make others feel.

An I now feel like I'm being a terrible Mum and am causing my daughter terrible harm. I'm terrified and want to get this right. For context, I no longer live with her Dad, we have been separated for several years. What am I doing wrong? How can I fix it!?

@MolkosTeenageAngst, I think I do have conversations about how to manage. And I definitely don't default to telling her off for the slightest thing. But I do think there are times when behaviour needs to be challenged.

You sound very patient.

How long after she’s calmed down are you addressing the behaviour? Usually after hitting an emotional crisis it takes a long time to come back down to our emotional baseline and we can also go into a period of depression for a time afterwards as well. If you are addressing these issues whilst she’s still in an emotional vulnerable state that might be why she is then becoming very upset, I’m not saying you shouldn’t address the behaviour but maybe you need to leave her more time after she has a meltdown and do things to repair the relationship first before you work through how the behaviour made you feel.

Is there any chance she's mimicking something she's seen on TV/You Tube? One of those awful family YT channels where it's all cringily acted bs, that type of thing?

Is it possible that she’s so young that she can’t express her feelings accurately ?

I think it’s perfectly normal to feel a mixture of remorse and embarrassment when told off. As part of that remorse she may be thinking “I wish I didn’t do X” and calling it hating herself which is different because the latter is a permanent feeling where as the former is temporary iyswim. Hyperbole is common with how kids express themselves. If she has low self esteem then that’s a different set of issues.

If she needs telling off them don’t stop doing it. Not providing boundaries could lead to serious problems with friends or be creating future issues which will be harder to undo.

@MolkosTeenageAngst yes this is a great point. I think I want to rush to resolve it and clear the air and perhaps reassure her as well, but perhaps I need to just give her quiet cuddles, where I don't do any conversation or follow up and just make her feel safe. Thank you. I appreciate these perspectives.

Can you model to her how to deal with guilt and upset and failure? So when you are in adult version of a similar situation, narrate your emotions and how you deal with them.

"Oh, no! I forgot to post Granny's birthday card now it won't reach her until after her birthday. I am worried that she will be upset because of my mistake, and make makes me feel terrible. I'm going to sit down for a moment and think and see if I can work out what all those bad feelings are... I feel sad for Granny, and also guilty and embarrassed and angry with myself But I can phone Granny and send her an eCard so she knows I care, and maybe next time someone has a birthday, I'll make in my diary to post the card, and everyone makes mistakes sometimes, so although I feel bad right now, I know it's only a little mistake and I'll feel better soon".or similar, in language at the appropriate level for your child.

Always comment on the BEHAVIOUR not the person. People can change how they behave. Which for a sensitive child is an important distinction.

@UnimaginableWindBird I just chatted this through with my sister, and on reflection I realised she's much like myself. I do find it very hard to deal with being told off or reprimanded as an adult. And it's something I should work on personally, and at the same time cab help her with. I appreciate your response.

Her reaction sounds totally normal to me. She doesn't have the self-awareness to say 'oh goodness, I'm sorry I hurt you', so instead she jumps to 'I hate myself'.

I'd just tell her that you love her but that when she does or says X, it hurts you.

How is her relationship with her dad? Is he a reliable and constant positive presence in her life?

I would tackle this from various points of view.

First of all let her see you make mistakes and overcome those mistakes. Tell her everyone gets things wrong sometimes, even adults and it's not the end of the world. The important things is what we learn from them and that we try to do better next time.

Then I would tell her her feelings are ok, anger,frustration etc. All feelings are ok and she's allowed to feel however she feels. However , the way she reacts when she feels a certain way is not ok, and that is something you'll work on it together. It makes you a team rather than adversaries. Ask her opinion, what does she think might work when she starts feeling angry/overwhelmed/frustrated etc. Suggest phrases she could say to give you a warning things aren't going well, breathing exercises, going to a calm place, run around/skip/jump to burn some energy. Various techniques. Then work with her on recognising the signs of these feelings, how does her body feel.. tense, heart beats faster, fists clenched, bouncy legs, breathing faster, getting hotter and so on. It's a long process and it will take time. If she still has blow outs , just remind her her feelings are ok, her actions aren't, but it's ok , you're working together to change that and just try again next time.
Lots of positive praise when she does react the right way or uses the techniques before things escalate.

After the blow outs , make sure there's plenty of time for her to fully come out of it. It can hake as long as half an hour. Then calm talks , at her level, gentle voice (don't force her to look at you if that's something you do) . "When x happens (rather than when you do x) mummy feels sad /upset/scared because it's not kind/the toy might break/safe .How would you feel if someone said /did that (to you)?"

Then some work on her self esteem, clubs, nice social circle, any issues that might be caused by her relationship with her dad.

I tried to condense a lot in this post, so apologies if it doesn't make a lot of sense.

TL;DR You need to approach this from multiple points.

Of course, none of that means that you shouldn't have boundaries in place and that she shouldn't have consequences in place. As long as you make her feel safe,loved and secure (and boundaries and consequences are a part of that) she will be fine.

@PaperDoIIs this is such a helpful and considered post. Thank you so much for this.

@Whataretalkingabout

i am Sorry for my misunderstanding of your post too,

Does she not get told off at school

@suburburban probably not. Certainly not badly. She'd be mortified if she was. She's very well behaved in a school environment as far as I've been told.

@PaperDoIIs in answer to your other question. I'm not sure about her relationship with her Dad. She has regular contact and has since we separated. I do believe he is much harder on her than I am. But obviously I don't often see how he parents, of what their dynamic is. I do believe she prefers to be with me, but I'm notnsure what that actually says at this age. Do I do more fun stuff with her. I have sisters with kids and we spend lots of time with them which she loves, so whether her preference for being with me is for those reasons rather than any issues when she's over there I'm not sure. But I do know he is much harder on her than I am. And much stricter.

You are doing nothing wrong by telling her off if she is misbehaving.