Working full time with a baby that doesn’t sleep

[Majestie]

I just need to get my thoughts down somewhere.

I have just returned to work full time from maternity leave having had my first day back last Monday.

I am already at breaking point because my 8 month old sleeps for around four broken hours a night at the moment. He’s been doing this for two weeks. He’s not a great sleeper historically but he was waking 3-4 times a night before and now he’s awake more than he’s asleep.

He won’t have a dummy, Co sleeping doesn’t work because he gets frustrated that we’re laying down and he starts screaming. He’s eating 3 meals a day (some days he eats more than others) and he has one feed in the night.

Today I have been up since 3am with him and he’s just fallen asleep five minutes ago. I have to get up at 5:30 every day to get to work in time which is an hour away, so I’ve had four broken hours and a 3am start.

My partner and I are doing one night on/one night off to try and give each other some respite but it’s not working too well because he’s so loud we both hear him.

I have no choice but to work which makes this even harder. I feel like we are in the pits of hell and it’s not going to get better. I see no joy in life at the moment.

Before the last two weeks he would usually be awake from 2am until 4am (in one constant wake window) and then sleep until 7 am which was ok since I was on maternity leave I would sleep 4-7 with him to top me up.

I am driving an hour each way to and from work and honestly feel like it’s dangerous to do so.

I just feel so desperate and resentful.

So sorry you're going through this. I went back to work when daughter was 10 months old and I'd just split from partner, so did everything by myself. She was and still is an awful sleeper. My only advice is to go to bed really early and also if you have the money hire a sleep consultant, if it affecting you that badly. Can you work from home in your job at all? That might take the pressure off? I'd also explain this all to your boss. Lack of sleep can really have detrimental affect on your mental health.

I went back part time to ease myself back into it, can you assess your finances and see if you or your partner can go part time it helps with the lack of sleep

Otherwise just hold on they do learn to sleep better - if you can both have a night off and sleep in on the weekend it helps

It will get better - although my 19 month old woke 5 times last night, but at least she goes back quickly to sleep

I would recommend split shifts on the night waking.

So for example:

You go to bed 8pm. Partner handles baby and all wakings until 2am. At that point swop over, you handle all wakings from 2am while partner sleeps

If the baby is loud - earplugs. Also try white noise/music on through earphones which you can sleep through and will drown out baby to some extent (for the partner not responding to baby) you can buy ones that are specifically for sleeping with,

What a bloody awful time.

Agree about the sleep consultant and some wfh days.

Is there anywhere/anyone sympathetic who would have you and your dh to stay one at a time to get a complete night? Hardly a long term solution but even one full nights sleep might make things feel less desperate?

I feel for you. In my experience going back to work initially made sleep worse: my baby seemed determined to spend more time with me at night to make up for less time in the day. It was awful for about two months. Then it settled down and was much much better.
Who looks after him when you are working and have they got his naps right (not too long / many and not too few)?
It's a big change for you both so try and give yourself a break when you can: could you take annual leave every Wednesday to break the week up for a while? Could you wfh a few days a week as others suggested? Does your company have a parental leave allowance?

It sounds really tough. I had similar and I stopped driving as it seemed dangerous ( I’m not saying you should and DC rarely slept more than an hour for first year which was why I had to stop ). I was on maternity leave till DC was just over one though. good suggestions upthread. I was looking at ear plugs the other day and saw that Screwfix have a bag of foam ones for a good price and cutting down noise by 37dB seemed to be the most. Can you make up a bed in living room if you don’t have a spare room to take turns at getting away from the noise. Eg blow up mattress proper sheets and duvet?

I got so exhausted it was very hard to have the mental or physical energy to change anything.
I had to do sleep training using a book as the least worst option in the end. My first one slept really well so it just happens that some DC are much harder than others to get into a liveable routine.So I guess I’m just saying that I feel for you and hope you can somehow get more sleep.

I would pay for some sleep training advice. We used Andrea Grace and she was very helpful. We let it go til nearly 13 months and I bitterly regret it as I was on my knees absolutely going insane with lack of sleep.

People with good sleepers (all but 1 of my NCT group) don’t understand the impact of a really poor sleeper.

Who has baby in the day?

Pay for advice if you can on sleep training.

Split shifts rather than a night on/off will mean more blocks of sleep too.

White noise worked well for our two.

Early bedtime, DH takes the first half of the night, so you get a block of sleep each (4 straight hours was my magic turning point where I went from dysfunctional to functional zombie).

And, controversially, get pregnant with number 2. Then dump (nearly) all toddler waking onto DH, and sleep blissfully with the newborn who only wakes every 3 hours for milk, and then goes back to sleep.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Same as you,I work FT but its only me. I realised that the best way to get dd to sleep was to get her to bed late, at times 10 pm so she would be whacked with milk to fill her tummy so she wouldn't wake.
.she slept until 7am.

I also used a white noise and that would knock her out too.

You just need to "sleep train" ie ignore him when he wakes up.

It doesn't take long.

Absolutely do not do this 🤣 We had two under two for a while (22 months age gap) and there were nights when they were literally tag-teaming and zero sleep was had!

This was my life after DD1. It’s really hard and I struggled for a long time. You have my sympathies. I know a load of people will come on and say sleep training but it isn’t always the silver bullet that people think. My DD just struggled with sleep. We sought so much advice and could make it a bit better but ultimately we struggled with sleep deprivation for a long time. With my second I just accepted it, we went with the flow, didn’t stress about ‘bad habits’ and he has slept through the night on and off since 9 months. I think it’s as much personality as anything!

Where is your DC during the day? Is he at nursery? If so that’s a huge change in pace and dynamic so I’d expect mega disruption until your routine settles. I personally wouldn’t sleep train at a point when you’ve introduced full time day time separation. 8 months is so little too.

I think at this stage it’s about coping mechanisms and small
improvements to sleep. What can you do to get to bed early, can you work from home at all? Easy dinners, low expectations. Supplements that boost energy. Exercise even when you don’t feel like it. Spend weekends outside as much as possible. What can you do to help your DC sleep better - small adjustments to routine etc and see how you go.

Hang in there. It’s really tough and 💯 recognise the feeling that life has no joy…it passes.

What about instead of doing one night on/one night off you each take part of the night?

So one of you puts him to bed at say 7/8pm while the other goes to sleep (with ear plugs!) and then that person does the first shift until whatever hour. Then you switch over so that whoever got to sleep from 7/8pm til 2am or whatever takes over from 2am until 6am. You choose the timings based on what works best for your schedules.

That way both of you get a solid block of sleep (again, ear plugs!) every night, and then maybe you do one night on/off during the weekends so that you each get a full night of sleep once a week. This won't last forever, but you do need to just find a way to get as much sleep as possible in the meantime however you have to do it.

Beyond that, what happens if you offer more feeds during the night? Does he sleep better? Only one feed a night may not be enough for an 8 month old and my approach was always to feed them as much as they will take if it means they go back to sleep faster so that we could get back to sleep too.

I got a sleep consultant and sleep trained my then 7 month old. Best decision I could have made. Has slept soundly through the night ever since, bar occasional illness/bad dreams etc.

So sorry you are going through this. Can't really remember what we did as DC 19 Now but I know the lack of sleep nearly broke us .
A sleep consultant might be a good idea.
Luckily I had partner who worked shifts so did the nights mainly when I was working once we had stopped that night feed & she was weaned .
I do remember weaning helped. Also it seem to get worse at every developmental stage. This will pass don't worry it's not going to be your life forever but just for the short time.
I would definitely speak to your boss about either reduce shifts or working from home whilst you're going through this difficult time .