I’ve never found home, what does it feel like?

[Restassuredimfull]

I’m never happy wherever I am. I have moved house a grand total of 17 times (6 of them were during my childhood admittedly) I find somewhere new, get excited by the change and the opportunity to decorate and make it homely, then I move in and hate it.

There are always issues whether it’s with the house itself, or neighbours or the general area. No where ever feels like home to me. I wait it out at least a year and the feeling never changes. I always long for better. When I get the home that is ‘better’ in my mind, it’s still full of issues that puts me off.

Currently I am living in a house that we moved into 6 weeks ago and I’ve hated it since the minute I stepped inside. I loved it before moving in. I hate the location and the road most of all. Every area gets good and bad but I clearly chose the worst road and ended up with the most run down house on it.

The guilt I feel to my children overrides my own feelings. It rubs off on them as they never feel at home for long in one place (common in rented properties when landlords sell etc). I wanted to find a forever home that ticks the boxes and makes me happy but I’m still looking and I’m sick of it.

Obviously I know I’m the problem as it’s happening constantly. Most people would kill to have the homes I’ve had (and some have been done up lovely since I’ve left) but none of them have been right for me. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I find a fault and want to disappear. I skip from town to town to start over where I don’t know anyone and then something gets to me and I feel I need to start the process over again.

I know it’s not normal or fair on my children. They’ve always maintained the same friends and schools, we’ve never moved far enough that I couldn’t take them. But I know how important it is feeling at home and spending your childhood somewhere safe and secure (something I never experienced).

I had mental health issues in my early adult years, ocd, anxiety and depression. I know this could partly be to do with it, not feeling a sense of worth or purpose and hoping a new home would fix that. I’m desperate for somewhere to feel like home so I can stop searching and finally settle. I’ve spent endless amounts of money that I’d rather not have. I have plenty of regrets.

The feeling just gets worse and I don’t know how to stop it. My doctor medicated me but that didn’t work. Counselling hasn’t changed my mindset although it did help me accept the reasons behind it that I’ve mentioned above. She described it as me constantly running away but not knowing who or what from. Myself?

Can anyone help or share their ideas if you have felt this way? What will finally stop this desperation to escape?

I kind of know what you mean in the sense that I am disappointed that I’m in a small house without parking or the privacy that I’d like in an ideal world. However it does feel like home. It’s better than the other homes I’ve had and is filled with my loved ones and feels safe. Even as a miserable old soul with anxiety I am content here. I don’t have aspirations and am not an ambitious person, so that may have lead to me being happy with a ‘good enough’ home.

Stay somewhere for 10 years and it will start to feel like home, if you keep moving nowhere will ever feel like home.

It's a mental habit.

I can relate, was also moved frequently as a child. Maybe 6 houses in 8 years?

The feeling of being at home is inside you, not outside. So the "fix" or change has to be inside you.

Sometimes I feel more "at home" in a coffee shop 🤷‍♀️ because it's a feeling not a place.

What were the reasons for moving so many times in childhood? This might be affecting your feelings now.

It’s very simple. Safer and more comfortable inside than outside.

When I come home, I’m relieved to be away from outside.

I enjoy making the inside nicer, because it’s mine.

Does that help at all?

You keep changing the external surroundings but maybe it's your internal life that needs some attention? Think about the feelings you have when you find a new home that catches your eye, what are you thinking about? What are you projecting onto that new property? You then move in and feel flat and dissatisfied because it's just bricks and mortar. I think you are trying to fulfil an unmet emotional need. I kind of relate but the stamp duty reins me in.

I used to be like this, I always wanted to try and get somewhere better or improve where we lived. I got more settled with age and now that I have my own home, but it stull took me a few years to really love it, and now I'm really attached to my home, I've made things the way I like them, I had to invest in making my home nice and in the process it has become part of me.

In retrospect I was running from a feeling of discomfort inside myself.

I was projecting that discomfort onto things outside me.

I do regret it as my children moved a lot, although I was always trying to improve our lives.

I think you just have to force yourself to stay put and your home will grow on you.

Wherever you go, you always take 'you' with 'you'. This is not a criticism, but the truth you have to face- and probably should seek counselling to see how 'you' can feel at home with yourself.

I used to do this. I bad therapy and dealt with a lot of anxiety. I decided consciously to settle down and somehow I have.

Your feeling quiet normal, it is the grass is greener Billy goats story.
Instead you could try listing your blessings, your safe, you can pay your bills, you have food and love.
If you feel this way wherever you live then moving is not the answer, because you won't cure the feeling.
See this as an investment that will help you.move upwards in the future. It is not for ever, just for now.