Staying in touch with widowed daughter in law

[GiraffeNecked]

Dh's son passed away in his 20s 4 years ago. We've kept in touch with his widow as we, and the rest of the family, were all very close. She doesn't have any family in the UK and would come to visit for Christmas and summer holidays even though she lives quite far away.

We are still close and she's asked to visit again and stay, but to bring her new boyfriend. We are delighted that she's met someone nice and we like him and have met him a couple of times for dinner when visiting the city where she lives now.

It feels comfortable and nice to see her, and she's a link to DH's son, but this will be a new dynamic. Any thoughts?

I think it sounds like a marvellous chance to keep her in your life, and to be part of her future.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband's son.

I don't think there's any right or wrong here, as long as everyone behaves well. It's wonderful that she's found someone, if you can welcome him into your family too then that would be very kind and gracious of you. She obviously thinks a lot of you all if she isn't trying to distance herself.

At the same time, if the family, and your husband in particular, find it too painful to welcome her new partner then I think that would be understandable. It would be best to have the conversation with her in that case, and perhaps tell her you're happy she has him and you don't begrudge her happiness.

When someone dies that young it really does take a bomb to the family and it can take a while for the relationships to shake out.

I'm impressed with her new boyfriend coming to stay with us and seeming OK with it.

I think it'll all be absolutely fine, she knows her way round where we live, my in laws are all very involved and my DH and his ex are fine with it too.

But we have discussed it and half thought we might hardly see her again once she'd met someone, but it looks like we might at some stage be welcoming their kids for holidays!

She knows we are happy for her and want her to be happy in this new relationship, which looks like it's a keeper, they moved in together not long ago.

That's really lovely OP. If everyone is happy to stay in touch it can only be a good thing. Sounds like her new partner is very respectful of her first husband too.

I am so sorry for the loss of your step son, how tragically young. You are all to be admired for keeping in close contact with his widow. However, I can perfectly understand how having her new boyfriend to stay would be uncomfortable. Meeting them for a meal is one thing but coming to stay, where presumably she and your DSS slept, is entirely different.

My advice would be to say yes because I strongly suspect her ties to you and your DH will start to fade now she is in a new relationship. She is moving on after four years and, I would imagine, her new bf would want her to be more involved with his family in due course. I really doubt he will want to come to stay with you on a regular basis. He will want to start afresh with his new love.

I am so sorry that your DH lost his son so young. That's lovely that she has found a kind man and that you are kind enough to welcome him and I hope it works out for you all. I think as long as it's all friendly and easy going it hopefully will continue for years and everyone will be happy together.

Nothing wrong with it. You like her. She likes you. It must have been awful for all of you to lose a son at such a young age. It's nice that's she has found happiness and wants to share it with you x

I think that’s lovely that she has you both and wants to spend time with you both

I think this is lovely and you are lucky IMO.

How lovely you are close and good luck.

Dynamic-wise I’d suggest talking openly about your stepson as you would do normally, not treating him as a taboo subject or anything. I’m sure you wouldn’t, but just tiptoeing around him could be awkward.

We're very close to my widowed SIL. She was 26 when we lost my brother and she has always always always been our family.

She met someone new (a distant friend of hers and my brothers!) and they've been together 5 years or so now.

It has never been in question that she's our family and is invited to and attends all family events (in our extended family as well) as well as her partner who were all fond of.

Our brother loved her, and we love her. She's on my dad's "daughters" WhatsApp group, she sends flowers for my mum on Mother's Day, she's there at Christmas - she's family and we would never have it any other way.

Not exactly the same situation but we see my stepdad and his new girlfriend over Christmas. My Mum died around 5 years ago, and while he didn't meet my Mum until after I reached adulthood so he's not really a father figure, he is still family and so we treat his new partner as such too.

It's probably different when it's your child that died, as you see the new person as fitting into a life your son should have had, but at the end of the day you want your DIL to be happy. She obviously wants to remain in your lives, and so at some point that's likely to come with a new family. Making yourself part of that family isn't dishonouring or damaging your memory of your son.

Oh how very wonderful is this.

There’s some lovely stories here. Thank you. I hope she can stay part of our lives.