Are big parties with extended family falling out of fashion?

[changergranger]

When I was a child there were often big family gatherings, full of random family members I didn't recognise, telling me how much I'd grown.

All of the extended family were there. All kinds of "aunties" and "cousins" who were actually your aunties half sister's cat's cousin twice removed.

The kids would always play together, running about the dance floor, drinking coke from glass bottles and falling asleep on those pub couches with that very specific kind of fabric.

These events were sometimes weddings and funerals but were also often christenings, communions, big birthdays, anniversaries etc.

I went to a funeral a couple of months ago that was sort of similar and it hit me suddenly that it had probably been about 15 years since I had been to an event like that and I would likely never see a lot of these people ever again.

I feel like as all my grandparents generation passed away it really stopped. It's like they were the glue that held the family together - the root of the extended family, with the rest of us cascading out from there, connected through them.

The next generation - my parents generation - are still sort of close and I know get together but it seems different now. It's much smaller. They never do the "everyone's invited" big events with random relatives and I don't think, as a child, you'd find any great uncles you don't recognise to tell you how tall you'd gotten.

There's been weddings and funerals I've been to, of course, but the fashion seems to be for them to be smaller. In one way they're more intimate (in the sense that there are fewer people there) but also less intimate in the sense that people come in immediate family groups and generally stay together and don't mingle.

Relatives as close as first cousins now often don't invite each other to weddings as they stick to immediate family (as did I) - which means that the "wedding and funerals" relatives are no longer even that. I'm not complaining - as I said, my own wedding was very small as well. I actually think it's better not to spend loads of money feeing relatives you barely know. It's just that it means with that culture change we never ever see each other.

I guess I assumed as I grew up that the big extended family dynamic would stay the same and the younger ones (us) would take over. That's not happened.

I am close with my immediate family and get together with them often - parents, siblings, nieces and nephews. But that's 10 of us playing board games in someone's house or going out for a curry etc. I cannot envision a situation we would book out a room for anything or would have enough people to invite to fill it.

I know people will probably tell me that I could make an effort and organise a big party or say I'm being entitled. I'm not complaining that nobody is throwing big parties and inviting me - I am just reminiscing and feeling a bit sad that my DS will probably never experience that built extended family dynamic that I did.

It's not even like I loved buffet queues and drunk relatives dancing to ABBA as a child - it's just that those memories form such a big part of my childhood and I don't know when it changed.

Would love to hear if anyone has experienced the same or even different? Have things changed in this way since you were a child?

I didn't experience it as a child. My parents were both only children.

My kids experienced it (well, up until Covid anyway).

They hated it. We dragged them along anyway but they still remark how much they hated it.

Yes, I’ve experienced the same thing - I have so many happy memories of big parties, several times a year. It all changed for us after the 2008 credit crash - no more get togethers, all the big party houses were sold, people bankrupted, divorces soon followed. Financially we’re all fine now, but the whole extended family has never recovered, socially.

We have smaller families as a population, we no longer live within 10 miles of everyone we're related to, both parents usually work so weekends are more fully booked up.

They are things of a previous era.

We had one of these a few weeks ago for a big birthday. We have them as regularly as we ever did, we are just coming into the next generation of weddings.

My family is getting smaller but still there was a huge crowd of children knee sliding across the dance floor until they fell asleep. My children, nieces and nephews playing with the children of all my cousins. Even the children of my mums cousins children.

Edited for typo

I have noticed this too. I put it down to people having less free time nowadays (all adults in most households working full time) and less disposable income. Just anecdotal evidence based on my family. Also maybe because we share updates on social media with extended family we don't necessarily feel the need to actually meet them for a family reunion.

It's a shame. The kind of parties you describe are some of my happiest childhood memories.

I think there's a lot more mobility now. My parents always lived in the same area they grew up in, close to family so I remember these events as a child.

I moved for work after University (grew up in a deprived town with a lack of jobs in the area) and ended up 300 miles away from the area I grew up in. I met DH here who also isn't from this area originally and moved for work. I don't think we are unusual, I think many if not most families are now geographically spread out. My brother is in New Zealand.

We have parties like this at Hogmanay and in the summer when we all travel to get together.

I've a big birthday soon and planning a party just like that for it.

A full house is about 30 with ages from 5 to 85 and there will definitely be drunken ABBA dancing.

I agree op. We used to have about 30 for Christmas dinner. Now everyone stays in their nuclear families or two families at most.

I didn't experience it because we didn't live near any relatives. My parents came from different places and we moved round quite a bit because of my Dad's job. I was born in the mid 50s so it's not just a new thing.

I think maybe we still do it as nobody has moved massively far away.
We all still live in various suburbs of the same city. We can all get to each other in less than 30 minutes in the car.

Many people don’t get married or have their children christened now, so that’s a lot of celebrations that just don’t happen anymore. The last christening I was invited to was 18 years ago. Plus families are smaller, I am one of six so 25 to 30 odd years ago we had six weddings over a period of about a decade, including a second marriage for a couple of siblings. DH family kept his great grandparents house for 100 years so we had many huge extended get togethers there but it was sold about 7 years ago. It was a huge house that had a few acres so people would pitch tents as well. That’s pretty unusual though.

Christmas is an odd one for me.
I don't see my aunties, uncles and cousins since my grandparents died but mum hosts myself and my siblings families. Though it is only part of my family there are still 17 around the table.
I miss seeing my cousins on Christmas day but my children see theirs and have the same experience I did.

This is an interesting take. I guess when I feel sad for my DS that he will not automatically have that, I am putting the assumption out there that he would at least somewhat enjoy it and that's not a given!

You know I never would have even thought to link it but that's probably around the time it stopped in our family too.

when I was growing up in a poor area in the 90’s, almost my whole primary school class lived in large terraced Victorian houses, I lived in a 3 story one albeit with holes in the windows!

now the same primary school that’s always in special measures due to the poverty in the area, most of the dc are growing up in tiny flats, no outdoor space so nowhere to have a party and also many people have had to move out of the area as it’s in the SE and are therefore too far from their family now. I’ve moved out because the whole area is a nightmare to live in too, for so rough. As well as the people who come from different countries and are very far from their families :-(

in addition to this, back then we very much all had the stereotypical sahm’s who ran the show, bringing all the food, chatting all night in the kitchen with some wine and clearing up afterwards. My mum and aunts seemed happy to do this and I only have fond memories of standing in the kitchen trying to get wind of any family gossip only to be told to get lost. Women aren’t overly happy to be this person anymore which is fair enough.

Not as many these days but there were about 200 people at my uncle's funeral last year including lots of relatives I hadn't seen for years. Spending time with them reminded me why it's been years 😀

All good points. My grandmother was 1 of 12 children and she and all of her siblings had multiple children but most of the extended family of my age (30s) have either 0 or 1 children so this is definitely a big part of it.

This is lovely! I'm glad this is still alive for your family and remembering the knee sliding across the dance floor does make me smile.

We never really had that as a children (i'm 50, my sister 2 years younger). Mum had one sister, dad had one brother. My cousins on my mum's side were all 20 years older than me - her sister had her children very young and with the age gap we had nothing in common, I was a toddler at my cousin on that side's wedding. My dad's brother lived at the other end of the country, we saw the cousins on that side once a year so again, no relationship.

My family was spread around, we had no relatives living in the same city as us.

Me too. There was just something so comforting about being a part of something so big. I do think that both parents working and everyone being so busy and then also tired is a big part of it.

Yes definitely experienced the same. I’ve put it down to more stressful lives and increased costs as well as increased standards so ppl either do it ‘right/perfectly’ (= increased costs = smaller scale) or don’t do it at all.

Yes I was thinking the same the other day! Nobody has silver anniversary parties or engagement parties anymore and I wouldn't recognise half my cousin's kids if I saw them in the street.

I wonder if it's because families have got larger and more dispersed? Can't help thinking the whole mental health crisis is linked too, lack of traditional community.

I had a similar experience up until the age of about 12 with my dads family and then my Dad remarried and it changed. I've not had big family gatherings since then, we're a tiny family now, never see brother or Dad because they're not very nice people and my mum never visits. Culturally I feel sad as know from traveling that Greek families very much do this, the Chinese pretty much worship their family elders compared to us in this country.

If I invited everyone I know I'm related to to a party, we'd barely fill a large table. And half of them would be people I haven't met more than once in 50 years. I have one parent, one sibling, 1 child. No first cousins, no aunts or uncles. Just a few cousins of my mum's who are all 70+. It would not be a great party.

My Grandparents used to organise these all the time when I was a child, I loved them!

For the past few years DH and I have hosted a summer and winter 'gathering' at our house inviting the aunts/uncles/cousins and offspring etc but it seems to be harder and harder for everyone to come together (we both have huge families) as everyone is so busy.