Gender disappointment - is it the depression?

[Littlelionroar1982]

I’m 27 weeks pregnant, have an amazing little boy and I’m expecting another little boy. I’ve had an awful pregnancy, like I did first time round - hyperemesis - so constant sick and nausea, medication and hospital admissions and I’m just exhausted. I’ve also been diagnosed with ante natal depression. I’ve never ever had mental health struggles so this is completely new and awful, I have no interest in anything I normally do, my friends and family irritate me and my other half who is being super supportive I don’t know how I feel about him anymore and I’m convinced that it’s just the depression. Which I’ve been referred to speak to someone by the way. One thing I absolutely cannot shake and feel awful for is how upset I’ve realised I am that I’m having another boy. I’ve not come for an ear bashing about how grateful I should be, I am of course, I’ve lost babies before this so I’ve given myself enough grief for feeling like this but I’m grieving the daughter I’ll never have as we won’t ever have another child I can’t put myself through another pregnancy. I’m very close to my mum grandma and sister and wanted that relationship growing up with a daughter. What I’m looking for, hopefully, is someone who has been through the pregnancy depression and can confirm to me it’s just the depression talking and not how I’ll feel when baby comes. I’m so jealous of everyone who has a little girl and can’t stop crying I feel ridiculous. Again if you’re just going to tell me to be grateful or say something mean please don’t comment I give myself enough grief and I’m in a pretty bad way so it won’t help.

I think you’re grieving a dream that now won’t happen. You wanted a girl to have the same relationship you have with the females in your life and that is not going to happen now.
You know that
a - it may not have happened anyway- a girl you had bay not have had the close relationship you have with your mum/sister
b- you can’t choose the sex of an unborn child so having another boy was always a 50/50 chance

i do think you need to ‘grieve’ the dream and face the reality. You are having a baby boy. Your first boy has bought you so much joy and love. Another boy will add to that hugely. You’ve provided your ds with a brother and that relationship they’ll have will be magical.

One Thing is certain and that’s you will love your new baby boy when he is born.
Talk to the professionals- they’ll have heard it before and will have more advice about how to move past the dream.

Poor you, you sound in a bad way. Hopefully talking to someone will help. I'm sure the depression is making things 100 times worse but it's not unreasonable to grieve for a relationship you'd hoped to have. There's a recent Guardian problem page article on this https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/mar/15/im-finding-it-hard-to-accept-that-i-may-never-have-a-daughter I have a daughter and a son and while my relationship with each is different it's not because they are different sexes, it's because they are different people. I hope you get the support you need to navigate this op.

I think I understand how you feel. I had hyperemisis too and couldn’t leave my bed for 2 weeks when I found out I was having my 3rd boy. I cried and had to process that I wouldn’t have a daughter and then felt awful for being ungrateful.

My three boys are now teenagers and although I dreaded the teenage years, I am finding that even teenage boys are delightful, affectionate and such good company to have around!

I promise you this feeling won’t last. You will have your baby boy and it will be wonderful. You will settle into a new family life of 4 and will find the need for a girl won’t be there. Your boys will grow into their own little charcters and you won’t want or need them to be anything other than themselves. I think now that although the mother/daughter relationship is sometimes considered to be the most close, it can also be extremely complicated. As you see your children grow, it doesn’t matter at all what sex they are, I don’t even think about it but just appreciate the unique individual relationship that I have with each of my children. As will you I am sure…

Thank you for replying, I really am in a bad way. My partner knows how low I am but I’ve not voiced my upset about gender / he’d hoped for a girl but his brother is his best friend so he knows ours will be the same. Me, selfishly I wanted to replicate my mother daughter relationship and I’m bereft I won’t have that. So may friends are too close to their mothers at our age I don’t know many males who are close to their mums and I’m grieving that future life I won’t have. I’m writing this with tears in my eyes locked away upstairs so no one can see me, I thought it’d get better as the pregnancy went on but I’m just feeling worse I don’t want to do anything I just want to sit and cry (it’s not all about gender it’s just how I’m feeling) and I’m scared I’ll never feel like myself again. I’m the happiest most positive person I know and yet I’ve cried so much I’m making myself sick. What is wrong with me

I was a bit like this too. But I have three boys now and was actually absolutely fine with the third boy.
I have a great relationship with my mum and wanted the same. I have the same with my boys now they are grown though. You will find you don’t look at them as ‘boys’ they turn into ‘children ’. And two boys will be great friends too. Mine are.

This is depression I'm afraid. I'm glad you are normally a positive person because that's who you really are. Are you going to be able to speak to a counsellor soon? You should be able to let this all out to someone who can help you recover. If you are still vomiting a lot you may be malnourished - your body will be prioritising sustaining your baby. Do you feel like you are keeping down enough food? Are you taking supplements? Something to discuss with your doctor as lack of calories and/or minerals and vitamins can affect your mental health. I hope you feel better soon. This will pass.

I was so sad to have two boys. Same as you , grieving really for what I wouldn’t have. But you will have the same love, maybe more. Little boys are so cuddly. My boys all work now and we meet for coffee by their office. They come over at weekends. They come to the coast with us in summer. You just have to make sure you facilitate time for them to be together as sports crowds their days. But even though you bring them up the same they will have different interests. And you will love being part of that. You will be busy with boys growing up!

It likely is the depression yes. Depression makes everything seem worse than it actually is. So while you might have felt only slightly disappointed to be having another boy if you were mentally well, the depression has blown it out of all proportion in your mind. I have not been through antenatal depression myself, but I follow Precious Stars Vlogs on YouTube and she’s made some great videos on the subject. She had a similar experience to you, a very difficult pregnancy with severe depression and gender disappointment as a result of that. It did go away for her when her baby was born. It might be worth checking her videos out if you’re looking for someone who’s had a similar experience.

Please please get some counselling. You need to really deal with this before your baby arrives. Your children’s sex does not need to have any bearing on how their express their gender, how they are as children, and your relationship with them. You need to let go of your rose tinted vision of having a female child, and appreciate what you are very lucky to have.

I can understand why you’d be grieving the daughter you never had, and I say this as someone who’s ttc and would be delighted with any baby.

If it helps, my brother is way closer to my mum than I am and visits a lot more frequently. My auntie has two boys (both married) and they’re also very close. My husband adores his mum and they are by far the closest out of him and his sisters. In fact in most of the families I know the sons are closer to the mums than the daughters. The love I have seen boys show towards their mum is immense to be honest, I know my husband is blind to his mums faults in a way I’m not with mine because he loves her so much. I’m certain you’ll be able to forge this close relationship with your boys too ☺️.

Thank you - I just want to be excited for my baby, my old self would hate who I am and as someone who had fertility issues and lost 2 babies I’m so angry at myself for feeling like this but I haven’t chosen to. I only saw the consultant last week who’s made a referall and I see my midwife this week, I’m not adverse to getting help cause I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Today is the worse I’ve ever felt and I’ve just had to let it out. But I don’t think I’ll ever get over not having a girl.

Oh I feel for you. I have two boys and they are a delight but I am finding it hard to let go of the idea of a daughter. I did wonder if previous losses have compounded it for you? I really didn't bond with my pregnancy with DS2 at all because I had a previous miscarriage that I found very traumatic. I felt a lot of pressure to be grateful, but I was permanently anxious about things going wrong. It definitely made bonding after birth harder too. It helped me to try to separate my lovely DSs from the absence of a DD. As I'm dropping BF I'm finding I feel better about everything - hormones make anxiety and depression even more difficult.

Some great advice on here.

Me, selfishly I wanted to replicate my mother daughter relationship and I’m bereft I won’t have that

That may never have occurred though even if you had a daughter. I love my DD dearly and she loves me dearly but I wouldn’t say we have a close relationship. She has a closer relationship with DH as their personalities and interests are similar. I would say I have a closer relationship with two of my boys and one of those had a close relationship with my mum when she was alive, much closer than my DD and closer than the other boys. My relationship with DD is absolutely nothing like the relationship I had with my mum and grandma. It’s just dependant on individual personalities.

You ‘replicating’ things relies on your DD being pretty much exactly the same as you. But it may have been your DD would have had a closer relationship with your DH. So grieving something that may not have occurred even if you had a DD. Maybe look at it that way.

I can’t count the number of bands and concerts I’ve gone to see in the last year, with my sons, a few movies, footy games, lunches (I always pay so they are happy to do so🤣). In 12 months I’ve seen one movie with DD and we had dinner beforehand.