A question about PND

[lululemonmelon]

I’ll preface by saying I’m not entirely sure what exactly I’m hoping from this, I know no one has a crystal ball but I hoped others could provide some reassurance. I have 2 boys, 6 and 2 and with my first I had PND and DH struggled with the change of having a new baby too. As a result, although he was looked after and loved, we found it very hard and didn’t feel like I properly loved him until he was about 2. I still read to him, played with him, took him out every day etc, I just felt a sense of detachment.

when we had our second, it was entirely different. I felt joy in the baby years, I WANTED to do everything I did with my first, I didn’t just do it because I had to. My eldest DS is quite reserved and shy (always has been but has come out his shell massively since starting school) and although we are so close now, I’m worried it’s because he instinctively knows how I felt in the early years of his life and it breaks my heart. There’s nothing logically that makes me think he’d know this, but they’re just so very different. My eldest is sensitive and clever and reserved and sensible and loving and my youngest is a whirlwind. I adore both these boys more than I ever thought I could love anyone and I’m scared I’ve done some lasting damage from the PND in the early years.

did anyone else have PND and their kids are now grown up? Do you feel it affected them?

please be kind, I’m very sensitive about this.

If it makes you feel any better I was the same in that I had what I now recognise as PND with my first. I didn't really accept it at the time but I was pretty miserable her first year of life and I remember many, many occasions holding her while we both cried. My DS came along 3 1/2 years later and for whatever reason I was pretty much fine, the occasional wobble but mostly enjoyed his babyhood despite it being lockdown and juggling two of them unexpectedly at home.

But unlike you my eldest (now 7) is the confident, outgoing one who just takes life in her stride. My littlest (now 3) is much quieter and shyer, and does get more easily overwhelmed. They are so different in personality it's hard to imagine they have the same parents! But my 3 year old DS who lacks confidence definitely got a better version of me in his first year. So from my experience it's unrelated, and I am sure for you it is just a coincidence. There are so many things that go into forming their little personalities, but I do feel it is mostly just intrinsic to them - most of my mum friends agree their little personalities do seem to be there in some form right from early on.

I totally understand why you are worried about it though - I feel such guilt over my daughter's start in life even though she doesn't remember it. I am trying to be kinder to myself - it wasn't my fault, I was unwell and I did amazingly given the circumstances. I hope you can be kind to yourself to - the very fact you are worried about this shows how much you love him.

Thank you so much @FunkyFangtooth for taking the time to reply. I was similar in that I didn’t recognise it was PND at the time, I just sort of struggled through it. It’s only in hindsight that I know what it is.

I think logically I know that their personalities are their personalities regardless, at least on a basic level. I love that your 7 year old is the outgoing one, that gives me hope that it hasn’t affected my eldest DS in the way I think it has. I do think I overcompensate now and make sure they both feel as loved as is humanly possible, but you read so much about what they sense as babies.

I really appreciate your reply, thank you.