Agreeing together when dh does overtime / weekend shifts?

[Equalcommunication]

Should it be a joint decisions as affects the whole family or solely up to the person who works ?

We’ve always had the system where evenings and weekends are protected family time. If dh wanted to work extra hours we discussed it and we both knew about it in advance. It worked fine once or twice a month.

He is now either just getting back late or on a weekend morning gets up and gets ready for work ?? When it’s not be discussed prior to that and on a couple of occasions I’d made plans.

Pay reflects hours so it’s not that he’s off somewhere else and saying he’s at work or anything like that. I just want to go back to the old system of actually planning this ?!! But am I wrong is it not up to me at all?

Of course it should be discussed. Even if it's a principle of we're flat broke and I'll pick up the slack if you can grab any extra overtime?

Overtime yes, apart from in an emergency situation ,ie. Boss calls dh in because everyone else is off sick.

(Getting back late. Unexpected overtime. Mmmm. I’ve been on mn too long as these sentences automatically makes me feel suspicious. )

Does he get the chance of a lot of overtime? Do you say no a lot?

Yes as we are ok and don’t need the extra but he does about half the amount of times he asks. I just prefer us to have that time for the dc

Is it tight financially?

And you 'make plans' and don't tell him?

Yes. I sometimes do overtime but discuss it. As it doesn’t just impact on me then l need to discuss it first l think

Maybe he likes to earn extra to put you all in a better situation, you want protected family time but he wants to earn money. Maybe you need to compromise.

I did make plans for the weekends assuming we were free as he was always saying when he had overtime then as he had stopped I’d just made plans assuming he didn’t have work now I’ve been telling him. Literally one day I was getting dc ready and he appeared ready for work ?? !

It was more a situation of the weekends is free unless dh said he had work if that makes sense ?

I wouldn't be happy with my husband dictating when I did and didn't work, family or not.
Why assume he's not working when you're making plans rather than just asking him?

He should definitely let you know if he'll be doing overtime at the weekend - that's only polite. Could you use a shared calendar app or something to avoid clashes?

It's a separate point about whether he should have to discuss it with you in advance before he agrees to it. I tend to think that it's up to the individual how much they work.

That's assuming finances are shared? If you have separate finances then I don't think it's fair for him to work and assume you'll do the childcare. Effectively you're both working but he's the only one benefiting. Unless you have an equal opportunity to do overtime, and he has to look after the kids when you do it? Does your job have overtime opportunities?

Would you be happy with someone dictating when you solo parent or have the potential for downtime? Once you have kids, agreeing to work impacts the other people in your household - it's 'dictating' just at much to foist your parenting responsibilities on someone else as it is to ask to be consulted.

Sometimes at work you need to agree to something for the sake of the team and relationships so long as there's nothing urgent or super important planned that weekend for the family. But he should absolutely tell you straight away - not just get dressed for work on the actual day and swan off!!
Dh and i are often texting each other either 'any reason i can't do this work thing on x day?' or sometimes 'i've had to agree to work on y date, can you cover it?'

Do you have a family calendar or shared phone calendars? or do you make all the family plans and he just floats about semi-separately?

I think a lot of the times we want our cake and eat it
great to have the extra money but want the time as well

Consultation would be nice, has something changed at work to make him less able to say no? He should still check/ let you know as much as he can. Even a text to let you know he is going to be late. Maybe sit down and ask why he has stopped telling you when he has overtime?