Toddler acting like he hates me

[bluerosesx4]

2.5 year old DS has always shown a preference towards DP despite him working away during the week but at the minute it's to the extreme. I will just about do when there's only me and him but when DP is around he doesn't want me anywhere near him, doesn't want me to play with him, read with him and even pushes me out the room at times. Wants dad to do everything. Said he didn't want me coming away on holiday tomorrow and just him and dad go. I work 4 days a week so it's like like I'm around him constantly and he's sick of the sight of me, some days I only see him for an hour or 2.

He goes to nursery 2 days a week and also to my parents twice a week. When I pick him up from nursery it's usually the only time he's happy to see me but even last week he said he wanted to stay at nursery and not see me. Whenever I pick him up from my parents he doesn't acknowledge me at all and always cries to stay with his nana when we leave. God knows what people think. Each day lately on a morning he's said he doesn't want to see me. I usually just say that's a shame because mum loves to see you. It's really hurtful and I'm trying my best to not let him know it bothers me at all but I'm feeling pretty disconnected at the minute and like a terrible parent. He's never shown a preference towards me so doesn't seem like a phase. I just worry we're never going to have a good bond and just looking to see if anyone has any advice. Please be gentle as I'm really feeling pretty low about this!

Don't panic, this is perfectly normal behaviour at this age. He doesn't know the impact of what he's saying and doing. A preference for everyone except the main caregiver is a stage most toddlers go through. Just roll with it and keep doing what you are doing because I can assure you, you're doing a great job.

What kind of activities do you do together, @bluerosesx4? Lots of toddlers do go through this, but I appreciate you feel there might be a bonding issue and have mentioned you currently feel disconnected.

Swimming can be really good for one to one focus with a parent that has skin to skin contact for older children. It helps with oxytocin.

Keep going, I’m sure you’ll get there and it must be so tough not having that positive response back, but I do think actively looking at making your time together supportive of bonding could also be helpful.

So each Friday on my day off I always make sure I have planned a day purely focused on him. For example this week I took on the train to a pre-school event at a local museum, other things we do are role play cafes, visit library for books and sometimes do the song/dance class, we have a great local park with lots of wildlife so often have a long walk around there and have lunch in the cafe, soft plays, trampolining toddler sessions, playgroups. Weekends we usually do family things such as visit national trust sites, farm parks, zoos, bowling, fairground/amusements, museums etc. We do sometimes have quiet days when it seems like he needs it.

And swimming of course, we usually do that together as a family every few weeks.

I think you need to spend more time with him.
He's at grandparents and nursery.
Have another child. Then he's definitely want to you himself!

How do I do that? I already wish I could I be there more but I can't quit my job, I have to go to work to pay the bills and as we all know everything is increasing therefore I can't lower my hours. I try make up for it on my day off/week days by always having fun activities planned.

Sympathy and solidarity to you op. My toddler is the same. Won’t let me do anything for her when her dad is around. Even when I pick her up from nursery she asks where he is straight away. I find it heart breaking.

its been going on for months.

I have read quite a few threads on mumsnet about it and it seems it is quite normal so I just try and battle through and make a joke. Most people say it doesn’t last long but One poster said her daughter’s preference lasted until she was 10. Really hope that isn’t the case for me.

I don’t think there is much we can do.

Sorry to hear this, it must be very difficult!

I work full time and my daughter isn't like this with me, so I wouldn't agree you need to spend more time with him. It sounds like you're doing a great job and it's just a phase as heartbreaking as it is.

I agree with others that it's a phase that he will grow out of but it might be worth exploring the idea of love languages? All the active things are doing to show your love for him might not be how he needs loving. E.g. he might like tickles and wrestling and not be at all bothered by one to one time. Google love languages and you will see what I mean.

That sounds fab, you’re doing all the right things. I’d say maybe make swimming a weekly thing to optimise that oxytocin skin to skin time for bonding.

In all honesty though, lots of toddlers go through this phase with one or other parent. Often, unless something happens like the child becoming very unwell, it’s hard for a parent to realise that they do love and want you. Keep persevering - even though it’s tough - be kind to yourself and remind yourself these phases do pass.

I think the love languages comment is interesting but I’d be wary of putting someone (either you or them) too much in a box. However, looking at it and looking at just what he responds to best could help. Maybe he needs routine and you get flack when he’s experiencing new things. Maybe you’re verbal and tend to explain things, but he responds better to getting his hands stuck in. Maybe it’s always up to you to discipline and that needs evening out.

It may not change the phase, but working out how he responds and sees the world and adjusting to suit him can only every be helpful. (I’m sure you’ve got a very good idea already, but I always feel as a mum I’m always learning more about my children.)