If you have a DH who works long hours in a demanding job please talk to me?

[Grohlsfan]

Yes I know.

Anyway, this is my situation. Young DC, usual mix of spinning plates - jobs, DC, elderly parents etc. DH works as an investment banker in the City. We have had money troubles / debts and still early 30's so he is still at the beginning stages of real career progression in banking. I work in public sector in a not very well rewarded caring role. Therefore our overall income is good but it all goes out on rent, nursery fees and bills etc, London prices. Once 3yo stops nursery next year we will save the nursery fees. We can't move further out as DH would never be at home.

Parents are unwell/disabled in care home and there is no other family so we are on our own. I do all of the family admin etc and most chores as my working hours are far less than DH. DH does help do chores at weekends and at breakfast time but the "project managing" of our lives is down to me alone. I do most bedtimes during the week as DH either comes home late or travels to EU for a couple of nights. Weekends we are together.

No surplus cash to use on things like cleaners which I'm hoping we can start doing next year.

Just feel a bit lonely sometimes and wondering if other mums / wives in this situation can relate.

DH gets a lot of fulfilment from his job otherwise I'd be happy if he did something 9-5, but it's not him - and I don't want it to be as he wouldn't be him iyswim.

I was in similar situation nearly 20 years ago, but not London. For us, it only worked with me being SAHM. I didn’t have the headspace for job plus family plus house plus parents plus plus plus.
we could afford to live on one salary (we’re older than you so more established I suppose), and I lost pension contributions. But I stepped out of a public sector job, then stepped back into the same type of job and same grade 11 years later.
I understand how difficult it is - sometimes you need to let something go and for me it was my job.

Long hours, and some weekends. Very tiring when children are young, it does get better with age. I took some time off when they were little and could go back as they got older. The weekends still irritate me though.

How well paid is he? Moving out would help and there are lots of bits of outer London that are readily accessible. Plus handy for Gatwick and Heathrow.

Property costs will be less horrific too plus presumably he can get cabs home late so he can travel a bit further.

You are at the sharp end of childcare costs at the moment but life might be better if you moved further out.

Yep at other end time wise. Kids almost grown up, dh stressed out but still enjoys job. I am a sahm but used to work.

It sounds like you are making a lot of sacrifices to enable him.

How would you like your like to look?

This resonates. I feel like a single parent sometimes and it’s not what I signed up for at all. I adore my children, but I spend a lot of time pissed off for being relegated to a ‘traditional’ wife set up. When my husband asks for time to do things for himself (which he does for me, too) my gut response is to flick him in the balls (yet to actually do this). My job just about keeps my career ticking over, but I took a MASSIVE step down to achieve the work/life balance required because at the time we earnt the same but DH’s income was going to rise faster than mine. I’ll dive back in eventually, but for fucks sake when!? Kids are 1 and 5. From what I can see they are not likely to stop needing me anytime soon and I have no idea how having two parents in demanding roles would work.

The way I see it, OP, is that we are in the trenches at the moment. It’ll evolve and get easier in some ways and harder in others. If you can possibly afford it, get a cleaner. I love mine more than my husband.

Thank you.

I'm not sure if I'm sacrificing my things to enable him, as such. I mean, his salary pays for everything really, and he's very supportive of me and my work / ambitions. Says I should work, not work, change careers or study as I want to and not feel pressured to do anything.

I think where I feel we "sacrifice" things is in quality time together just connecting. It's always work, with busy weekends with DC. We do try and do couples time once a week but it can be exhausting and we end up talking about his work, or using the time to discuss finances, dream futures rather than being present. Our sex life has suffered since DC - my libido really. I miss going for walks together, chatting about the world or really connecting.

Cross posted with you @Supertayto
Yes the career progression! I stick at mine as it's a vocation and I've got some expertise- don't want to sacrifice my professional value and throw it all away. Hate the traditional roles also.

I worked in IB a long time ago. Income progression was nuts. My package near enough doubled each year from a pretty decent starting point. I’m assuming that hasn’t changed massively in the interim? You really are in the trenches right now but it really should get easier financially (and therefore practically) with each passing year.