Failure as a parent.

[Purplepinkfairy]

Wondering does any one feel like a failure as a parent. I have 3 sons age 15,11 and 9......I do my best for them. I work in a job I hate with unsocial hours. So I can be there to do school runs, hobbies etc. They are not spoilt. But they get whatever they need. But I feel they constantly are fighting with me, picking at me, I spend my evenings in my bedroom on my phone or watching TV. I literally put food on the table, they complained. They do hobbies and honesty are crap at them costing me a fortune but yet won't quit,or won't practice, and is costing alot of money.....they are good kids in school, everyone compliments me on them that they are well dehaved and do there best. But at home they are always moaning and complaining.....at this stage I feel like maybe they would be better off without me. Relationship with there dad is practically finished, we hardly see each other, we work opposite shits and have separate bedrooms ..everytime i do try and talk to him his answer is i don't know. .Not sure why I'm writing this I think just to get it off my chest.

I do often, but mine are much younger. I think it's a very common feeling.

Teenagers/preteens are horrible, even the good ones. It's in their job description. Looking back, I was quite nasty to my parents from about 11 - 17/18ish. They couldn't do anything right. I was probably so mean to them because I felt the safest with them. Like a toddler. I knew they would be there for me even if I was a brat. I totally took the for granted.

You're clearly doing something right because of the compliments for their behaviour at school. Try and discuss the hobbies with them. Maybe reframe: 'you don't seem to be enjoying X very much, I never see you practice. I don't want to pay for something that you don't like. I don't want to nag you to do anything but if I see you're not practicing I'm going to stop paying for X.' Give them a couple of weeks then follow through if their behaviour hasn't changed and stop funding them.

Are there programmes you can watch with your sons? It would give you good common ground. Let them pick. And see if they can start help

Posted too soon..

See if they can start helping with the food. I have a feeling they would complain less if they picked/cooked with you.

As for your husband, hopefully it's a circumstantial rough patch that will improve with different job shifts etc. and as your kids get more independent. Good luck.

I don't think you've failed as a parent.

Teenagers can be whinging moan bags. A lot of the time nothing's ever good enough for them!

They are being good in school and well behaved. While I wouldn't tolerate disrespect in my house, I don't think you're describing what I'd think of as failure level parenting.

Hang on in there! And ask your DH for more support and back up when you give consequences etc.

Thanks for replies....ye have made me cry now. Life is tough . I know there's people alot worst off than me.

You're not a failure, but you do sound exhausted!

Hobbies aren't necessarily there just to make progress at - if they enjoy it they're usually worth paying for. Sports imparticular will be having a good impact on their health (physical and mental), even if they don't practice outside of their set sessions. If you're really stretched financially it's worth a chat, particularly with the oldest, about whether they are enjoying it, as they don't seem to be practicing etc.

Your general satisfaction in life seems quite low, with your youngest being nine, now might be a good time to look at changing jobs to something you enjoy more, or at least something with more regular hours.

Spending your evenings in your bedroom (like a teenager), probably isn't helping you to get good social time with your kids. Could you try scheduling family time, or 1:1 time with your kids? Perhaps a family board games night with pizza once a fortnight in your communal space? Or have them each cook a meal with you once a week or fortnight, of their choosing (which will help stop them moaning about the food, and teach them life skills)? Or even shouting up the stairs "I'm gonna make some popcorn and put a film on, anyone want to come down and watch with me?" Could your oldest do some (paid) babysitting whilst you find some time to reconnect with DH out of the house?

At 15 you should be honest with your dc about life being difficult and him adding to it.. They need to quit hobbies until they are more committed and appreciative imo.