What am I going to do about this man?

[LindaPen]

I've never been a woman attracted to bad boys, late DH and my (few) other relationships have been thoroughly decent steady men. Intelligent and interesting/interested enough not to be boring, but not exciting either and that's how I've liked it most of my life, you could say the same about me.

Recently I've been having a flirtation with a man I've known for a long time and mostly didn't like much. He's "difficult", verging on obnoxious, but as I've got to know him better I have realised (or persuaded myself?) that this is because he cares. He's has a very strong sense of right and wrong and will call out people who don't meet his expectations, without having the social skills to do it tactfully. Then once he's in it he'll fight his corner.

More often than not it will be a perceived slight against someone else, ie he's sticking up for someone he sees as vulnerable rather than himself, or he'll be having a rant about something in the news.

He and I fall out and have a "spirited" debate, but now I've learned not to take it personally (it isn't) I find I quite enjoy it.

I doubt it will do me any good longer term though.

He sounds like a nobhead.

I agree, I don't know what's wrong with me. Something about the challenge?

Maybe you've just gone a little temporarily mad?

I suppose it depends what you want from him?

If it's just a bit of fun then i guess these debates can be a bit exciting?? But if you're after a long term relationship with him I think this behaviour will just cause arguments.

Your ex's are your ex's for a reason but perhaps it's nothing to do with them being nice and emotionally intelligent.

This guy's seems different to your previous ones and so you're a bit curious and maybe attracted to the fact that they are different. Maybe you associate your ex's with being hurt, which is normal so you're going for something different.

But there's plenty more differences out there.

I don't really want anything from him. I'm certainly not looking for a serious/long term relationship, with anyone. I am certain I'll never live with a man again and quite enjoy being single with these frissons that come along, but they can't stay that way indeffinitely.

It's taken me a very long time to understand and accept that it's the behaviour that matters, not the intention or reason for it. I regret excusing bad behaviour in the past.

Someone like this can be fun in small doses in a challenging, debating, adrenaline rush way. It can give you a weird sort of high. But they're awful as a partner.

So stay friends only.

He's obnoxious and a really bad trait is rigidly 'fighting his corner' - that's not debate or discussion, it's dogmatic arrogance. Tedious. Unintelligent.

Fine for a casual boyfriend, if that's what you like, I would find it tiresome, I wouldn't be getting serious with him though.

If you just want him to give you a good rogering every now and then it shouldn't matter as much as if you were wanting to have a full relationship with him. As long as you're both on the same wavelength and have the same expectations then I don't see any reason why it couldn't work.

I think maybe this is what I need. Some sort of FWB but I wouldn't want it to ruin any of my real friendships with people actually like 🤣

Win/win! 😁

Well... the only thing that would make me wonder a bit is this:

He's a very strong sense of right and wrong and will call out people who don't meet his expectations

How would you deal with that, if all of a sudden he finds that you aren't meeting his expectations? What if the two of you have a difference of opinion over what's right and wrong, especially since you also say he will fight his corner?

It makes me think that his opinions are intractable, and he won't consider that maybe other people have a point.

"and will call out people who don't meet his expectations"

Err, say whaaaat?? Specifically at the "people who don't meet HIS expectations" bit.

"I doubt it will do me any good longer term though."

I'm inclined to agree, to the point that you'll end up hurt even if this doesn't turn into an 'anything'. But if you're enjoying it at the moment and see him for what he is then make hay while the sun shines.

Are you feeling a bit undervalued and invisible OP? Is that why this man (who's showing you a bit of attention with these 'spirited' debates) has got under your skin?

We do that all the time. He tells me I'm wrong, I tell him he's wrong and we argue a bit then drop it. I don't think I've ever convinced him, but he could say the same

For me, that would get very tiresome, sorry.

I swear I've read this before. Which people are not meeting his expectations and when you say call out do you mean talk down to them and generally behave like a dick?

Are you mid-40s? I think that’s a time when you may change what you’re looking for, don’t need someone to co-parent, comfortable on your own, you can easily have a fwb that is completely compartmentalised and ‘just for you’. Just accept that it’s probably not someone to grow old with and just something to bring some fun/energy into your life right now and when it’s run its course move on with no regrets

I like a person with strong convictions and the strength of character to speak up when no one else will, fight for someone’s corner etc etc…. but this has to be balanced with emotional maturity, charisma and some graciousness / humility. Otherwise you’re just coming across as an obnoxious twat.

It’s great he cares and he’s passionate, I dislike apathy in a man! However even if you’ve managed to convince yourself it’s not “that bad” right now, you’ll soon find yourself with the massive ick and be cringing every time he goes off on a rant.

Unless you feel he would be open to some feedback about learning how to present an argument with diplomacy and tact then I really would avoid a romantic situation.

Oooft. Talk about mental gymnastics. Sounds like a plain old prick to me, but if you wanna fuck him you wanna fuck him so crack on. You don't need to come up with reasons to justify his prickery.