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Original poster

Am I doing the wrong thing?

18 replies

Nottherealmama · 22/03/2024 11:33

I have a friend who I have known a very long time who has recently had twin boys. They are 5 weeks old. My friend has a history of mental illness, she's been on antidepressants and told me she was being tested for other things. Over the years I've seen her have various episodes. I'm not sure if this will be on her pregnancy records or not. She hasn't said anything to me about it. A couple of weeks ago she told me she had some sort of breakdown and drove off leaving her babies with their dad in the middle of the night and slept elsewhere. I had previously been going to her house a few times a week to help her out. I have 5 children but they are in school and I dont work so I have time in the day to help.
I offered to mind her babies the next day and she brought them round at 8.30am and they were there till 6pm. Two days later she asked me to have them again. I said yes and again they were here for the whole day. Now I've got into a pattern of having them nearly every other day for the whole day. She picks them up before her husband is home from work. I enjoy having them here and spending time with them. However, I can see this is only helping short term and doing nothing to help her bond with her sons. Various family members are telling me to report her to someone but I don't want to do that. I want to give her a chance to be a mum but deep down I know my friend and I can't help but feel she's regretting having these babies. Also, feelings about my friend aside, I am missing these babies when they are not here with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nottherealmama · 22/03/2024 11:34

Really sorry for the large chunk of text. The paragraphs didn't work.

OP posts:
RedCarWithDice · 22/03/2024 11:37

Wow you sound like a great and hard working friend. But you're realising you both need some boundaries. Share what you have said here to her- about wanting to help her in the long run rather than short term and that you don't want to get in the way of her bonding with them.

Maybe suggest you help her once a week but with her, rather than her dropping them off.

Don't let this go on any further as you will get too attached to the twins and it will too difficult to change. Nip it in the bud now.

She needs to speak to her health visitor and/or GP about her mental health ASAP.

LakeTiticaca · 22/03/2024 11:37

You can't carry on like this. You made a kind gesture and it has snowballed. Have you talked to her husband? She is obviously not coping. Speak to her partner and tell him that you will be speaking to social services.
What is happening is not OK, for you, the mum, and the babies

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MamaWillYouBuyMeAWillYouBuyMeABanana · 22/03/2024 11:41

Report her to who?

She is leaving the babies with safe adults.

I would speak to her husband and suggest he speak to the health visitor to try and access support for her.

She clearly needs support, but she's not doing anything 'wrong'.

You missing the babies when they aren't there isn't a great sign either tbh, it's all got very enmeshed and you need to take a step back.

Original poster
Nottherealmama · 22/03/2024 11:43

Thank you for your replies. I don't know her partner well as they haven't been together that long. From what she says, he isnt supporting her emotionally. She has also been leaving her twins with her elderly parents who are in their late 70s/ early 80s and I have a feeling that she's not spending much time with them at all on the days they are not with me.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 22/03/2024 11:52

I think there are three things I would do:

(1) I'd talk to your friend and say thank you care about her and you love spending time with her babies, but you want to not take time away from her bonding with them, so you want to support her to spend more time with them. You could still offer to help by having them one day a week, say, but then offer to come over and help with tasks, clean the house, make her lunch, help her get them down for a nap, go on a walk together and have a chat, etc.

(2) Speak to her husband and let him know you're worried about her. He probably has no idea because it's happening when he's out of the house. If he's a good guy, he'll want to know and help her.

(3) Ring and speak to the health visitor with your concerns. It should be easy to find her local health visiting team via her GP surgery. They won't be able to give you any information or even tell you that she is on their rolls, but you can call and ask to speak to someone about your concerns, or ask where you could email them. Tell them what you've told us. She is making sure her babies are cared for, but she needs some support and they would be the port of call to plugging her in to mental health and other postnatal support.

Original poster
Nottherealmama · 22/03/2024 12:05

mindutopia · 22/03/2024 11:52

I think there are three things I would do:

(1) I'd talk to your friend and say thank you care about her and you love spending time with her babies, but you want to not take time away from her bonding with them, so you want to support her to spend more time with them. You could still offer to help by having them one day a week, say, but then offer to come over and help with tasks, clean the house, make her lunch, help her get them down for a nap, go on a walk together and have a chat, etc.

(2) Speak to her husband and let him know you're worried about her. He probably has no idea because it's happening when he's out of the house. If he's a good guy, he'll want to know and help her.

(3) Ring and speak to the health visitor with your concerns. It should be easy to find her local health visiting team via her GP surgery. They won't be able to give you any information or even tell you that she is on their rolls, but you can call and ask to speak to someone about your concerns, or ask where you could email them. Tell them what you've told us. She is making sure her babies are cared for, but she needs some support and they would be the port of call to plugging her in to mental health and other postnatal support.

Thank you. If I do talk to the health visitor I don't want to do it behind her back and I'll have to find some way of addressing it in a way that she won't take offense at. Just worried that they are being ignored when they are at home. They are always fed and changed, dressed beautifully and have everything they need in that way but I can tell she's disconnected.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/03/2024 12:06

I would help but by going to her house.

Does her partner know she isn't caring for them during the day?

Original poster
Nottherealmama · 22/03/2024 12:34

RandomMess · 22/03/2024 12:06

I would help but by going to her house.

Does her partner know she isn't caring for them during the day?

She said he's not bothered where they are as long as they are cared for but I don't think he knows the full extent of it. She says he is struggling with the broken sleep and takes it out on her.

OP posts:
RedCarWithDice · 22/03/2024 12:43

I wouldn't go talking to her husband or health visitor behind her back but I absolutely would be encouraging her to talk to her health visitor or GP and I'd offer her support in doing that.

MamaWillYouBuyMeAWillYouBuyMeABanana · 22/03/2024 12:51

Nottherealmama · 22/03/2024 12:34

She said he's not bothered where they are as long as they are cared for but I don't think he knows the full extent of it. She says he is struggling with the broken sleep and takes it out on her.

Show quote history

I'll change my previous answer then, don't go to him.

What do you mean by 'takes it out on her', has she clarified?

Do you actually see much of her or is it pick ups and drop offs at this point?

LIZS · 22/03/2024 12:53

You could offer to go with her to hv or six week check, to ask about support for her. Her h sounds emotionally abusive.

Tickledtrout · 22/03/2024 12:54

You need to urge her to talk to her health visitor/ GP .
If she won't then phone thr nspcc helpline. The babies need to be kept safe

SkaneTos · 22/03/2024 13:05

OP, you seem like a very kind person.
I don't have any advice, but I hope everything will work out, for the twins and for your friend.

Original poster
Nottherealmama · 22/03/2024 13:06

MamaWillYouBuyMeAWillYouBuyMeABanana · 22/03/2024 12:51

I'll change my previous answer then, don't go to him.

What do you mean by 'takes it out on her', has she clarified?

Do you actually see much of her or is it pick ups and drop offs at this point?

Show quote history

He snaps at her a lot and has her crying. I think a lot of this is down to her being exhausted. He has the bed while she stays on the couch with the babies in their cribs.

OP posts:
MamaWillYouBuyMeAWillYouBuyMeABanana · 22/03/2024 13:07

Nottherealmama · 22/03/2024 13:06

He snaps at her a lot and has her crying. I think a lot of this is down to her being exhausted. He has the bed while she stays on the couch with the babies in their cribs.

Show quote history

Do you think her relationship is abusive?

Original poster
Nottherealmama · 22/03/2024 13:31

MamaWillYouBuyMeAWillYouBuyMeABanana · 22/03/2024 13:07

Do you think her relationship is abusive?

Show quote history

Yes I do from what she tells me but I don't have anymore insight than that. I don't know him well personally or have ever spent time with them together. She has a history of being with this type of man as far back as her dating history goes. Not a great basis to raise children on, but they are here now.

OP posts:
Minfilia · 22/03/2024 18:07

Sounds like PND to me.

When my DD was that age I didn’t like anyone taking her out of the same room as me! I couldn’t have just dumped her on everyone else around me.

She hasn’t bonded. She’s tired and probably struggling with her MH. She needs to talk to her GP/HV.

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