Anyone feel like they don’t know themself?

[Twoweeksandcounting]

Does anyone else feel this way? I live a happy life, I have a husband, a child, a job I enjoy, pets, friends, and keep myself occupied. But I struggle to get a sense of who I am.

I have thought about this in the past, but have been triggered to think about it again by watching Married At First Sight (of all things!) and hearing them talk about their values. I realised I don’t really know what my values are. Of course, I think family is important, and I guess I like to think people will be honest with me or kind towards me. But I don’t feel strongly enough about these things to think they represent my values.

Similarly, if I was asked to describe myself in three or five words, for example, I would struggle. What about me is important enough to represent myself to other people?

I don’t hold strong views about anything much, especially if I have little interest in it (eg. politics, religion) and therefore I worry that I’m perhaps a bit bland. In social situations (in particular with people I don’t know well) I find myself letting others take the lead in conversation and if it turns to a topic I’m not interested in or knowledgeable in, I switch off a little or take a back seat - I don’t like the idea of people thinking I’m stupid for not knowing more about current events, politics, etc. Maybe this concern is unwarranted though, as I have a lot of friends and we always have plenty to talk and laugh about. My husband seems to enjoy my company as well, so it can’t be all bad!

I just can’t shake this feeling that I’m a bit…. nothingy. I don’t generally feel sorry for myself, or think badly of myself, this doesn’t really affect my day to day life and overall I am satisfied with my lot. I just find it interesting to think some people are so sure of themselves (or come across that way at least) while maybe others feel like me - do they?!

I felt like this a lot when I first became a mother. Like I'd lost my identity and all I had to talk about was the baby. I started listening to short, snappy podcasts like 'this day in history'. Gave me something to talk about that I was interested in.

However ultimately I had the same revelations you seem to have had...I have an amazing, interesting husband and clever friends who are superb company. Why would they give me the time of day if I was dull? I don't think you should have to feign an interest in topics to fit into societal expectations of small talk. Some of the best chats I've had have started with the most random questions. I don't think I'm a particularly stand out person, but I'm happy and that feels more important. I think.

Thanks for replying @Beansandneedles
I’m trying to pinpoint when I first felt like this, I think it may pre-date having children but can’t be sure. I do remember having drinks with new neighbours when we were newly married, and feeling very quickly out of my depth when the conversation turned to politics and classic literature. Maybe I need to accept that just because my tastes/interests aren’t especially highbrow, I am still an interesting person!

I agree about the random chats being some of the best ever!

Because I am happy in life, I think it is easier to manage this lack of clear identity. I imagine if I was unhappy/unfulfilled, it may feel harder.

There's a modern idea that 'values' have to be big, ground breaking things which articulate one's purpose in life and sound awe inspiring to others. Lot of old shite. LinkedIn has a lot to answer for.

Your values might be dead simple things like not being cruel to animals, being law abiding, being polite and so on. And there is nothing wrong with being centrist, contented and non-controversial. In fact it suggests you've built a pretty good life for yourself and your family.

There are excercises like this one https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-are-core-values that help you identify your core values. Basically it involves picking words that resonate with you from a list then narrowing it down to a shortlist of three or whatever.

Thank you @Superlambaanana , you may have identified my answer to the dreaded “describe yourself in three words” question! And you are quite right, back to basics may be the way forward!

@Kettleuser Interesting! I will give it a go..

Who on earth asks you to describe yourself in three words? A good answer to that is 'bored with you' or 'not your business'. A genuine enquiry would seek a bit more depth.

But anyway, I think we should all celebrate being just a bit boring! Boring is good!

My company always uses "Which 3 words would you use to describe yourself?" in job interviews!

It sound like you need some hobbies outside the home.

Are you involved in your community at all?

There's a general election coming up, have you decided who to vote for? Do you know who your elected representatives are? Have you ever responded to a government consultation?

Do you do any kind of sport/competitive activity?

Do you donate to charity? Which causes do you support?

When was the last time you read a broadsheet newspaper front to back?

Do you do anything creative? Art/music/singing/writing/crafting/baking?

Do you attend any cultural events? Festivals? Talks? Theatre/ballet/opera/musicals/comedy?

Do you have a belief system? Attend a church?

If you had a day off with no responsibilities/family what would you do?

Do you enjoy travel? Day trips? Abroad? Places you've been/would like to go?

Write out answers to all the above and you may learn a little more about yourself!

I would consider myself to be quite intense and opinionated, so the opposite of you OP, but even I feel a bit like this.

I think women often lose their identities because of our role in society and it often feels like we're just someones Mother or wife when we become adults. I would hedge a bet that single women or women in relationships with no kids don't feel this way because they have been able to stay themselves without constantly having to accommodate others while putting their wants and needs aside.

In short, I think it's a consequence of being almost entirely selfless.