Any advice or experiences on coping after abortion, really struggling

[Shreddiesandmuseli]

I had an abortion last Wednesday and I’m not coping. I was 13 weeks at the time of the procedure which was delayed to to a lack of appointments and being unable to decide what to do. I’m 41, I’ve got 2 lovely DC aged 5 and 3 and a supportive DH. Both of our DC were IVF babies and this pregnancy was unexpected (we were told almost impossible to have natural pregnant by our consultant) but after absolutely agonising over the decision we decided we couldn’t cope with a 3rd baby. We felt that we were already physically and mentally exhausted, getting older and we have a big mortgage to pay. Another baby would have meant sacrifices, impact on our current children and we didn’t want to risk complications of a birth in someone of my age. I was also very sick and fatigued in the pregnancy which made me very low and anxious and I feel like that has probably impacted on my decision.

I cried all day when I took the first tablet before the surgical procedure the next day, and on the day. I have felt extreme and deep regret and guilt since. I can’t stop crying, I am barely functioning and I can’t see a way through this. I’ve chosen to end the life of my miracle baby, I can’t get past this, I didn’t know what I was doing and I would do anything to turn back time. The process is barbaric and horrendous and it’s my fault I was so far on in the pregnancy. I keep having flashbacks to the surgery and desperately want to walk out of that clinic like I almost did. All my reasons seem selfish and awful. We could have afforded it, we could have managed, our DC would have loved another sibling, it would have been lovely.

I spoke to someone from the arch charity yesterday and she said they have had people struggling many many years later, some even 60 years later. Is this it for me now? Nothing could feel worse than this and I don’t think I can live with this guilt and regret. The only thing keeping me going is my DC and DH.

I’m really looking for advice and experiences on how to get through this, how to cope, if I will ever start to feel like I can come to terms with what I’ve done. Thank you.

I've no experience or advice to share I'm afraid, but I just wanted to offer my sympathies.

I'm sorry for your loss, and for how you're now feeling. Allow yourself time to grieve; how you're feeling is completely normal and natural.

Councelling. It helped me alot. I know it feels like it’s consuming you now but I promise it does get easier. Feel free to PM me if you need a chat.

Just do not find the words, but this must be hard, especially as you had to go via IVF route. You both knew it would have been just too much for you, and would affect your other two. There is no going back- so get help and counselling to help you go forward and be at peace with your decision.

You did it for fear it would affect your family- it would be too sad as this will affect it so much, because you can't accept your decision. Virtual 'hug' - please get the help you need.

I had an abortion when i already had 3 other kids. It was logically absolutely the right choice - finances, impact on the other children, age, space etc.
I do still wonder about that 4th child and fell guilty but I just remind myself that it was the right choice. this was 10 years ago now.

(Huge hug)
I don’t know if this helps, but I once made the opposite decision. While I don’t regret it I am acutely aware of the consequences, especially as DH’s health has catastrophically failed in the last few years. You made a decision with love, for everyone in your family. Be very, very kind to yourself; shed whatever tears you need to.
Your blood is a fluctuating soup of hormones right now so be patient with yourself. Grieve all you need and take whatever counselling you can access.

Oh, you poor, poor love. The sadness and regret poured out in your post made me cry.

I know it must be so very difficult but you need to forgive yourself for the decision that you made. You made it with good intentions and careful consideration. You did your best.

None of knows what might have been the outcome if we'd made different decisions or taken different paths. You can never know what would actually have happened had you continued with the pregnancy. You weighed up the likely possibilities and probabilities and made a decision - and you don't deserve to be punished for doing that.

I think it would be helpful if you were to seek support and counselling to help you come to terms with your grief and loss.

Thanks for your replies and support everyone. Some really good points about counselling being helpful, trying to find forgiveness in myself and not letting this ruin everything for my family. I’ve booked some counselling and I’m off work for a bit. I hope I can come through the other side of this somehow.

I had a mini funeral for it, which helped. That, and lots of time and reasoning with myself.

I asked at the clinic whether I could have a picture of the ultrasound. They gave me one and a few days after the abortion (mine was surgical) I went to a quaint little forest and burnt the picture, then buried the ashes. It means I have a place to go back to if I ever want to visit. It's been over 10 years and I haven't been back yet.

I cried a lot, with guilt, the first few days and weeks and it didn't help that my then-partner didn't see what the big issue was (he pressured me into the abortion).

I still think about the pregnancy now and again; I think it would have turned out a girl. But time does put a bigger distance between you and the pain and you will be able to think more logically once the hormones have calmed down and life has moved on a bit.

@Michiru I’m so sorry to hear you went through this too, it’s so awful. I was thinking about having a little ceremony or something so maybe I’ll do that. I’ve got a photo from a private scan. I debated whether to take anything home after the procedure but decided it would be too much to drive for 2 hours with it.

I’m glad you did start to process things after some time had gone by and you sound at peace with things x

Hiya I'm a month post abortion and honestly I'm juat not coping, I feel physically and emotionally exhust and the guilt is eating me away.

I've been with my partner almost two years, I thought it was near on impossible for me to fall pregnent, last time I fell pregnent was 15 years ago, I miscarried very early on and was unaware I was pregnent until I miscarried. I've had on going hormone issues, kissed periods

I found out I was pregnent at 2 weeks and decided that an abortion was the right decision due to it not being the right time for me and my partner and due to the fact I was on retinol which can cause birth defects. As much as I know it was the right decision the guilt is eating me away.

My partner was amazing before the abortion and afterwards but as time goes on it seems he has moved on from the situation and doesnt understand why im still really struggling.