Relative being taken advantage of financially

[MsSquiz]

This might be messy, but I will try to explain.

Around Xmas I found out that my auntie had been declining in physical and mental health for a while and so stepped in to offer help. She is deaf but can often lip read, her husband is also deaf, struggles to lip read or communicate in written form. Over a short course of time we realised the decline was rapid, loss of memory, aggression and anger towards her husband. She has since been placed as an inpatient on an adult mental health ward at our local hospital. They suspect pre frontal lobe dementia but are yet to see any definitive signs. Awaiting further tests. She doesn't understand why she is in hospital and just wants to go home but we are managing this.

The problem lies with my cousin, her son. He is 41 and is constantly asking her for cash hand outs. She has always been "soft" with him (in her own words) and just hands over whatever he asks for, without question.

My auntie's husband has recently gone back over her bank account to see exactly how much she has given her son, and going back to January 2023 he has had over £20k from her. Ranging from £10 to £150 a time, and some multiple payments a day!

We have tried to talk about this with her, but while she admits she does, she says it's her money and she can do what she likes. (Which is true)

She has been tested for mental capacity when it comes to her finances but has been deemed to have capacity, so nothing can be done.

We feel he has known for a lot longer than he has let on about her decline and has been massively taking advantage of her. He now doesn't speak to anyone in our family, texts her to ask for money but won't visit her. Didn't see her yesterday or send a card, claims he works away but we know he isn't... but she won't have a bad word said about him, ever.

Her husband has removed his money out of their joint account and will now use just his personal one for all household bills, leaving £500 for her in there, which won't last long they way my cousin seems to be spending it!

As a family, we are at a loss. Is there anything we can do? Would the police do anything?

Not if she’s got capacity. If she’s freely giving the money, there’s nothing Thry can do.

He’s acting shabbily, but not illegally.

Contact your local council, Adult Social Care will investigate and start a safeguaridng enquiry if needed. I'm not sure how she has been deemed as having mental capacity if she has dementia and is on a MH ward. She may need re-assessing? Does she have a Lasting Power of Attorney? I would try and get one sorted quickly for her welfare and finances and report her son straight away.

When she was tested for capacity for finances, how did the assessment go?

It's not enough for her just to say she likes giving money to him, can she remember all the payments? Can she remember how much she has in her account, how quickly it will get used up and how much she needs to pay the bills?

Adult social services - financial abuse.

Oh god that’s so sad:(

This is sad x

This is awful. She needs protecting or the funds being limited. He's treating her with contempt by robbing her blind and then not being arsed to even get her a card on mother's day.

She won't allow anyone to take over with an LPA, doesn't think there's anything wrong with her.
We don't have an actual diagnosis yet, she is an inpatient while they diagnose her as there a safe guarding risk for her and her husband (her becoming aggressive and abusive towards him)

She had a financial capacity assessment on Wednesday and according to her social worker who did it, she is fully aware and will admit that she gives him whatever he asks for but doesn't want the family to know. There's a high chance that she has no real clue how much it all adds up to - he'll ask her for money for a tool for work, for example, or for money to buy food. And she'll say she doesn't want him to starve! But I also know he likes a good drink and a takeaway... I have even seen messages from him to her saying don't send money from the joint account as husband will complain!

The money she gets into her account is her PIP (previously DLA) and her pension. She goes no where to spend any money and has about £20 left her account and this £500 in the joint account.

The social workers involved are aware of what he is doing, but don't seem to be able to do anything

I even tried to trick him, so I offered to pay for his taxi there and back to go visit her and he conveniently couldn't go because he was working. This is the same person who couldn't get a job locally so went elsewhere in the country to work, came home because family made him and then magically got a job where he worked 50 hours straight (illegal and utter bullshit because he's a joiner!)

And I feel awful because the responsibility is falling to me and he's just getting handouts

Just a little shameless bump

Bump

If she has capacity there is nothing the SW or you can do. It’s her money and her choice.

Your Uncle removes all the mmoney from the joint acxount and ensures all pension etc is put into his account.
If there is no money available she can't give her leech of a son any.

It's sad and she is possibly being exploited but if she had capacity and wants to give her the son her money then there is little that can be done.
I've dealt with many cases like this and worse over the years and it's so frustrating and so obvious to those of us outside looking in.
I'd agree with pp that her husband needs to get a grip of their joint finances and protect those.

It's just her pension and PIP that goes into her account.
He has removed all of his money from the joint account and arranged for all outgoings to be moved to his account.

It just makes me so angry! She can't even remember what she ate at lunch but apparently has capacity in regard to her money!

I do not think a SW should be making an assessment of her mental capacity. This is the job of a psychologist or a doctor. I was a SW with elderly people and would not have taken on this task, as I recognise that there can be some subtle distinctions at play that require the input of specialists.

If she is in a psychiatric hospital and being assessed for dementia, I would ask the medics to specifically address her capacity.

Could uncle pay the bills from her account ? This less for the sponge to take ? He could put an amount in an account that needs both signatures to use ? He must be fuming to see his beloved wife being used in this way ! Also it’s doing the sponge no good at all, because likely dad will lose patience and dis inherited.

@Mischance I was present at a meeting where the social worker said they had done the capacity assessment and the doctor requested she do another one. It wasn't mentioned by anyone (dr, psychiatrist or social worker) that anyone else should do it.

@Popetthetreehugger I don't think he'd want to risk my auntie getting there first and sending it straight to my cousin... then he'd be totally out of pocket.
Cousin is auntie's husband's step son, so I guess he's spending his inheritance but luckily he won't be entitled to any of the husband's money.
Her husband has even gone round to ask for money to be paid back that was paid out of their joint account to him and was told to "fuck off"

Everyone involved (auntie's family and friends, husband's son who is helping his dad communicate with everyone) is in agreement that we don't update or keep cousin informed on how she is doing. So he has no idea of how she really is

If/when she's deemed to not have capacity he could apply to DWP to be an appointee & get her pension/PIP paid into his account.

I was able to do this when my Mum lost capacity.

I’m pretty sure a doctor has to do a mental capacity check, please do find out. How can a social worker poss be qualified? Her husband could go on the account, I’m going to go on my mum’s account to avoid having to pay for stuff for her then get paid back, it seems silly.

Edit: I see it’s not your uncle’s son.

She has a son, is declining and wants to make sure she will give him something. She might be well aware that her money will be taken anyway away one way or the other. Not sure do I dislike her or admire her. She has a husband and a son. Not sure what is your business here, to be honest. Such things are weird. You are really no one to her

@TheFancyPoet you have no idea of how close me and my auntie are so please do not try to insult me because I am concerned that her son is exploiting her ill health.

She has a husband who is profoundly deaf, struggles to communicate unless using BSL and he is watching his wife's health decline and her son continuously makes financial requests of her and later to her.

And even if we weren't close, I am still allowed to care about her and be concerned about her welfare. She doesn't understand that she is declining, she thinks she is hospital for attacking her husband.

And before your next post of shit appears, I also do not want or need her money, so that is not my intention either.

@Cherrysoup she has been for an mri today and also had a mental health social worker for the deaf there who has said the assessments and tests that she has had are incorrect, as they are for hearing people, not those who are deaf (profoundly or partially) so she is going to arrange for the correct assessments to be carried out.