WWYD - Easter gifts

[Pineconepicture]

I am raising my children to appreciate time spent over material goods. We focus on experiences and acts of kindness rather than things. If asked what we'd like we ask for presence over presents. Come and spend time with us, it's more valuable than anything which could possibly come in a box. We do also have suggestions for when presence isn't possible (namely avoid plastic, shop locally and sustainably, choose something pre-loved or at least check if we already have one), and try to show gratitude for well meant gifts if they do arrive.

My (much older) sister is a gifter. She takes joy in commercialism and giving people presents. She thinks it's her right to bestow people with gifts if she wishes and any requests or suggestions on what she buys is an insult.

She hasn't seen or spoken to me or my children in over a year. But at birthdays, Easter, Christmas or even then the kids started school she sends a message to the wider family chat group informing me to "look out for a parcel for the children". These have invariably been brand new plastic gifts, in plastic packaging, wrapped in plastic based wrapping paper.

I don't understand why she hasn't answered my phone calls or texts for a year, but she's still sending the children gifts. At Christmas she sent doubles of things we already have so I took everything to the charity shop. I feel awful about the whole situation. I feel like she's wasting her time and money and it's horrendous for the environment. It makes me sad to keep them, she's rejected having us in her life, and seems to be using gifting as a weapon to prove a point. But getting rid of the stuff makes the kids feel sad. So I have mum guilt that these gifts are nothing to do with me, they're from her to the kids and I should just stay out of it. Though then idk how to answer their questions on why we never see or speak to her.

So I'm now waiting for the Easter gifts (when did this even become a thing?!) to drop so I can also take those to some local playgroup or something. However I can't shake that if I was buying presents which were straight back out the revolving door I'd want to know.

TL:DR do I tell my estranged (her choice) sister that the gifts she keeps sending don't stay in my house longer than a day in the hopes she saves herself money and us both time and just stops sending them? It'll be a very uncomfortable chat, she can be vicious.

No, that would be rude.
Stick them on Olio or take to the charity shop if you must, but you can’t insist someone doesn’t buy things that they want to buy.
I agree it’s a PITA though.

Isn't it kind of a symptom of a broken society though that it's rude? If person A has said they don't want something, and person B keeps turning up with it, how is it that person A is the rude one? It baffles me.

Like extreme example, my friends are veggie. I am not veggie. When I take them food I don't take meat. I respect their life choices. To not do so is rude.

This person's life choice is to not be materialistic. Feels like it's the sister who needs a lesson in manners!

Thanks for the replies. Not being rude is why I've accepted the gifts up until now, even though it feels oddly controlling. It doesn't feel like it's kindly meant, it feels like some sibling power struggle and I'm so tired of it.

I like the veggie example. Someone else likened it to religion. If visiting a neighbour of a different religion you wouldn't turn up repeatedly with gifts which represent your religion rather than theirs. Or at least you wouldn't expect to keep being invited back if you weren't respecting that their household worked differently to yours. Not that I think she'd mind if I invite her back as she's not actually speaking to me. It's so warped!

Could you sell the gifts and let your children save the money, buy a 'thing' of their chouce or spend it on a trip out together?

Don't know how to deal with your sister though (mine hasn't spoken to me for decades and I still haven't worked out why!)

Send her a clear message (email, text, letter - whatever) that simply says "Please don't send the children gifts. They have lots of things already, they don't need them and we don't use them. Thank You".
Then you've done your bit.
If she carries on it's her money and her choice.
However - don't dismiss a toy simply because it's plastic. Some of the best toys are made from plastic and they will last for years. They can be passed down to the next generation or sold on (toys like Playmobil, Lego, Happyland, Sylvanian Families etc)

Oo that's a good idea!! Can't believe I'd never thought of that.

Kind of regretting giving away the brand new Thor outfit and hammer now. Bet that would have done well on Vinted! My son can be quite aggressive in his play, and back when I used to ask my sister for advice she suggested we don't have any toys in the house which encourage fighty play. Then buys a weapon. Thanks! Also he's never even heard of Thor, he was only 4 years old at the time, we're a way off the avengers!

Really sorry about your sister. Families are strange beasts.

Thank you for your reply. I did try saying something similar in person a few years ago but she laughed at me and said it was her choice if she wanted to buy things. That was before she ceased contact though so I feel it may be worth trying again.

It's hard to portray everything in one message without it being a total essay so I removed this bit from my original post but I agree with you about plastic. Nearly all the fave toys are plastic, but a vast proportion of them are also pre-loved and that bit feels important to me. We always try and buy pre-loved or live without something and rarely buy it new (not at a point where peer pressure is affecting us yet). My BIL bought the kids a HUGE second hand hot wheels track at Christmas. It's bright, noisy and garish and the children LOVE it. Buying it gave money to charity and when we're done with it we'll donate it again so it'll keep doing good. We also have Playmobil and Lego from when DH was a kid which is so special. So yes it certainly has its place.

Do your children really not want any gifts . It all sounds joyless .

I was with you apart from the bit where you said giving away the gifts makes your children sad. I get your principles, but I'm not sure why you would take the gifts away after your children had them.

You know I worry about that sometimes. They do love it when gifts do appear, and that's lush. But they seem to get more joy out of life if anything. They're excited by the small things and look forward to spending time with people. Their world is blissfully simple. They're only little for a little while, and I'm aware the years of peer pressure and expectation are probably going to catch up with us eventually, so for now I'm adoring spending time with people who think it's the best thing ever just to hang out with people they love.

Drop them at a food bank and send her a pic of them in the basket...

I worded that really badly. I've never done that. I mean that it takes away the joy that they would inevitably have when receiving a gift, because as pp said, what kid doesn't love getting a gift? Trying to balance what feels best long term (not teaching them to expect stuff all the time) with also having nice things and living in the moment.

Sometimes I wish I was parenting back in the 80's and 90's where overthinking this stuff didn't seem to be so much of a thing.

If she's estranged and refusing to speak to you then this is some kind of power play. As you talk about taking the gifts to playgroup I assume your DC are young.

I would send her an email/text that said, 'Please do not send my DC gifts as they do not remember who you are. It is over a year since you chose to have any contact with either me or them and it is therefore not appropriate for you to send them things. Anything given will simply be handed to charity'.

I like that wording, it feels fair and also highlights my main wish which was that we'd have a relationship with her. Thank you for your comment!

When she messages on the group chat reply and say "thank you but the children would much rather see you instead. Why don't we x/y/z instead of presents - they miss you"

@Pineconepicture I have a DSis who has not spoken to me for over 4 years. I tried in the past and no longer bother.

Why not buy her a gift?
If this is how she shows love, maybe she would feel more loved by you if you bought her a present? are her gifts a clumsy way of showing an olive branch?

It's a tricky situation, but I think the above responses would hurt her feelings, despite that not being the intention. If that's OK with you, fine, but if you genuinely want a relationship with your sister/your kids to know her why not meet in the middle? Eg send her a list b4 each birthday of options?

I agree with your ideals, but actually sometimes my kids have got a lot of joy out of the crap my inlaws have showered upon them, and I didn't have it in me to donate it all. I remember one year insisting my kids get books, my mother-in-law turned up with a Princess dress and clippycloppy heels for my dlaughter and she played with them on and off for 5 years, they were a lovely gift I'd never have thought of myself. The over thinking part of me hated the heels and stupid princess dress but it brought a lot of joy to my house.
I think you need to chill out a bit and occasionally let a some plastic, materialistic tat in.

Also there are a lot of charities that are amazing and accept children's toys. Eg domestic abuse shelters, very ill children's hospices. If you do want to donate them, why not pick your favourite charity then discuss it with your Children so they learn about sharing etc. Then you can keep your principles, sister stays happy and everyone benefits

The inner child in me says that if it makes your children sad that you give these gifts away - which are sent to your children, not you - then the easiest thing is to keep the gifts.

It's all very well having high ideals, but it's clearly not working out for you if your sister still sends the gifts and your kids want them.

It sounds like they'll be living worthy, ethical lives most of the time. It won't hurt them to have a bit of tacky plastic normality, or to learn that some aunts are for random gifts, not visits.

I still hold a grudge that my mum told my aunts and uncles that we didn't like chocolate at Easter. Whereas I don't care a bit that some of them didn't visit.

‘But they seem to get more joy out of life if anything. They're excited by the small things and look forward to spending time with people. Their world is blissfully simple.’ This is 100% your projection, nothing to do with your kids!
You need to lighten up a bit and let them have their own thoughts and preferences!

Not to play devils advocate, but in my experience when children are given a gift they're expected to smile politely and say thank you, regardless of their thoughts or preferences, so that the person who gave the gift can feel good about themselves as a generous benefactor. So, isn't that just two sides of the same coin?

Also I think the OP has said they DO get gifts that they love (hot wheels track), just not from relatives who seem to be pulling a power play.

Really enjoying this take on the situation. Also I am SO sorry you were denied chocolate, ouch!!

My inner child wants to grab all the things too. The years of being randomly gifted stuff seem to be fleeting, and the joy is strong! But I can see OP's point in this particular situation with this particular relative, so I like your point about the aunts.

Also, what if one day she comes back into your life and asks about the gifts, and you have to fess up that you gave them all away to both your sister and the children. Would be awkward AF. Grudges all over the place.

I agree with the sentiment but it's very sharp. Definitely could soften it up a bit while saying the same thing. I imagine that will just get her back up.

I struggle with this, I've been asking for years for certain people not to buy me presents and they put they're need to buy presents above my request not to have any. Or to keep it simple. It's very sad. The consumerism makes me very sad and the fact thar this person genuinely can't afford the presents they buy me. 10 - 15 years I've tried.

You seem very sensible.
Since you and your sister are not talking to each other, I can understand that you do not want her giving gifts to you children.
It's weird of her to keep giving gifts and then not answering your phone calls!
If she is vicious, you do not want her in your life.

But in other situations, when it's a relative or a friend that you are in contact with, someone in your life - it can be nice to accept a gift, even if you yourself don't give material gifts and you don't like "stuff"/things. A material gift might be a way for that person to show that they care and want to keep in touch.

But again, since your sister doesn't want to talk to you, I completely understand that you do not want her giving gifts to your kids.

(And I agree with you about "Easter gifts"! When did that become a thing? When I was little we received an Easter egg filled with candy. No other gifts during Easter.)

The answers here have been so useful, and certainly given me food for thought.

I think weighing up all the suggestions here we're going to keep accepting the gifts graciously, accept that she is one relative who isn't respecting our wishes and try to explain to the kids that some people show their love through sending stuff rather than wanting to see you. I think on balance we're still doing a lot for the planet and hopefully raising balanced humans. They do get all sorts of toys, you can buy almost anything on eBay and find amazing stuff in charity shops. So for as long as we can we'll keep doing the second hand or locally made thing.

Then we can work together to sell on those which aren't appropriate for us and enjoy the money for other things. That way they've always known the gift existed and were involved in the choice.

This way they can think of her as the aunt who buys cool stuff, and maybe the rest will come in time or maybe they'll manage a relationship with her that I seem to be failing at. After 30 years of trying to fall in with her, inviting her to stuff, trying to entice her to be part of my (and now our) lives I'm so tired of it. I don't have the energy to keep trying with her, and honestly how happy I am with my little family I'm realising relationships don't need to be as difficult and uncomfortable as the one I've had with her my whole life.

I think I'm pretty regretful that for the 20+ years before my children arrived I was an aunt to her children and I totally did things her way (buying obscene gifts which made me feel uncomfortable with the expense and carbon footprint) and now she isn't giving the same courtesy. She's acting the way I did as an aunt, but the difference is my actions were at her bequest and her actions are also what she wants not what I want. Perks of being the oldest I guess, you always know you don't have to follow a path set by others. I'm still learning. But I'm letting my baggage cloud my judgement and really affect my mood which isn't enjoyable.

I didn't expect to get so much balance and great advice on here. This is my first post. Thank you for sharing your time and wisdom with me. I feel like every thought I've had about the situation has surfaced somehow in this thread and given me the perspective and balance I needed to reach a conclusion I feel at peace with. You're all wonderful people. Thank you for helping.