Why does being assertive make me feel like crap?

[ChiefEverythingOfficer]

I am the first to say that being politely assertive is a great skill. I know it is. BUT, every single time I am assertive I end up second guessing myself and feeling like crap.

Example - the next door neighbours dogs have been waking us up before 5am on a more and more frequent basis.

I was not absolutely certain it was them, so held off saying anything. This morning I got up and went to investigate the barking. Neighbours dogs are 100% the culprits.

So I sent a short and sweet text to let the neighbour know. She answered and apologised, so all good. Why on earth do I feel so off about it? It's made me feel out of sorts all day.

I see it all the time on MN and wish it wasn't so. I want to give no fucks, but can't get it right.

I'm the same...habitual people pleaser and hate the idea that I have upset people in any way even if I was 100% right and they respond nicely... I think I've improved a bit as I got older (50s) but certain things can still linger in my mind for days after

Therapy helped this change from a big issue to a minor issue for me. I still get that feeling, but am able now to pinpoint why and process it rather than feel upside down for a day.

I find I take less crap as I get older and don't worry about upsetting others when they impact me in some way.

I could have written this OP. It's a daily battle for me. Even the silliest things play on my mind when others wouldn't bat an eye lid. As someone said above, I believe it comes from being a people pleaser

I was exactly the same to the level where I’d cringe for days. Before this I was a total doormat.
We have been conditioned to always “be nice” as women, whereas men “be strong.” But what we forget is that “be nice” should include nice to ourselves too and be fair to all parties- which is exactly what your actions were. Iv found the more you practice being assertive the easier it gets and the less you feel like shit especially if you remind yourself you’ve acted in fairness to everyone and the alternative would be you treating yourself badly but putting up with something you shouldn’t.
I don’t feel cringy or weird after being assertive now just better that Iv spoken up and sorted the problem.

@ChiefEverythingOfficer I don't have an answer but you are not alone! Well done for being assertive. If I'm proud of doing something I give myself a pat on the back (a literal physical one) and say out loud 'Well done emmsee you did a great job' You might try something similar to drive away the crappy feeling

Yep me too. Hate confrontation and being assertive then sorry about what I have said all day

Worry

100% agree, I feel exactly the same, even when I’m in the right. Especially at work when the person I’m dealing with is blatantly in the wrong!

Me too, I really have to work myself up to the point of acting too

Can I recommend the baggage reclaim podcast? Someone recommended to me and it's brilliant- makes sense of all this nonsense and why putting in boundaries or saying no js so hard. I listen while I'm cooking or clearing up the kitchen mainly.

The books Natalie lue have written are also great 😊

It’s a “fear of rejection”, it’s from evolution we are programmed to fit into the group, so by raising an issue there’s a chance we will be pushed out of the group (and therefore in the extreme case, die). In modern times obviously it’s unlikely that upsetting someone else will end up in you dying, but we are still programmed to feel that way! 🤷‍♀️

I'm exactly the same. I think it stems from those few times I tried to stand up for myself against someone alpha, and there was a backlash, not just from them but from whoever they could influence. Weirdly, I find watching The Traitors has helped me to understand these group dynamics better: social dominance and submissiveness is so quickly defined and hard to change, even though they only live together for a couple of weeks. Just look at how hard it was for Jaz to stand up to Paul, and then later Harry, for example, even though his instincts were 100% right and he could have saved the game for the faithfuls. Sorry, bit of a tangent, but we're just mammals with a clear social hierarchy that's hard to change, is what I'm saying.

I can really relate to this and despite bring generally being perceived as confident and bolshy , I desperately struggle to be kind to myself and to fight off those who are clearly do not have my best interests at heart .

Currently feeling crap about myself to the point my chest is really heavy because I stood up for myself in an argument with my stupid 'D'H .

I hate being in discomfort and I put up with all sorts of awfulness from people In order to keep the peace . My husbands biggest weapon against me is the silent treatment, the hard face and the general hostility.

In practical terms , it is not that I don't have the skills . I can win any logical argument and I am perfectly capable reasoning with people . My literal job is to manage people .

But all my unhappiness in life is rooted in people pleasing .

There are so many posts I could have written myself. Thank you for the suggestions.

I am a terrible people pleaser. To the point where I sometimes try to disappear myself. An example - pop into the chemist to sort out some prescriptions. It ends up taking a lot longer than expected, I then get super conscious about the queue. When this happened, I was just about to say 'don't worry, I will come back when it's quieter'. I gave my head a bit of a wobble and reminded myself that it's a 20 minute drive each way to the chemist. Hyper considerate, people please. Doormat. Anxious wreck.

I am seriously considering counselling.

A psychologist explained to me that asserting oneself does feel completely unnatural (like we've done a bad thing!) when you're not used to doing so. It's a case of breaking the taboo that's programmed into us.

Because you're a people pleaser and want to control peoples perception of you instead of just letting them not like you.

I'm the same OP. I have improved over the years but it causes me such stress.
Once I went for a promotion and my colleague went too, I was so stressed about how things would work if I got it that I was relieved when i didn't. I always got the shitty table at weddings because as someone told me, you are so easy going I know you won't mind. But I'm not easy going really I've just created that persona to make people like me. A few years back I remember working myself into a state because a pal borrowed something and I wanted it back but was afraid she would think I was being tight or petty. I eventually sent a text after about 40 drafts and she was yeah sure no problem. Stupid as it sounds it was a turning point for me. I try to asset myself now politely but it never feels comfortable.

Thank you for posting this today. I made a silly mistake yesterday and have been over-thinking it ever since. My whole mood has changed and I can't seem to snap out of it.

Most likely your neighbour probably hasn't given it another thought, and is just going about her day as normal. Yet it's upset your whole day. I'm a people-pleaser too, and apparently after my mistake yesterday, also a perfectionist who judges myself too harshly. To everyone else, however, I am the MOST patient and understanding person. Why can't we be kinder to ourselves?

"short and sweet" IMO is not being politely assertive.

What do you mean? Do you think I was being curt /rude?

Yes, by saying "short and sweet." The only times I've heard that saying is when someone tried to get the one up on someone.

Yes, it can be used in a polite context, but to me its as above

If I'd done what you did and posted about it, two things

Firstly, I would waited to see them out in the front or rear garden. Then having exchange a bit if cit chat/hi, then I would have said, " it pains me to say this but your dogs kept me awake...is there anything you can do.."

Secondly, text and emails do not give off the right tone at times

Try not to think of it as being assertive but simply communicative. You are not accusing anyone but to let her know a fact, nothing to feel guilty about! It would only come across as assertive if your right has been deliberately trespassed, in which case, the trespasser should be the one feeling guilty, not you. Apply this logic and you won't feel guilty for being "assertive" again.

I think practice makes perfect.
If possible I write myself a mental script and rehearse before any confrontation. I work at keeping my voice low and steady, so as not to sound scared and squeaky and I try to have an easy escape from the situation. Say my piece and walk away.
If anyone knows how to stop crying when upset I'd love to know.

We live rurally on 5 acres blocks. Our house is near the front of our block and their house is at the back of their block. Down a very long driveway. This is why their dogs don't wake them with the barking as it's so far down the drive that they can't hear it

We would never see them in passing - so text or phone was the only option.