Help, my daughter says she hates herself when told off

[Justkeepswiimming]

I'm at a complete loss about this and I feel a bit sick inside about it. I don't tend to shout and have tried to parent patiently and gently.

I don't even shout at her, but if she's been ride or unkind I will say how that makes me feel. Or maybe how it would make others feel.

An I now feel like I'm being a terrible Mum and am causing my daughter terrible harm. I'm terrified and want to get this right. For context, I no longer live with her Dad, we have been separated for several years. What am I doing wrong? How can I fix it!?

Hmmm… how old is she? Sounds to me like you are a good parent. Kids need boundaries and ignoring bad behaviour/bad manners/unkindness would not do her any favours.

Just explain you are being a good parent to her and helping her - if she’s old enough to understand that. And don’t react too much to what she’s saying.

@MissyB1 good point. She's 6.

I found saying 'we' rather than 'you' worked well. For example "we don't say unkind things", "we don't hit", "we need to put our shoes away". It shows you are also bound by rules and feels less like a personal attack whilst reinforcing boundaries.

@CeeceeBloomingdale I do feel like I do this. I try not to make it a personal attack. But I will make a much more concerted effort in future.

This child needs to be told and shown that she is loved a lot more often.

And when scolding, it is the act and not the person who is in the wrong.

Exsmple: do not say "you are a naughty child for scribbling on the wallpaper," rather "scribbling on the wallpaper is naughty. "

The child should not be made to think they are wrong or bad, it is their action or behavior that needs to be dealt with.

Remind the child that he or she is loved inconditionally.
HTH

Maybe address the feeling itself. Emphasise that everyone does something that they need to think about or change sometimes and uncomfortable feelings aren't because you are a bad person.

@Whataretalkingabout

I find your post a bit judgemental really at first glance,
the first line of it,

The first line of your post this child needs to be shown she is loved 🥰 more often,

Rest of your post seems good on point..

on reflection the way some things are put could lead to a misunderstanding too..

@cerisepanther73 , I am sorry if you have misinterpreted my words to sound judgmental. That happens with the written word and cannot hear tone of voice. I have nothing but empathy for the OP and DC and sincerely hope she may take my words positively. This child may be feeling criticized and unloved and that is a horrible feeling for anyone , especially a child. More than anything else we all need to give, receive and feel loved.

My oldest dd was a bit like this. She doesn't like to make a mistake/do anything wrong.

Can you give an example of what happens?

Also for @cerisepanther73 , I have lived in Europe for over 40 years and though English is my native language I mostly live and speak in a different language. My English gets rusty and sounds stilted even to me . I so miss and enjoy connecting with the English speaking and thinking world . ;)

Is this her way of addressing the feelings of discomfort that we associate with guilt/shame/conscience?

I think it’s important to help her understand those feelings are normal, that everyone feels them sometimes. That even when you tell her off, it’s because you love her and that you now you’ve talked about it, it’s done, and that she doesn’t need to go on feeling bad about things.

maybe she’s a bit young, but exploring the concept of forgiveness could be helpful, being able to forgive herself and others.

I am the most gentle parent going op and sometimes when I do have to be firm and say no to things or pull my child up on behaviour she will get very upset and say things about how horrible I've been, I never ever shout, and am very relaxed and it hurts to hear those comments but she is very sensitive (also 6yo). I do wonder if its because I am so gentle that if I do raise my voice or alter my tone she doesn't like it as she's not used to It - I know in some families who constantly scold children the children don't even seem bothered at all, some even find it funny, but I don't know.

@HurricanesHardlyHeverHappen ok so for example today. We had a meltdown over a craft project we were doing together. I wasn't doing it right. All of a sudden, a quite out of character tantrum. She was very ride to me. Threw the project on the floor. Later said a few things like I was the worst mummy ever. I didn't shout or get cross. But once she'd calmed down I tried to speak to her about how rude she was to me. She then got very upset very quickly and started crying that she was a horrible person and that she hated herself. I try to cuddle her and calm her at this point. I do think it's her dealing with guilt or shame? Perhaps.

Maybe you're a bit heavy?

Tantrums and rudeness are normal, you give a consequence, you move on.

What specifically do you say and how long do you go on for?

@Sageyboots I really do think it's her trying to deal with feelings of guilt or shame. But am I going about it in the wrong way if I'm making her feel so bad that she expresses these feelings.

Breaking it down is her reaction to being pulled up about how she spoke to you a normal reaction to you having to talk to her about being rude during a tantrum?

I'm wondering if she cannot control those emotional outbursts and feels awful about it and anxious about them. Then when she's pulled up later those feeling resurface?

Children who have emotional meltdowns often are aware they aren't ok but can't control them and it affects their self esteem.

Perhaps explore safe spaces in the house (eg a small tent with pillows) that when she feels overwhelmed she takes herself there to calm. Look at zones of regulation and managing emotions.

I think it sounds as though she is finding it hard to use appropriate words for her feelings. Is she saying she “hates” herself but actually she is feeling ashamed and regretful about her actions.

Explain to her that it sounds as though she knows she has behaved badly and that when we know we have behaved badly or been mean and we are genuinely sorry about it , it can make us feel unhappy not just about the other person but about ourselves. This isn’t because we hate ourselves, it’s a way of us learning and remembering for next time that being unkind doesn’t make us feel good but makes us feel ashamed and sorry.

Tell her that learning to understand how other people feel is a very grown up feeling and way to behave, tell her that it’s called empathy and that a lot of grown up people struggle with it.

@Justkeepswiimming I think by telling your daughter how rude she was to you , you are expecting her to always act perfectly, which would be very upsetting. Children want to always please their parents but that is asking for the impossible, thus her frustration.

I think when she blew up she was upset because you expected this and you should have just let it go. No child ( noone in fact), can act perfectly.

When you pull her up is it always about how it makes you (or others) feel?

That sounds like quite a lot of emotional burden for a young child.

Have you asked her why she hates herself?

My son did this ( and still will occassionally) I used to say that I loved him, just because he had made a mistake didn’t mean he should hate himself, also to stop punishing himself as I had done that and I wanted us to be able to move on as I wasn’t dwelling on it and didn’t want him too. He has mostly grown out of it now.

@Whataretalkingabout so should I not pick her up for being rude? We've also had the same reaction when she's hit out on occasion, which she's now stopped doing? But I'm not sure what else I should do?

Oh My goodness! My DS started doing that and I panicked. I brought it up at a mums night out (with other parents from the same class) last week and turns out almost every kid does the same! It must be a phase but I was quite relieved!

OP I think you are dealing with your daughter's behaviour appropriately and she is struggling with feeling guilty afterwards. Some children really struggle with being told off but sometimes it is necessary.

At some point it might be worth talking her through a time when you've been 'told off', how you felt and how you got past it.

Maybe after a situation like the one you've described, aim todo something she can be very successful at so you can give her lots of praise.

She’s only 6. I think if she’s having big meltdowns she’s obviously struggling with emotional regulation, do you teach her the skills to manage those feelings or do you just focus on how rude she was/ how it made you feel? The focus should be on supporting her to develop the skills she needs not to reach the kind of crisis point where she is having that kind of emotional outburst, do you reflect on what she could have done differently when she got upset? Things like breathing techniques, learnt phrases/ scripts for expressing things to others, a place to go to get space and regulate herself etc? I don’t think you should be focusing on things she has said or done during an emotional crisis where she wasn’t in control, instead focus on what she can do to stop herself getting to that point.

@PoppingTomorrow what should I be saying?