Can any teachers/TA's (reception) give me advice on DS5?

[Fillyfrog]

My little boy is 5 and started reception in September. He's generally a lovely little boy, sociable (although he prefers to play with one or two instead of big groups) quite chilled out, great speech etc. For the past 3 weeks his behaviour has been pretty bad on school days, he's very whingey, quick to tears, refusing to get dressed, never really seems happy, rude, demanding, just not himself really, it makes me really sad and I want to sort it. He's started saying on the way to school that he's scared of school and when I ask why he says he's scared of the teachers.

I've spoke to the teacher previously, I've told her how I don't feel he's very confident and won't ask for his needs, for example he will tell me that somebody scratched him, but he won't tell the teacher. He'll say things like he couldn't find his lunch bag, but he won't ask the teacher to help him find it. He'd rather go home from school without it than ask! Of I forget a spoon for his Yoghurt he won't ask. The teachers seem lovely so I don't know how to sort this.

When speaking to the teacher she says he's absolutely fine in class, joins in, she doesn't think.he has any problems. He goes in quite happily once he's there at school.

Sorry this is very long so can anybody give me advice of how to handle this and what I could do to help him?

Thanks 😊

Could he have been given into trouble or watched someone else been given a telling off and it’s frightened him?

When he says he’s scared of the teachers what do you say? Will he give any more info about it?

When he tells me he's scared of the teachers I always say theres nothing to be scared of, they're nice and there to help you and look after you. I tell him they're mummy's as well (I know both the teacher and one of the TA's have young children) so they know how to look after you.

When I ask him to elaborate why he's scared of the teachers, he doesn't say anything, he just repeats he's scared. I've asked them whether they shout sometimes but he says no 😳

I'm not sure whether to broach it with the teacher again because I'm not sure what she can actually do, she says he's fine. But I'm worried about him!

I always say theres nothing to be scared of, they're nice and there to help you and look after you. I tell him they're mummy's as well (I know both the teacher and one of the TA's have young children) so they know how to look after you.

Problem is that this is not always true. I was a TA for seven years, and saw some teachers and TAs behave in a shaming or unkind way towards pupils. That includes those with their own children. One reception teacher used to shout at the kids which did terrify some of them. She was nice as pie to her own child (who was in an older class).

So don't tell him there is nothing to be scared of when he is telling you that he is scared. The first thing to do is accept what he is telling you, otherwise he won't be able to open up to you any further.

Also, small things that we would be able put in context and not worry about too much can have a much bigger impact on children as they don't have the life experience to give context and perspective. Nevertheless it is still significant to him.

Have you spoken to the TA as well? And other parents?

Keep listening to him, don't dismiss his concerns (he is scared right now) and hopefully he will be able to explain more fully to you.

As a teacher myself, I will say I’ve sat in classes and seen teachers shout, I’ve seen them lost patience and it’s so easily done. Even just shouting to quieten a class can upset and scare children. He may be happy and settled in class when he’s with his friends but he may be nervous around the teacher .

Next time he says he’s scared ask what’s caused him to be scared. Gently ask if something has changed in the class to see what he says.

Is it possible that itnis lunchtjme supervisors that he's scared of? E..g with reference to the yogurt? It wouldn't be the teachers dealing with that. It can get manic at lunctime

If he prefers calmer environments I wonder if it's lunch times and play times (if they go in the playground with other year groups) that are unsettling him? Dinner halls can be quite noisy environments and dinner ladies can be a bit shouty in some schools. And in busy playgrounds teachers do often raise their voices to shout across at a child who might be doing something unkind/dangerous.

I wonder if he is just giving the simplest answer because he is feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes life gets too much and children go through irrational emotional phases, much as us adults do. Sometimes we don't know what's wrong with us and I think its the same for children. Maybe saying he is scared is something easy to say and gives him what he is craving, reassurance, hugs etc. It's just something to think about. Its strange that he can't be specific about what scares him. All that said, I think you must listen to him and acknowledge it.

Thank you so much for the replies they've definitely given me something to think about. Especially the poster saying maybe he feels overwhelmed by the busy classroom and is just giving a simple answer that he's scared of the teachers.

When I picked him on Friday he skipped home and was in such a good mood. I said to DH that's the first time I've seen him cheerful for ages and I feel like it's because he didn't have school to bother about for two days 😔

So what's my plan going forward?! I don't know what to do...

He will get more capable and confident as he gets older. There is quite a big difference between what's expected of them at school and how things are at home. They have to be so independent I think it would blow the minds of some of the parents if they could see what their dc can do at school.

I think all you can do is talk about school in a positive way, keep talking to him about what he has been doing and how he if feeling. Build up his independence by getting him to do more for himself at home and so what you can from your end to make things easier for him at school. Like properly labelling his jumper so he doesn't have to search through the pile of faded sharpie named lost property and resisting that blue sistema bottle that ten other children have so he can find his,

Having been a reception teacher and ta, I would say that most children go through a tricky patch at some point in the year, when it all becomes a bit much for them and they realise this is their life for the foreseeable future. Some it comes early in the year, and some it comes later. You might find that he just passes through it and comes out fine. If that's at all reassuring. Do keep talking to him though - I've had children in the past take things I've said in a completely different t way to what I thought I was saying and get worked up abojt it, so could also be something like that. Another possibility is that something has changed at school but he can't articulate what e.g. groups for phonics have changed, or the classroom has changed. Sometimes things that we wouldn't even notice can affect little people.

I'd be reluctant to assume it's just a stage as it sounds like there was a clear change in his emotional state and feelings about school three weeks ago?

As to what to do now, as a few of us have said, if you stop insisting that all the adults at school are automatically nice, and allow him to express what he is feeling then hopefully he will gradually be able to tell you more.

I'll have a look for a resource that might help with this.

I am allowing him to express it, I don't tell him he's being silly or anything, I tell him they're nice because what else am I meant to say, I'm trying to alleviate his fears but obviously am not doing great at it

I can only refer back to my original post - it's not that you're at fault. Most of us try to reassure children in this way, but - without meaning to - it gives him the message that his feelings are in some way wrong: the adults are nice, even though he is (seemingly) not experiencing all of them as nice.

There are some good workbooks on Amazon by Dawn Huebner called things like 'What to do when you worry too much.' Maybe get a couple of those and work through them with him.

I wasn't a particularly anxious child but there were things about school that bothered me at this age and no-one would have been interested in talking about them. Good that you are!

Is it just in the morning before school that his behaviour is different? Then he goes in and comes out fine for the rest of the evening?

No his behaviour is terrible before and after school. When he comes out of the door at school you can literally see it - he looks miserable and whingey, not happy at all. I've asked DH to do a few pickups for me to see if it's just me he's doing it for but it's the same for DH. But when mentioning it to the teacher she says he isn't like that all in class. In fact the other day I was watching him sneakily through the fence when i had been to drop something off for my DD and he was tearing around the playground laughing. So I know he isn't miserable all the time maybe just most 🤷🏼‍♀️

Maybe transitions are hard for him? Can you make a now and next board?

This is a helpful Facebook page to follow: www.facebook.com/sensitivityprojectau

Ive seen children do this. It’s likely that he just likes being with you so the transition times are painful. Ive watched children having a great time at school then walk out with a sad face for the parent who then assumes they have hated school. Sometimes I’ve seen it with children wanting to control the situation. Id relax now since you have seen him enjoying school when he thought you couldn’t see and just empathise in a positive way “i know, but you’ll have a great time in PE. Yes, but your friends will look forward to seeing you. I know, but Mrs X says your learning about frogs this week, that will be interesting…’

Play a game with him where you ask him questions to help you narrow down what’s ‘scary’. You could try some comparison stuff, ‘Who’s your funniest friend, Jack or Sarah?’, ‘What are you best at, maths or phonics?’, ‘What do you like best, assembly or PE?’,
which might give you some clues.
Or tell him about when you were at school (even if it’s made up!) “When I was a little girl at school I used to love the cake we had on Friday because it was pink, but I was scared of the climbing frame because it was so high. What about you?’ Or ‘My favourite teacher was Miss Smith because she smelled lovely, but I didn’t like Mr Clark because he was always grumpy’.