Line manager forced me to give embarrassing details as to why I was off sick

[vipersnest1]

What do you think?
I have a rectocele and work with young people.
Last week I had an extended episode of vaginal flatulence. Whilst that wouldn't have been obvious to the young people, they heard it and probably assumed I was passing wind. This had never happened before.
It really threw me and I didn't feel comfortable or confident to continue working (as I had no idea it was going to happen, had no control and didn't want to end up a laughing stock and lose all dignity), so I took time off, spent the next morning phoning around and then took myself for a private pessary fitting (I've never been offered one by NHS professionals).
I returned to work the day after the fitting.
I had already emailed to give vague details of an embarrassing symptom caused by my prolapse - my line manager already knew that I have a prolapse as I've had appointments and tests.
During the return to work interview the line manager ended up pressing me for details. I immediately got flustered and upset and really didn't want to say it out loud (yes, I'm an adult but it's not a thing that is freely discussed), so I ended up showing her an email I sent to my consultant's secretary. She commented 'oh dear' and said no more.
This was a while ago, but I'm still mulling over whether or not this was very insensitive or entirely reasonable?

Absolutely inappropriate in my opinion.

God that's awful. Take it higher. Totally unacceptable.

Are you a teacher? At our school we are expected to give graphic details and appointment cards for everything. My midwife couldn’t believe that I needed a physical appointment card for a midwife appointment at 36 weeks pregnant (email or text message not enough). She had to scrabble about and in the end had to write it on a bit of paper and find a vague stamp 🤯

I would have just said it was a gynae issue.

Same. Completely inappropriate of her

Do you mean you’d emailed your work to give vague details about the symptom, but your line manager needed more specific information? Unfortunately I don’t think being embarrassed would have been an adequate reason to be away for some of my previous workplaces. I know it varies hugely from company to company and workplace to workplace though. A friend of mine was very surprised that I had to ask permission to attend a medical appointment during work hours. I was surprised that she was allowed to just go without telling anyone.

@Fluffyowl00, you've got it in one. I have to produce appointment letters etc for any time off.
@marmiteoneverything, don't you think that given the circumstances my initial email should have been enough? We are not allowed to take time off for 'routine' appointments - even if we say we are prepared to take the time unpaid they can still be refused. And to add, it wasn't only embarrassment, but also the risk that I would lose all credibility in my role, meaning that classroom discipline could have gone down the toilet. That's not something I was prepared to risk - I'm not sure you would have in the same situation either.

No advice but just wanted to empathise. Well done for pushing through
Hold your head high - it’s a medical condition, you took action ( best you could) and you also shared the requested information ( weather it was fair to be pressed for that much detail).
I think it was insensitive and unfortunately until you are in that boat - some people just don’t get it - not out of malice but rather blind ignorance

I'd have said gynaecological issues too. But I get how you were caught on the hop.

I was a teacher too, and the fuss over appointments was maddening. My head expected us to phone the hospital and get much waited for appointments moved to the school holidays. So we just pretended we had and they'd been unable to help..

But even my head wouldn't have pressed me if I'd looked her in the eye and said "it's gynaecological".

I'm wondering if I should ask to speak to the LT for wellbeing and let her know. I would have preferred to speak to her and give her the details as I am more comfortable talking to her.

Incredibly inappropriate

Of course that's not appropriate! No way should you have to give your line manager intimate medical details. That's what occupational health is for if needed.

I'm sorry that you went through that.

@vipersnest1 I didn’t say I didn’t think it was enough, did I? I said that in my some of my precious workplaces (also schools, incidentally) then it might not have been enough so yes, you would have needed to go into more detail. I also don’t know exactly what information you chose to include in your email, which is why I asked you for clarification. I’m genuinely sorry if I’ve upset you, but you did ask what people thought so I was giving an honest opinion.

Also, when you said you worked with young people I thought you meant in a department full of teens/people in their early twenties who might not be very sympathetic to your issue. I didn’t realise that you meant you were a teacher.

My work is the same. Total nightmare. There is no way I would tell them any personal details. I only did the doctors note once but found it really weird and intrusive so I don’t do it now. I hardly ever take time off but if I need to I say it is for something common, boring and doesn’t require a doctors visit (a temperature or something), so no note needed or questions asked.

I would be complaining to HR about this one for sure. It’s none of her business.

No worries, @marmiteoneverything - I was a bit tetchy as this is very emotive for me.
It made me very depressed for a few days until the fitting. Even so, this has been the last straw for me in a long fight to get treatment and I don't think I could stand anything else going wrong - my case is complex due to previous surgery and even a very experienced surgeon needs to discuss it with colleagues as he's not sure what approach to take.

I once had been supposed to attend court (part of my work) and could not. The (male) judge was told (privately) that it was for medical reasons. Apparently he then demanded, in open court, to be told then and there exactly what the problem was. He was told (as was the entire court including the client and some of my junior colleagues) that I had had a miscarriage that morning and was in theatre having an ERPC. I believe he didn't say anything more after that. I was glad never to be in front of that same judge again, because I was very annoyed with him.

OP I would absolutely put in a formal complaint in your situation.

I had this a few years back where. My Male line manager made me send details of my gynae operation rather than just showing the appointment letter. I felt really humiliated. Wish I'd have spoken up but I was in my early 20s

I can absolutely understand why you needed to be away from work until you had the fitting, and it’s awful that you had to pay to have it done privately.

I really hope it helps, and I hope you’ve had a lovely day today 💐

@marmiteoneverything, the wait for an appointment here on the NHS is minimum ten weeks. Luckily it wasn't extortionate as less than a year ago I shelled out for mammogram and ultrasound for breast pain - I couldn't have waited at least eight weeks to be seen.