DS terrible behaviour at nursery but no where else

[Everybodywhoopwhoop]

Hi

I have a 4 year old DS who is a lovely, caring and happy child...until he gets to nursery.

It feels like everyday I am getting reports about him hitting, pushing, biting and kicking his peers, sometimes with no trigger at all, I am at a loss as too why as when I take him to toddler groups, soft play, play parks he plays really nicely with other children (some he doesnt even know or has ever met before!)

His nursery are abit 'airy fairy' about discipline as they cannot say 'no do not do that' as its seen as a negative. I'm worried i'm setting my DS up to fail as he is going to primary school soon and if he thinks he can get away with it here then its going to transfer over to primary.

Has anyone else had this? Everything i've read online its normally the other way around (Horrible at home, lovely at nursery). I feel like its too late to swap nurseries with not having long left and unfair on him to change.

I'm so done with getting bad reports when there is literally nothing I can do about it!

Thanks

It sounds like he is unhappy in some way. Are they concerned about it or just telling you? It might just be very minor stuff and they have to report everything, in which case I wouldn’t worry. Or he’s copying someone or trying to communicate he wants to be elsewhere. Maybe he finds the environment stressful? What does he say when you ask him about it?

School is different again so I wouldn’t worry about that for now.

It sounds to me as if this might be the wrong nursery for him. Not all nurseries are run equally well (the one my two went to for one day a week, about 20 years ago, was a shambles and I have a recording of their first attempt at a nativity show that was so bad it was painful). And sometimes frankly the nursery staff are cheap labour - young girls straight out of school or further education who are, to be honest, not the sharpest tools in the box.

Have you considered a childminder, who might provide more personalised care and less crowded surroundings?

They haven't said they are concerned about it but they have to tell me every incident.

He goes in very happy and comes out very happy, when he does these things there isn't a malicious intent to them he just does them.

A part of me thinks it is communication as he does have a speech and language delay but none of his behaviours at nursery are consistent, there are days where he plays lovely but others can be hard work. I feel really bad for him as other parents have complained to the nursery about their child being hit/kicked/punched (I'm not blaming the parents in the slightest for this, if it was the other way around I would be speaking to the nursery as well) so now they think he is a horrible child when in fact he is a sweet, caring and joyful person to be around. When I last took him to a toddler gym some child (coincidently from the same nursery) was there and took the ball off him, he went and got it back and there was no bad behaviour at all from him! I'm not going to take him to his leavers ceremony in July as I don't want to put him in any situation where someone can be negative about him.

He does get his needs met at nursery and has really good relationships with the staff. There was one time he just walked over to another girl and just pulled her hair, I wouldn't dream of him doing that when I take him out.

I'm hoping with school as they set clear boundaries and can actually so 'no that's is unacceptable' he will get on a lot better.

@Everybodywhoopwhoop this must be so hard. I've both worked in a nursery and have a child there. I remember one parent telling me how awful she felt when she was being told about her child's bad behaviour.

One thought, you say it's not always every day, could it be that there is a certain child/ group of children that are triggering the behaviour on certain days? It won't always be the same children each day. My girl is soon to be 4 and nursery have had a new influx of children since January which has completely changed the dynamic. All the children had to find their 'new place' in the order and that caused some upset.

Does your son have a good relationship with his key worker? I'd maybe ask if she could keep a bit of a diary to see if they can see patterns in children, days, time of days etc

The nursery he is at has been running for over 20 years with staff that have been there for that long aswell so they are experienced, my older son went there and he loved it.

I haven't thought about a childminder but would worry he is missing out on that interaction and setting for when he gets to school.

I've asked about time/specific child/triggers and there is no consistency. I will ask to see if they have had new children that my child hasn't met before. It's so strange as he normally loves playing with any child, at one place he was holding hands with another child he has never met before running around. I wonder as he knows he won't get away with bad behaviour with me he doesn't even try and as there are no consequences at nursery he just does it. I don't think it's a general behaviour issue as it's just at nursery it happens.

@Everybodywhoopwhoop Just wondered a few years on how you’re getting on?
this is my son exactly - starts school this September and his behaviour is awful at nursery. Mainly hurting his friends. He’s very bright, caring, funny - but every day I pick him up he’s had a ‘bad day’