TW twin baby loss

[TurtleMoon]

I've been told that a colleague who was expecting twins has sadly lost one of the babies. She is still pregnant and as the pregnancy had progressed beyond 24 weeks when the baby died there will be a funeral. Can anyone tell me a bit about what is likely to happen now? And, more importantly, comments/ gestures/ questions that helped? I am terrified of saying the wrong thing. I will of course acknowledge her loss when I see her. How can I celebrate the arrival of the surviving baby whilst also acknowledging that its sibling didn't make it when the babies are born? I don't want to ignore the deceased twin!

I don't have a surviving twin as I lost both of mine but I know people who do. From this point the pregnancy will continue and she will need to deliver both babies. Depending on circumstances the surviving twin might still be at risk. She might be induced/have c section earlier.
The baby who died will be registered as stillborn with a stillbirth certificate. She may well choose to see and hold the baby that died. How long between death and delivery will affect their conditon but lots of mothers still choose to spend time with both babies after birth. But the baby may not be in the best condition if it is some time between. She will hopefully have a bereavement midwife to support her.

In terms of acknowledging both twins - mention the baby who died by name. Tell them you won't forget that their babies were twins and that she is a twin mum. Don't say things like 'focus on the one you have now', 'twins would have been hard work', 'be glad you have one', 'you will have another baby' etc etc. It's OK to say you don't know what to say. That's better than not saying anything at all. Ask some normal questions about the baby - what did you call them, why did you choose that name, did they have a lot of hair etc. And if offering help them give them a firm 'I'll drop a meal off tomorrow' plan rather than saying 'just let me know if you need anything' because in all likelihood she won't know how to ask. In a congratulations cards write both babies names, and gifts that acknowledge both babies might be nice - eg. A springtime babygrow with tulips on for surviving twin, and some tulip bulbs to plant in memory of their lost twin.

Organisations that offer twin specific loss support are Twins Trust Bereavement Service, and Footprints Baby Loss Twin & Triplet Support

Midwife here, who has cared for women in this exact situation.

This is a very difficult situation for you, as a colleague who cares about her but not a close friend or family member.

Every woman is different, and grief is lived through differently. I would recommend you to ask about the lost twin's name and refer to him/her by name, if they gave them one. Please do not avoid your colleague. While she is still pregnant, it is appropriate to focus on supporting her through her grief, as when the remaining twin is born it will be all about celebrating their life. The first time you see her follow her lead and say something like "I am so sorry for the loss of your baby, I am here if you want to talk", and leave her, she may not be ready to talk or too overwhelmed to share at the time, and it's ok. You can write her a card and give it to her privately to read in her own time, and it's ok to say you don't know what to say or how to act, but that you are keen to be of help in any way possible. Don't be uncomfortable if you see her cry, crying is healthy and normal; a hand on her arm/shoulder or a hug if she is a physical person (not everyone is, and that is also ok) can help, again follow her lead and body signs. Also don't hide your own sorrow for her, she will appreciate that others also grieve for her baby.

You sound like a very caring colleague ❤

The card with both names and acknowledgment of the twin who died in the presents are such amazing ideas!

@Wrongsideofpennines I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank you for your responses. I am so sorry for those who have first-hand experience of baby loss.

I decided to write a card, so my colleague can read it when she feels up to it. I spoke to her today, which was good, if heartbreaking. I am really struggling with other colleagues' attitudes though. Our line manager thinks we shouldn't do anything to mark our colleague going on maternity leave and give gifts when the baby (LM referred to one baby😭) is born and well. Another colleague doesn't know what to say so hasn't spoken to pregnant colleague and a third said that pregnant colleague probably wants to be left alone and they don't want to intrude. I am starting to wonder if I'm doing it wrong, what with acknowledging what is happening and speaking to my colleague. I know this isn't about me, but I'm slightly gobsmacked at how this is being handled by people I thought I knew quite well 😥

I lost a twin albeit earlier in pregnancy.

it was almost impossible to say the right thing, so there was little ‘wrong’ to be said. I don’t remember people being too solemn about the loss or too cheerful about the baby to be. I wanted both really.

ignoring the circumstance would be the worst thing to do.

depends on how close you are to your colleague - but a text and offer to go round and have a coffee, and maybe a plant for the garden.

my favourite item from then was a handmade crochet teddy, with a miniature version. I kept the little teddy with me and the bigger teddy went in the baby’s crib.

@TurtleMoon Thank you for speaking to your colleague and giving her a card. She will remember your kindness. Unfortunately some of my colleagues took the approach of the rest of your team and as a result our relationships are irreparably damaged.

Please encourage others to talk to her and to continue to give gifts as planned. Perhaps your manager would benefit from attending the training that Sands offer. There is a short animated video on this page that it might help your whole team to watch. https://training.sands.org.uk/bereavement-in-the-workplace/

@Wrongsideofpennines thank you for reassuring me that I'm not doing it wrong! I am trying to do what I think is the right thing. I have known her for a long time so I'd like to think I am capable of being supportive by being there for her and talking, rather than by leaving her alone!

I've persuaded LM that we do need to mark our colleague going on maternity in some way, so that's a win! I had a work-related conversation with my pregnant colleague today but used the opportunity to tell her that she is still very welcome to join us in the canteen at lunch and we can talk about whatever. She's not responsible for other people feeling uncomfortable because of the horrendous situation she finds herself in!

That animation really got me 😭

Update: the babies were born last week. The surviving twin is dinky but looks to be breathing independently. The deceased twin will have a funeral in the next few weeks. Thanks for your advice everyone!