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Original poster

Would these things annoy you?

16 replies

changedmyname24 · 16/03/2024 07:41

Help settle an argument please! I am struggling a bit lately, with menopause, work & just life being so busy. DH is struggling with me struggling & said last night I am not the person he knows any more, I get too cross at little things & I should just let them pass by.

For context, he was made redundant about 2 months ago & is at home all day. He's done some big & necessary DIY jobs & looks for work. Takes DS1 to football training & matches & also has DC every other Saturday while I work. I work 18.5 hours per week & do all other child stuff & housework. 3 Dses between 10-15 who all do lots of activities, DS2 has moderate level of SEN. DH has also been depressed recently. So things are not easy.

Recently these things happened which upset me. He told me I need to get a grip & sort myself out.

  • Made himself a cup of tea without offering one to me (I was on exercise bike upstairs but nearly finished)
  • Washed some towels & underwear. But only his underwear, not mine or DSes.
  • Lay in bed till 7 while I got up at 6.30 to sort DSes out for school. I was then late for work.

Writing them down maybe I was petty. But they felt massive at the time. So I don't know if it's hormones making me overreact or something else 😏

OP posts:
MamaWillYouBuyMeAWillYouBuyMeABanana · 16/03/2024 07:48

The cup of tea one, how was he to know you were almost done? That wouldn't bother me.

With the washing it depends on whether he just grabbed a pile from beside his bed or whether or actually went picking through the wash basket and got his own stuff.

With the last one I would have shouted up and told him I was leaving and he had to take over. I wouldn't have been late for work with another adult in the house.

With these instances it does sound a bit petty tbh.

However it also sounds like you're unhappy in general and take on far more than he does, which is a massive issue that needs sorting out.

pictoosh · 16/03/2024 07:49

It does sound petty. I can't answer whether or not it's down to hormones...but your examples are trivial. I wouldn't make a cup of tea for someone on an exercise bike.
If these are the sorts of things you're becoming aggressive and argumentative over, I'd be fed up with you.

There will be more to this of course...but I'm going on what information you have provided.

Original poster
changedmyname24 · 16/03/2024 08:33

Oh dear, I did think I might be petty 🙈

The washing one, he went through the washbasket & picked out just his own clothes. I also needed clean stuff as I had worked lots of overtime & not really been home & also prepared DS1 for 2 separate big trips (washing & packing/unpacking in a 1-day window). But still I shouldn't have got cross.

The third example - I called up to him twice with no response. Couldn't leave DSes alone as they were fighting & also DS2 might have a seizure (epilepsy) before his meds kick in.

Overall, life has been pretty stressful lately, with money worries as he's not working, his depression, lots to plan & organise for & feeling like I'm the one who has to do it all. And I find it really stressful when he does DIY round the house & it takes over the whole house. I am used to having a Monday to recoup & catch up on any jobs on my own & not finding it easy having somebody there all the time. But I think I need to try better to hold my tongue 😬

OP posts:

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LightSwerve · 16/03/2024 08:38

Tea - no you were in a different room
Washing - yes, selfish
Lying in - not if you get the opportunity another day

But small things do mount up. Is he selfish overall? If so address that not each incident.

And a little bit tell him 'fuck you' from me - of course you're different now, it's called ageing whilst having shit loads of responsibilities. Is he also exactly as he was when life was easy?

LightSwerve · 16/03/2024 08:40

You're carrying a lot.

You can say to him 'I'm carrying a lot - working, two kids with additional needs, redundancy, depressed husband'.

He's nitpicking too.

BigPussyEnergy · 16/03/2024 08:41

YANBU to feel frazzled and want your H to show some consideration. Whether or not he was specifically at fault during those interactions, that’s a matter of how you usually manage those tasks, but overall you feel like you’re carrying the burden of home life and work at the moment and he needs to acknowledge that he’s capable of doing more to support you all. Even if that’s just a cup of tea.

FWIW a cup of tea was the catalyst for the argument that ended my last relationship. On its own it’s a small thing, but to an exhausted menopausal woman shouldering huge responsibility, it represents a small moment of caring - it’s an act of service, as is the washing - that shows that you’re being considered. He's not considering you.

Pepsimaxedout · 16/03/2024 08:42

Watching for the back story of OP has always been the one carrying the load for everyone and she has just finally imploded after decades of this kind of behaviour from a lazy arse DH.

This is usually how these threads go down.

DrJoanAllenby · 16/03/2024 08:42

You're not picking. He is under stress from losing his jobs and needs your support not you finding fault with ever little thing he does 'wrong'.

BigPussyEnergy · 16/03/2024 08:43

Also. I was adjusting my menopause meds at the time I fell out with my ex and he said some truly unforgivable things about it. Are you on HRT? Is he in any way sympathetic to that? Is he being medicated for depression? And do you give him a pass when he’s struggling mentally?

BigPussyEnergy · 16/03/2024 08:44

Pepsimaxedout · 16/03/2024 08:42

Watching for the back story of OP has always been the one carrying the load for everyone and she has just finally imploded after decades of this kind of behaviour from a lazy arse DH.

This is usually how these threads go down.

That’s pretty much menopause in a nutshell I think!

Original poster
changedmyname24 · 16/03/2024 08:52

I am on HRT patches & it seemed to be improving things for a while. But now back to how I was before.

He is not on anything for depression but has seen GP who apparently gave him a phone number to call. He goes out for an hour long walk every day, which I feel slightly envious of because there is no way I could fit that in.

OP posts:
Original poster
changedmyname24 · 16/03/2024 08:54

BigPussyEnergy · 16/03/2024 08:41

YANBU to feel frazzled and want your H to show some consideration. Whether or not he was specifically at fault during those interactions, that’s a matter of how you usually manage those tasks, but overall you feel like you’re carrying the burden of home life and work at the moment and he needs to acknowledge that he’s capable of doing more to support you all. Even if that’s just a cup of tea.

FWIW a cup of tea was the catalyst for the argument that ended my last relationship. On its own it’s a small thing, but to an exhausted menopausal woman shouldering huge responsibility, it represents a small moment of caring - it’s an act of service, as is the washing - that shows that you’re being considered. He's not considering you.

That has really summed it up! Thank you.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/03/2024 08:57

He isn't working yet you are still doing the lion share of everything- I would be beyond pissed off tbh.

jolies1 · 16/03/2024 08:59

Cup of tea - not an issue as you were in a different room and busy, as long as he makes you one from time to time.
Washing - I would comment on this! He could have done a couple of loads instead of picking out his own bits.
Getting kids up - firmly make clear that on your working days he is responsible for getting kids up and to school. He can have his hours walk after that!
Oldest DS at 15 can start helping a little too eg own washing.

twohotwaterbottles · 16/03/2024 09:15

Would you both consider some relationship counselling? It can really help in getting things out in the open. Once resentment creeps in it's hard to get back from that and it sounds like you may both be heading there. Good luck OP x

Original poster
changedmyname24 · 16/03/2024 09:34

twohotwaterbottles · 16/03/2024 09:15

Would you both consider some relationship counselling? It can really help in getting things out in the open. Once resentment creeps in it's hard to get back from that and it sounds like you may both be heading there. Good luck OP x

We might need it I think, much as I think it would be so very hard. Atm, I feel like I can't stay with him, but I can't imagine being without him- we have literally been together for half my life & he has been my only proper boyfriend, partner, everything. 😥

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