WTF should I do!?!

[NoRealPersonInvolved]

I'm really struggling with a major life decision and feel like I'm going to have a break down over it.

The town where we live is run down and depressing and the local secondary school is not great and we would like to move to another area 70 miles away (where we previously lived, much nicer - the sort of place that makes it onto top places to live in the UK - but we moved for work pre-covid). This will cost around £40k in fees and we'd have to borrow more at higher rates. Our current mortgage will be clear in 10 years if we stay here, the move will mean that's closer to 20 years. The move would mean an improvement in quality of life for all of us (me, husband, 9 year old son and 15yo step-daughter that we see eow) as well as access to an extremely good secondary school for our son. We would be closer to step-daughter and she could come to us independently giving us more flexibility now she has a more active social life. The kids have a great relationship and we'd love to see her more often.

The problem is I have a long standing back problem which became much worse last year and I'm now disabled and living with chronic pain (this may improve over time but there's no guarantee). I'm worried that my long term ability to work full time is now at risk and if I couldn't work we'd be forced to sell the new house and find somewhere cheaper.

If we stay where we are we have a large extended 1930s semi (200m2 + driveway for 4 cars) which I love in a leafy village on the outskirts of town compared to the small detached new build we are considering in the new location (110m2) but it's right next to the school and 45min walk to town. We would also be able to send our son to the local independent school which he has been offered a place for to start in Yr 6 (this September). He also has friends that go there already. If we move he will have do Yr 6 in a new primary as we'll have to be there for the year prior to starting secondary school.

We don't have much in the way of savings and won't be getting any inheritance and we're both in our mid-forties.

Location, location, location! I’d go and look into jobs that you can do from home.

I moved from a run down town to a much nice area as I didn’t want my children growing to there. It was the best decision I made x

How would the move impact on work ? Do you both wfh now?

I’m confused about the school situation - if you move your DS will go to a new primary school for year 6 but then a really good state school for secondary? But then you mention independent school starting in year 6 - is this if you move or stay ?

We both WFH with 1-2 office days so doesn't really matter where we live for work. If we move we have to be in the new area for the school application by September this year so he will have to change school for the final year of primary. The independent school is selective so if we stay here we'd prefer him to do the final primary year there to help pass the test as well as be an easier transition to Year 7.

Ok.

So if you stay:

Pros: bigger house, nice garden
Cons: have to pay for indie(?), step daughter has to travel

Move:
Pros: don't have to pay for indie, step daughter travels less, both kids can be more independent
Cons: house costs more

So financially, would the house move cost more than secondary independent through to 18?

yes, the total cost of the house move in fees and interest is roughly the same or slightly more (difficult to model due to interest rates) than the cost of the school

When you say “an extremely good secondary school” what are you basing this on ? Ofsted rating? Rumour ? It sounds like a major factor for you is this school, so I’d be wanting to make sure it is as good as you think. And are there any spaces in year 6 in the primaries nearby? Because moving in year 6 you’d want to make sure it’s to a school where the majority of kids go on to the secondary so he’s making friends that will go with him.

If you stay you will send your child to the independent school from year 6 - can you afford this for the next 8 years ? You say you’re worried that eventually you might not be able to work full time, so surely there’s a worry you couldn’t afford the fees ?

This is muddled. OP you are disabled - are you currently able to work full time despite chronic pain? What might enable your back to improve so you can continue to work full time - how unrealistic is that plan?

also If you and your dh have to be in the office 1-2 times (per week?) then that 140-mile round trip if you have moved 70 miles away seems a terrible idea (commuting with a bad back is a nightmare).

As your dh I would be annoyed if you moved the family back to your old town, signed up ds for expensive independent school, signed up for long commutes once or twice a week, and then discovered you couldn’t work due to disability and the whole lifestyle becomes unaffordable and unsustainable.

Will your new home be sufficiently adaptable for you if your disability deteriorates (space for downstairs wet room and bedroom, wheelchair/walking frame, space for a vehicle that can transport you)? Can you afford/get insurance in case you are forced out of work, so that mortgage is paid?

I wouldn’t worry about extending the mortgage into your 60s but I would be worried about being possibly forced to downsize at a time not of your choosing because of ill health and poverty.

Why does your son have to go to the “not great” local secondary school - are there no other choices at all? Many kids don’t pick their local school , unlike primary when you tend to go to your catchment school.

No it's not ofsted related it's ranked one of the best schools in the county for years. Yes we could afford it, if I couldn't work I could release equity from the house to cover the fees and we could also consider a local college for A-levels if he goes down that road. But the main difference is we have choices which reduces stress.

My office is roughly the same commute in both options but I would also be allowed to WFH 100% if I need to. Husband is the one we moved for when he used to commute that 140 mile journey every day but now does 1 day per week, but I expect he will be asked to do 2 at some point. Having said that work options for both of us are better in the new location but we have a fairly solid situation so for me the work aspect is not really a driver for the move.

Yes I can work full time at the moment, a lot of people work full time with chronic back pain it's pretty common. I had surgery last year and now I have nerve damage in my leg. I don't expect to be in a wheelchair but I suppose you never know.

school wise - yes you usually have to go to the school that you're in the catchment for but all the schools in the area have very low results and having gone to terrible school myself I don't want that for him.