How to sift out dates who only want me for my looks

[SquishyElbows]

I'm newly divorced and would like to date again. There's no area in my life that I meet new people regularly so online dating it is. I can't talk about this in real life and I'm sure I'll get some back lash for saying this but I have a conventionally pretty face and look young for my age and I feel like the way dating sites are set up it just lends itself to people just going for looks.

Obviously I want to avoid men that only value me for my looks so how do I go about this...

A) take an unflattering or maybe just slightly blurry pic of myself

B) put up with knowing that I'll attract a lot of men who are just shallow

C) something else?

Yep that's what I intend to. Defo no duck face.

That's sort of my point. Looks only go so far. I feel like I have trusted men based on them being in love with me from early on when in reality what they felt for me was very shallow and just based on looks and that won't sustain a relationship. They didn't like me for me but by that time I guess I was quite attached.

Yes brilliant rule. I'll use that. Thank you.

I would agree. Unless your into a sport or activity and narrow it down that way.

That's really helpful. Thank you

I'll try to scare the shallow ones off with some of my deep thoughts, bizarre & niche interests in my bio. 😄

Sigh!

I don't think I want the first date to be a meal where I feel obliged to dress up. A walk and a coffee seems way more appropriate.

I’d put up a really nice photo, don’t sell yourself short just in case people are after you for solely your looks. I would only want to date very good looking men. If that means I miss out on an ugly man with a wonderful personality then so be it.

Do that! when I matched with now DH online he was genuinely intrigued by one of my niche hobbies I’d mentioned and it was so nice to talk about that rather than generic small talk!

Honestly I think so much of successful dating just as much about putting the wrong people off as it is about attracting people in the first place. What’s the point having a boyfriend who just wants to look at you but thinks your interest in Babylonian technology/the hurdy gurdy/breeding pythons/caving is pointless and boring? That guy needs to fuck off IMO and the sooner he does that (ideally before you’ve met him) the better.

Also I noticed you talked about men being very into you very quickly. It’s a hard habit to learn for most of us but try to stop and think - but do I really like him?? It’s not a job interview where he’s the interviewer. You’re deciding about each other.

@Moveoverdarlin I'd rather personality than looks.

@WitcheryDivine yeah I think I've been guilty of being attracted to their attraction of me. And them not really distinguishing their attraction of my looks to my personality and everything else.

So I definitely need to ask myself do I really like him. Are we compatible. Do you we have enough shared interests. I'm very scared of getting swept up in the lovey stage at the beginning as it's just not a reflection of the rest of the relationship.

@Dotty2dot
I'm actually really am lol here.🤣🤣🤣 but I've got a bad chest infection and nearly coughed my guts up.
🤣🤣🤣

@SquishyElbows

Rather than focus on photos giving the wrong impression of you in the way certain men percieve acctractive women,

Why don't you just focus on finding out about what kind of character they have got ,
the hobbies and interests,
family dynamics

Use your intuition as a guide on how they make you feel in general and how they answer certain questions,
the emphasis on certain things or not,

In a way dating is like the dating equivalent of job interview

you are testing the water's finding out if they are worthwhile for a second date,

Are you a woman? Do you not care about how a potential partner looks?

I don’t think “being visual” is exclusive to men. Women use their eyes too.

Sorted. 🤣

They can properly crack out the love bombing on you, can't they?

It's awful when they turn on you like you've disappointed them for not having the Barbie personality they imagined. So frustrating and upsetting.

😂😂😂

I met my DP through OLD and though I was very attractive to his photos initially, it was his witty initial message about something in my bio and ability to maintain a bit of a joke with me when I replied, that sparked my interest. This led to about 2 months of messaging before we met for a cafe lunch date. Yes, I was absolutely attracted to his looks initially but it was the personality and conversation that kept me interested. I think previous posters who advise to gauge them on their conversations to be very sensible! Good luck OP, it is very daunting and I had low expectations with OLD but it worked out perfectly for me.

Op dont the algorithms read your photo and match you : link you with men they think are for you based on how attractive the algorithm deems you to be? Young work friends both OLD…the very pretty blonde who rides horses matched with neurosurgeon. The attractive but not as pretty brunette who is a lacrosse player matched with Amazon delivery driver. Post a picture of your normal groomed self and screen carefully and take your time.

Agree just a normal pic.
I used to look at women’s profiles to see what they were like. And it was a mixture. Done normal everyday others glam.

Aldo didn’t meet after just a few messages. Some men would say let’s not message too much as we will run out of things to say on a date!! They were an instant no.

I get on with most people and some of the dates mistook this as a spark. I was very choosy partly because I was wary.

My tips... don’t take it seriously.
Try to enjoy the process and do not invest.

@Lavenderandbrown I don't think algorithms can sift out the shallow ones. Or the ones that will only value me shallowly.

I think that's a good idea! Line up lots of quick coffees, don't make a big effort with outfits etc. For one thing you'll be able to be really choosy about who you see a second time- you don't want to spend hours getting ready for each coffee!

When I was online dating some time ago, I put up photos of myself just before a night out glammed up in a dress and I got a lot of attention. I know I did not look like that on a normal day and realised I was setting myself up! When I put up a couple of normal everyday photos I didn’t get many responses but it was more realistic!

@Waittobeconnected exactly. I'd rather go on a date dressed like I am for the school run.

@napody yeah investing time into my makeup and outfit will just create a weird dynamic from date 1.

It's just making me think how it would be so much nicer to make a relationship out of a long standing friend. I don't have that opportunity though.

You'll still look pretty in casual clothes just more approachable.

If you get anyone who hasn't read your bio/interests bit just ignore them.