Amy MILs or MoutLs out there?

[CurlewKate]

I know we're generally considered the worst people in the world- but how do we make sure we're not? And how do we look after ourselves in this new life stage? For example, my ds is 22. He does an activity which was a hobby and which he now sometimes get paid for. (Sorry about the vagueness- it is genuinely outing!) For the last 11 years I've supported him doing this thing-he has struggled with his mental health and he definitely needed my support. Over the past year, he has needed me less and less and his girlfriend has taken over from me-which is fantastic. I've stepped back as I should. This weekend is the biggest one of the year for his "thing" and l'm not involved at all, either practically or emotionally. And I shouldn't be. But oh, it's hard! And yes, I have lots of other things to do, lots of friends. But I don't understand how people cheerfully release their children into the wild without the slightest qualm. Or maybe they don't? Do they? Did you?

Yes. My DS is 22 (today in fact!). This is the first birthday I haven't seen him for. He is in Edinburgh with his girlfriend. I feel nothing but happiness that he is developing his own life. I look forward to his return, but I also look forward to him leaving because it's hard for me to live with another adult! It is the natural order of life, and how it should be. My middle DS may never leave home and that is what I find upsetting the most. That he may not be able to be fully independent. I want my eldest to see the world and be taught the things I could not teach him. I want him to be a well rounded adult. Me being in his life all the time won't allow him to do that.

@LittleRebelGirl Obviously all of that! But do you really have no sad feelings at all? I envy you!

@CurlewKate my “boys” are 39 and 41 and I just continue as normal. I suppose I’m occasionally abrasive and invasive but I didn’t stop caring the day they left home.
neither live close by (I’m in Canada so this isn’t unusual).
i mainly maintain my relationship with my own children my DIL’s and SIL’s (I have a 40 yr old DD). I’m polite and only contact connect with them if they connect with me.
I’m honest with my feelings at all times and will tell them when their actions are immature or hurtful. So in your case OP I’d be mentioning how I miss seeing XYZ and have good memories of those trips. I’d ask how he did how competitors did and all the usual questions.
22 is still young and their actions tend to be self centered till 25.

I guess there are fleeting moments of sadness, but that is more to do with the memories of the past.
I also have 2 young ones (11, 8) at home that take my mind off it so much. Coupled with the knowledge that my middle may never be independent... I guess that helps keep those feelings at bay.

I've also been mum to non independent children for 22 years... since I was 17. I've never been an adult with freedom and my own life. I'm very ready for that to come.

Give them roots, then give them wings.

It's hard stepping back but a relief when you have!

In a way Covid came to my rescue because mine hit that sort of reining back hands on parenting at that point and by the time everything restarted lots had changed I I had got used to not being a glorified taxi service!

We are actively looking forward to the last dsd/dd to flee the nest!

It’s important not to become a needy mother once they leave. They are then more likely yo want to maintain a close connection with you.

This weekend is the biggest one of the year for his "thing" and l'm not involved at all, either practically or emotionally. And I shouldn't be

Why not ?

surely you can both go - parents and partner ?

Music, sport, drama, whatever, there isn't a numbers limit on support.
I sometimes watch my adult ds (who is closer to 30 than 20) play his sport still. Sometimes his partner goes. Some of the lads have their wives / partners and parents there.

@NewName24 Oh, the actual "thing" I'll go to, of course. But I was always part of the preparation and the set up. Don't get me wrong- I'm delighted that he doesn't need me. But I'm still a bit sad!

Nobody else interested in this sort of thing? Or aren't there many parents of older children on here?