How to fill an empty life

[Anonymouslyposting]

Ok, empty is quite a strong term! I have two kids (1 and 3), a job four days a week that I like and a husband. But there’s nothing in my life that I really enjoy, there are good moments with the kids but I’m not one that gets all of life’s joy through motherhood. I have no friends - colleagues I get on with, mum-friends and old friends that I see every now and again but no one close.

I need something that will fill up my joy meter a bit. I spent any moment of free time I get scrolling or playing iPad games which is addictive but doesn’t provide any real happiness.

So I guess my question is this - what activities and habits should I be trying to make me feel less empty and bored?

Things that I have tried:

Music
Sports

I now have started badly learning piano. I get joy from being able to play pieces.

I also do outdoor swimming. Not for everyone but I can't walk well so it suits me.

Try new things. Join some new sports clubs - not all at once, but just try them out until you find one that suits you.

May not be suitable because of the age of your DC but getting a dog is one of the best things that I’ve ever done. Being forced to go and take her out for lovely walks at beaches, forests etc even if I don’t feel like it has made such a big difference to my mental health. Naturally you also get speaking to other dog owners, it’s great for building a sense of community if you’re feeling a bit lost

Join a gym? Do some classes? Yoga or Pilates?

it might be a nice thing you can do a couple of times a week during the evenings.

I need something that will fill up my joy meter a bit. I spent any moment of free time I get scrolling or playing iPad games which is addictive but doesn’t provide any real happiness.

This is your problem. We need real life connections, time outside in nature, exercise and mental stimulation to feel more fulfilled.
Time to switch your online activities to real life activities....

Since last August l have tried something new each month, l think just having plans gives me a bit of joy, just something to look forward to. So far l have done open swimming, fencing and been in a float tank, these are my top three later on in the month l am having a massage of sorts to align me , l can’t actually think of the right name or see my ticket to tell you what it is called. L also joined a book club to be more sociable.

l think just time to yourself is invaluable to your joy.

It's different for everyone. I would think back to things you used to enjoy when you did not feel like your life was empty of joy.

Singing in a choir is beneficial to you physical and MH. Find a non audition community choir, if you can. Best thing I ever did after moving to a new area.
Also how about a book group? Ours meets once a month in a pub where we have a meal.

We don't know what you like (or what time and money you have). Presumably you know what you like or even what you used to like. Agree with PP that real life activities are more satisfying than virtual.

I like theatre - an excellent performance has me buzzing. I rarely go on my bike (which I need to change, obvs) and that can give me a real carefree joy. I get deep satisfaction from family history research when I work out a tricky bit.

Reading, hillwalking, learning a language (or indeed learning anything I find deeply enjoyable — see what classes are available locally?), being outdoors, meditation, singing ( took lessons in traditional singing), walking by the sea. Other things I enjoy are drystone walling, yoga, art galleries, travelling, folklore, opera. Am in a local historical and archaeological society that does really interesting events.

Just wanted to say I am in exactly the same situation. It feels intimidating to even start something. But you’re not alone.

Thank you for the ideas. I really think that the getting outdoors ones are a great idea, I always feel better for some fresh air and I’ll have a look into book groups. I’d love a dog but sadly with the kids I don’t have time to devote to it, hopefully when they are older.

To answer some questions, I am time poor but have some money to throw at the problem if needed. Weekday nights are tricky until after the kids are in bed so I guess I’m looking for something I can do at the weekend and in the short times between other things.

I’m not a very outgoing person and find meeting new people a bit overwhelming but I think the time has come to push myself.

Its really hard to answer that question for someone else. Are you just looking for suggestions?
For me, I get joy from my pets. I spend every free second training my dog and cuddling my cats.
Or sports.

Yep, just suggestions for what works for other people. Obviously not everything will be right for me but part of the problem I’m having is that I just don’t know what I like anymore.

I worked ridiculous hours in my twenties so basically didn’t do anything else other than occasional meals out and nice holidays. Then lockdown hit while I was pregnant with my first and since then I’ve been absorbed in the kids. So with one thing and another it’s been around ten years since I’ve actively tried to do anything just for my own enjoyment on a regular basis - and I’ve lost all sense of what I might actually like!

I think there are two approaches, and it might be worth doing some of both.

Firstly, trying to find new things to do - there have been many good suggestions above.

Secondly trying to actively put more joy into what you already do. An example of this is instead of just watching a film mindlessly, you make the effort to choose one, look forward to it, make the room comfortable, prepare nice food, and afterwards think about how enjoyable it was.

It is common to look for more things but sometimes what is lacking is deep connection.

Definitely getting outside. I drive to somewhere with lovely scenery to go for a run and always feel better after it. We also do this and take the dogs, but our kids were older before we got dogs.

I always make sure we have things to look forward to by booking things like the theatre and concerts well ahead which helps too. Even pick a film on Netflix and commit to watching it with your partner on Friday night with some nice snacks. Otherwise evenings just disappear on mumsnet or playing candy crush. 😬

Try a new hobby to meet people. I joined a sports club which I love but I’ve tried various things in the past.

Duolingo. I've been doing it for 6+ months now and I'm surprised how much I've picked up. I'm looking into taking some classes in person next.

If you set up a classroom (literally just set one up and never visit it again) it removes all the ads for free.

I foster cats for a local shelter, go to an Italian class once a week, go to the gym 3 mornings a week before work & joined my local feminist group. All of those are fun, give me a sense of achievement in different ways & have led to new friendships.

Following with interest as I feel exactly the same about my life at the moment.

What did you do before you had kids that gave you joy?

Work from there.

I could be off the mark here but your kids are very young still and you are working almost full time. I wonder if you are a bit burnt out? Hence the empty feeling?

a different focus might be to just focus on yourself when you can - having a day off/ resting / doing something self care’y if you like things like that.

things will get easier as your kids get older and you have more time and energy.

I decided to learn what the shipping forecast was actually talking about once. Didn't take long absolutely useless but I wanted to know.

If you like scents you could buy a collection of essential oils and a burner and mix and match personalised scents.

Did you draw at school? Small sketch book draw cartoons easy to pick up put down?

Revamp clothes?

Read all the greek myth stories? Plan a holiday to the islands Zeus lived?

Learn magic tricks

Learn to juggle

What did you do before you had kids that gave you joy?
Work from there

^This. You might find that you have outgrown some things or others are just not practical with very young children.