New man "all my best friends are women"

[Calculuses]

I'm not generally the jealous type and as far as I know there's not one special friend, just that there 's something that just makes me wonder if this is a bit off. A bit like women who are "not like other women" and claim to enjoy the company of men more.

Or is it completely different in reverse?

He's a warm, caring, emotionally intelligent man who has spent his whole career in an industry where staff are predominantly women. He also doesn't enjoy football, which he says has excluded real friendships with the few men he's come across in his working life. He has a couple of male friends from school, but his main friendship groups are mostly women. He's 50, so from a generation when mixed friendship groups weren't quite as common as they are now.

I'm not jealous exactly, more wondering if this is a red flag? I'm being pre warned I'm going to have to accept other women, or.....?

Always a green flag if a man has female friends in my experience. It means he likes women, respects them and is able to hang out with them without making it sexual. Way less chance of ingrained misogyny than a man with only male friends.

I genuinely don't trust anyone who only socialises with their own gender.

Yes, that's is definitely how he seems. He's a breath of fresh air compared to men I work with. Although, I did actually pull him up for mansplaining early on. He was giving me some excellent advice, but without realising it was on of my specialist subjects 😆 He was contrite when he realised what he'd done.

Perhaps he should be judging op on why she's presumably a similar age and single?

Op is judge it based on how he told you. Just a thing that came up or something he made a big thi g about to explain how he's SO in touch and why there's always a woman on the phone / in his house etc

I don't think he's in regular close contact with any one woman, I don't think any of them come to his home, certainly not regularly, but when he goes out, maybe once or twice a month, it will be in a group of predominantly women.

I genuinely don't think there's anything going on with any of them, I just find it unusual and also wonder why, early on, he made a point of telling me "all my best friends are women".

It was more an I'm in touch with my feminine side, don't like football thing, than to explain the presence of women in his life. TBH if he'd just told me he was out with mates, I'd be none the wiser. Maybe he's just making a point of being open about who he's with?

Maybe it's been a problem in past relationships? Unless he's bragging about being a stag or trying to make you jealous, it's 100% a good thing that he's been open about it.

Well, it's possible he's trying to lull you into a false sense of security like men who describe themselves as feminists but are actually misogynists. Or maybe he happens to have lots of female friends!

The thing I find weird is his football comment, I know tons of guys who dislike football and aren't in touch with their feminine side at all.

That probably only came up because I am a huge football fan 😆

.A bit like women who are "not like other women" and claim to enjoy the company of men more.

Sounds snide to me OP.

The thing about cross-sex friendships not being common in the 90s is weird too.

Maybe you struggle to accept people who differ from you?

My DH's best friend is a lady.

She was the best person at our wedding.

I love their friendship and her!

Contrition when mansplaining is pointed out is another green flag! So many men react defensively or even double down in that situation.

I think the problem with women who say they prefer the company of men is that the often -not always- couple it with comments like "because men talk about serious subject/are more straightforward while women are bitchy and gossipy and talk about trivial things." There is often* -not always*- an air of slight superiority, of being above feminine things. That men's concerns are more important than women's.

I think you're right in many cases. Obviously I've given you some of my reasons for preferring the company of men up-thread. I actually find my male friends better at the whole 'tea & sympathy' thing than the women I know, I don't enjoy long drawn out conversations about what my husband has or hasn't done and in the past I've found women to want to pour over it and analyse every little thing he (or their husbands/partners) have done or said. That's not for me - my friends will tell me if I'm being ridiculous or i have a point and move on and I'd prefer that if I'm the one being vented to.

I think that's just a personality thing!

I am not a 'cool wife' or 'Tom Boy' as has been directed at me in the past! I love lots of stereotypically feminine things - I enjoy make up and hair care and like my nails doing etc etc but I don't like 'girls nights out', or spa days with the girls, or films/books directed at women - rather have an eye out. I do enjoy going to the cricket for the test matches, I like the atmosphere on what would be called 'lads nights' and of course women can and do love these also but it's mainly men and that's why my friendship group is mainly men.

Not one of the 9 or so close male friends have ever come on to me, crossed my boundaries and they wouldn't be my friends if they did.

I’m 60. I’ve had loads of male friends.

Most of my friends are male, I prefer the company of men, probably because I am autistic and find men are just easier to understand and find we have more in common, most of my hobbies are more male hobbies. My best mate is male and he finds women easier to get along with than men, though I do have a few female friends and he has a male friends. I don’t see it as a red flag but obviously if it’s going to bother you then I wouldn’t get into a relationship with him.

PP is rightly irritated by it though. Im one of “these women” too - and my male friends are like the guy you’re dating. Hence, I imagine, why we get on.

I don’t “prefer men” because im some attention seeking flirt who wants to be doted on by men. And the men I am friends with are not morons who fawn over women and can’t keep it in their pants.

the men I’m friends with prefer female company because they enjoy conversation about more ‘traditionally’ female things. They’re also more emotive than some men - not in a pathetic way, in a thoughtful way. Some like sport, some don’t. But they all enjoy a bottle of wine and deep conversations with the odd existential crises on a Saturday night rather than surface level football talk.

I gravitate to male company - because I just seem to hit it off with them better. It’s not premeditated. I find them to be upfront and straightforward. They also don’t take offence easily and aren’t so guarded. Just my experience.

i do have a few female friends, but they’re also very easy going and boisterous.

unless you have really bad taste in men and hes having multiple concurrent relationships, your man has told you that his friends are female because some women are really funny and suspicious about it. It’s a shame. If you can’t trust your bf/dh with a woman he’s been friends with for years, you can trust him full stop.

edited to add that men who have the respect for women to see them as true friends, seek their opinions and spend their time with them platonically through choice are our allies... I can’t imagine wanting a husband who reserves his friendship for other men only. Plus, men with female friends have an insight into life for a woman so are more understanding. I’d think it weird if my husband wouldnt be friends with women - and suspicious of his motives towards them.

Kind of agree, and I say that as someone who hates a lot of stereotypical "feminine" activities and stereotypical "female bonding" conversations. Stereotypical is the key word there because I've managed to find tons of female friends who also prefer to talk politics, sports and art rather than weight loss and how much we hate our husbands.

Preferring one gender over another to socialise with doesn't make sense to me because neither men or women are homogeneous in their interests, personalities, styles of friendship etc.

I'm sad for you that you've clearly been through something.

Yeah, I'd find it a bit odd too.

When people say they "get on" better with people of the opposite sex and then list a lot of stereotypical reasons, I tend to think they're probably the one who is the problem or they just haven't bothered to cultivate proper friendships.

I have bothered to cultivate proper friendships. Mainly with men. Or are women only allowed proper friends if those friends have vaginas?

erm, excuse me! Mixed friendship groups very much the norm for our generation as far as I am concerned.

My best friends are men. In what way are these not "proper friendships" in your eyes? what a weird response. I'm having coffee with one later. I will tell him we don't have a "proper friendship". I expect he will be as surprised as I am by that news!

Depends on the reason. I have both male and female friends. Not a problem.

What puts me right off is when women or men say “I can’t be friends with men/women because they’re all bitchy/into football/insert harmful gender stereotype here” That’s why it concerns me because you are basically saying you couldn’t be friends with 50% of the population due to them all being the same. That’s when it becomes a huge red flag in my book.

Neither genders are “all the same” and if you aren’t like that then it’s certainly possible others aren’t. That view is very narrow minded and ignorant.

If however he simply has women friends out of circumstance then it wouldn’t bother me.

I’m 51, and don’t recognise the generational single-sex friendships group idea at all! Since I left my all-girls secondary school, I’ve had male as well as female friends, and that certainly didn’t stop when I married — two of my closest friends are male. DH works in a very male-dominated industry, and tends to have a majority of female friends outside of work. He recently took a female friend to a work event, and a couple of weekends ago, he flew to Seville to see another female friend.