What's life like after the kids have left the nest?

[Louxo94]

Good morning. This is a bit of a random post.

I was having a little think to myself about what life would be like after the kids have flown the nest.

I was a teenage mom—not ideal, I know. Our son is 12 this year, and my daughter will be 8. They're still young, but it's going by so quickly.
It's got me thinking. I'm turning 30 this year. Would I like to have one more baby or not? I feel like I'm not ready for this chapter to end, but at the same time, it's a massive age gap; it would be like starting all over again. If I did start again, I will be 50 when they are adults. Yet my son will be 22 when I'm 40, and my daughter 18. I will still be young—not 20 years young, but you know.

I've raised children all my younger years. I never got to have that freedom like most people did at 18 and onward. I never got to travel and do things. Mind you, we lived in Spain for a year, but that's not really the same.

Clubbing was never my cup of tea, so that didn't matter to me. But I can't help but have a little panic about what I'm going to do once they are grown. Is life going to be boring or is it going to be amazing? I know this sounds silly. I could have worded it a bit better, but I'm not the one with the words.
I feel like being a mum is all that I know. I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

I would love to know what it's like afterward. Do you feel lost or free in a way?

Yeah this. I was nearly 50 before my 2 left the nest (had them both at around 29-30... They went to uni at 18 and never came home - (though they do only live 20-25 minutes drive away!) They went together, even though an academic year apart as DD1 had a gap year where she worked, as she couldn't decide whether to go to uni or not. 10 years prior to that when I was 39-40 and they were 10-11, no way would I have considered having another, when my 2 were close to secondary school age.

I know quite a few women who had 1 or 2 kids who were 10-13, and they were 38-43 themselves, and they went and had another child. Biggest regret of their life. They wish they had just stuck with the 1 or 2. The first child(ren) they had at around 28-32 have flown the nest now they are 50-52, and they still have a child aged 9-10 at home, and some years left of all the hassle, school runs, hobby groups, school politics, hassle with school mums, the money kids cost, and the general day to day trials of having school age kids.

Lockdown was a nightmare, they envy other middle aged women whose kids have flown the nest 5-10 years ago, and secretly wish they could turn back the clock - so they would never had had that last child (when their other child(ren) were around 10-12 y.o.)

As pp said it is a mental and logistical nightmare, and tons more expense! Having 2 close together was wonderful but financially it was a killer, especially having 2 at uni together. Like fuck would I be going through that again 10-12 years later! 😬

Anecdata of course, but no way would I have been having more when my youngest was 9-10 or older. @Louxo94 Don't do it. Be happy and content with the 2 children you have. I love my 2 kids and loved them being with me, growing up etc, but having an empty nest, whilst it was a wrench to start with, is utter bliss now.

Having children is wonderful, and they are a blessing, and mine are golden, and I love them so much, but even though they were generally good kids (both girls,) and caused me and their dad very little bother, it was still hard work! Sometimes stressful, exhausting, and tiring (especially when I had a job 3 days a week as well!) I would not voluntarily have put myself through child-rearing again when my 2 were secondary school age. The positives outweighed the negatives, and I am elated to have 2 beautiful, intelligent, successful, funny, kind young women for daughters now, but it was not an easy ride raising them.

Like you I was a teen mum ( twice. There’s only 14 months between them) I remarried in my 30s and went a bit broody. So glad I didn’t have another, aside from the marriage not working.
By my 40th my two had both graduated and one set off travelling/ working, the other settled down to a career. I worked flat out for the following 10 years, saving like mad, also paid off both kids student loans ( which were less then than they are today) Retired at 50 and set off travelling. Being a young parent has its advantages. My kids didn’t go without and grew up very independent.

Haven’t read the full thread and can’t help as mine are a little older than yours but you still have 10 years til your youngest is 18 and possibly moves out to uni. If she doesn’t go to uni you’ll have a few years of her at home saving up for her own place so I think you have ages until you have an empty nest.

I had a year living alone aged 53 after ds left for uni. It was absolutely awesome. I had moments of feeling the solitariness but God I loved not having to cook, ever. I lived on chickpeas out of the tin and yogurt and went out a LOT.

Now dp and I live together. That's nice too. I'd say, feel the fear and do it anyway - embrace a new stage of life rather than stepping back.

what about having one older child age 9/10 and then the other one? So at least they both had a sibling in adulthood but benefitted from the slower paced and more attention focussed life style of an only child?

Nahhh... Not for me. Nothing would have made me have another child when my 2 were near enough secondary school age. Would not have done it if we had just had one child either. This is a moot point anyway, as the OP has 2, and I have 2.

We're all different. If someone wants to go through it all again (and have a new baby) when their youngest is around 10, then crack on. Not for me. No way. Would never have done it. OP asked 'would you...' my answer is no.

Sounds like you are worried you will be left with a gaping hole in your life. And you are questioning whether to fill that with more kids or not. Have you considered filling it with other things, hobbies, career, foster parenting, working in a school…etc. Maybe enjoy your freedom, it sounds like you haven’t ever really experienced it. And like a previous poster said, take a well deserved break before grandchildren duties begin!

I'm 50 with an empty nest!
Both of mine have left for good and bought their own homes.
The first few months were pretty strange but now I love it.
I fill my time doing whatever I fancy and eat when I'm hungry and I'm on no one else's time schedule.

And that’s because you were old ?

Could you not eat when you liked before ?

Yes. But I would always try and fit meal times in around the children so we could eat together.
I now just eat as and when I want.

Even as adult children? No wonder you’re happy to be free! 😂

@Kiki1703 as the children got to teenage years, eating together was probably the only time when we all were not busy.
Then they went to uni and then bought hoses.
This hasn't been a lifetime routine.
It's just been nice to eat or not eat for myself and not around everyone's schedule.

@IamRoyFuckingKent exactly the same here, mid 50s, both DCs have left. We’re enjoying the tidiness, the full fridge and the peace 🤣

Love them dearly and see them a lot but we’re quite enjoying this next stage.

Wrong thread! Sorry. Although my children are indeed close to flying the nest so
I can do this kind of thing!

My Mum had me when she was young and has been a very active and involved grandparent. She did have more children so never got the gap between kids and grandchildren so keep that in mind before considering more kids.

Do you have a career or interests you could start pursuing. I am older but I approaching the empty nest and I'm excited to be able to do couples holidays again....I love my kids but parenting involves so much compromise and keeping them happy that I'll quite enjoy suiting myself for a change. I want to do lots of walking, crafting, travel, eating out with friends, sitting in a nice pub reading the Sunday papers again. I will look forward to visiting my kids and taking them out to dinner as adults. Going to see shows. Maybe doing something more exciting to the garden. Having time for DIY again and maybe having a clean and tidy house again. I recently applied for a promotion in my career and might go for the next step up once they've gone...or consider retraining to a non term time role.

I am sure in reality I will either be bereft....or they just won't go anywhere.

thabks for sharing - do you mind me asking how old you are ? X

@Kiki1703 younger DS (28) is saving, but even 1 bed flats around here are £200k plus, but is hoping to move out later this year, other DS (31) enjoys living at home with us and we enjoy his company, mainly only see him at the weekends and he takes over dog walking. He earns an average pay, but on his own he just couldn’t afford to move out.

We have one that’s properly left and another at uni so we have an empty nest a fair bit of time (I say this with both of them sleeping upstairs with their girlfriends so it doesn’t feel that empty a lot of the time).

I have to say, WE BLOODY LOVE IT! It’s so easy, relaxed and tidy! It helps that we really still love each other’s company - we have friends that have only the kids in common so are finding this bit a struggle.

When the kids were younger, I used to be sad when I looked ahead to this bit but it has been pretty fabulous.

We are late 50’s and youngest left home last year when they bought a property with their partner.
Eldest was gone a year before.
Agree with PP in that he house stays tidy.
Things stay where you put them and less costs.
Loving just being the 2 of us but also love family dinner nights

I am going to be devils advocate here and say that having a baby now when you are 30 will be entirely different than from when you were a teenager. Now you might get to enjoy bits that you didn't before and sail through the harder bits. Your baby will worship his older siblings; AND you will make new friends too and learn new things, experience new adventures just by virtue of having another baby. I had my first at 34 so it was long overdue and should have had a fourth at 40 but felt it might be too much....now regretting that fourth I didn't have (aged 58).
My three are slowly leaving the nest aged 21 x 2 and 24 and I envy those with younger siblings still in the pipeline.

Proviso being....with the right partner of course

My two pence - nearly 50 with a 19 and 17 year old - they are expensive and I'm significantly more tired - like a good day / night out and then I need a rest the next day - so I'd say stop and enjoy the life you have - teens and older teens still need you lots - it's intensive but lovely - and very different to 8/12 year olds- it lovely being driven back from the pub, going out for food / cocktails theatre etc and then having some quiet time - that said we got a dog (cliche) so still have some caring responsibilities and helps with the painful transitions.

I think it's more a question of do you want to be a mum again for another 20 years from today or are you ready to do something else alongside parenting - and only you know that answer - yes empty nesting is hard - super hard but it also allows time for interests / friends / dogs and to travel a bit