11yo homework drama - is this normal?

[Happinessischeeseontoast]

Weve had various incidents where we've not seen eye to eye on homework but I largely stay out of it now because it becomes hysterical and no amount of nagging actually gets it done.

Homework is due on Thursday and DC has just put homework in bag so I commented that homework should be in sooner as won't be able to do that once in secondary. Cue lots of tears and hyperventilating and DC saying she doesn't want to live because she can't do anything right.

It's all just so extreme and overdramatic. I get annoyed when this crops up as I feel like I've made the most cliched mum comment ever but she's complrtely destroyed by it.

We have so many tears all the time, like when I say she needs to brush her teeth in the morning and if I say it abruptly because w're running late she will cry because my tone was 'scary'.

I am silly and not a very serious person so being abrupt is at odds with my usual demeanor but my other DC is fine about it.

I've been wondering if this level of sensitivity is indicative of ADHD or autism? Or am I being equally dramatic trying to diagnose a simple (but very regular) overreaction?!

My DD is like this and is both autistic and adhd. However their little bodies are also being flooded with hormones and they are struggling to cope with all the new feelings and emotions so it is not necessarily autism.

If you are concerned about autism talk with her teacher and the senco. If you still want to go down the autism route contact your GP.

I think it could be hormones - there's A LOT going on for them at this age so what I'm doing is making a real effort to try to view it from her point of view.

She doesn't want to react like this; it feels HORRIBLE to get that upset, she probably feels really out of control and scared by her own reaction. So as the parent you can help her with that and empathise / help her calm down rather than get exasperated.

It's a switch that's only recently gone off in my head and my God it's changed the atmosphere in the house dramatically

I bought DD a 'puberty' book to read and she came down and said she'd started with the chapter on feelings and emotions (which was the last one but obviously it was what was her most pressing concern). She said she felt so much better reading that it was all completely normal.

I've been looking at puberty books for this reason but this has honestly always been the case. We used to have this about showers (thankfully she doesn't get upset about them now), snacks, whether we see grandparents, whether we do or don't have plans for the weekend. Basically everything that can cause a little bit of disappointment is a huge deal but not in a tantrum way. I know she is feeling really intense emotions that makes her react this way so when it's calm I talk about how life is hard and we have to learn to regulate our emotions to help us to deal with difficult things and then when things start to spiral I remind her about taking a deep breath etc.

As an aside she also has happy tears regularly, is extremely kind to her friends, is very artistic. Also messy, starts new hobbies which she becomes obsessed with and then starts a new one before she's really got anywhere with the last one (she kept buying wool with her pocket money when she was interested in crochet but never learned anything beyond a big long line of stitches. We have lots of these big worms in her cupboard). She struggles with jokes - like we joke around but absolutely all jokes on TV go over her head and she has to explain them out loud.

I worry about her coping skills for secondary and actually chose a less academic school because I wanted to avoid unnecessary pressure knowing she wouldn't be able to handle that.

Do these examples fit? I've looked at symptoms for ADHD but she doesn't meet them all and those that she does would probably apply to most kids.

With the jokes thing I don't know if this is generational. She chuckles away when she is watching inane videos on YouTube and she has a sense of humor to talk to.

Apparently (according to my clinical psychologist friend) emotional disregulation is a common but not well acknowledging trait of ADHD in girls. Obviously I have no idea if that applies to your DD though…

I would suggest that it sounds like potential ADHD/ASD. With girls it's often this age that it becomes more apparent, maybe to do with hormones also becoming more involved?

Reading this sounds exactly like I was as a youngster

I haven't seemed a diagnosis yet but I an absolutely certain I have ADHD.
I am highly sensitive. A worried/anxious etc etc

This sounds like my DS. He's on the waiting list for an ADHD assessment, lots of other behaviours though.

Thanks I will ask her teacher about it at parents evening. All of her teachers have described her as sensitive without me pre-empting but I think peer pressure does manage to keep a lid on it to a degree. There are a lot of symptoms that aren't her at all so it's always been difficult to navigate whether her extreme emotions are normal or not and whether I should prove things further.

Tidying her room is a big one. It gets into such a state so I tidy it with / for her as she gets completely overwhelmed but then she is also overwhelmed by having a few little chores. If I say it's part of being responsible and when we grow up we're allowed to play out as we are independent and that also means independently doing some chores. All nods until she is overwhelmed and then a teary meltdown ensues.

My son's like this and pretty definitely neurotypical, just finds it hurtful when I'm grumpy or bossy at him and has always been sensitive to being "told off" at all. He'll be very anxious starting secondary school because of the huge amounts of rules and things you can get in trouble for forgetting. Perhaps your comment reminded your daughter of worries about secondary. Plus, of course, puberty onset is very emotional.

Op the symptoms your daughter is showing sound like my son. He had symptoms for years but didn't say anything because he didn't want to make a fuss. He's now 18 and on the waiting list for an assessment. It could also be hormones kicking in and making her feel overwhelmed x

Been thinking about this overnight. I feel like if I broach school about it they will look at me like I've got two heads as I know it's more extreme at home and she's conscientious and tries hard so it's at odds with inattentive and hyperactive ADHD. Could anyone else describe their ADHD dc similarly from a school perspective?

For years I've been told she'll grow out of it and now we're getting close to teenage years there's no chance of that!

Just giving this a bump

Schools know about masking. They know that they see a different version of your DD in school.

Perhaps you could ask teachers about general organisation, working memory, forgetfulness, untidiness, impulsivity? They might be able to give you some examples.

My Dd was like this. Had lots of anxiety too.

Diagnised ASD at 16 and ADHD at 17. ADHD meds look like they are making a massive change.

Get her diagnosed asap. Mine couldn’t cope with school anymore at 16

I felt exactly the same before I mentioned it to school. When I did her teacher was brilliant and said she was thinking the same and that she already treats DD the same as any other autistic child and if I was to go for diagnosis she was totally on board.

She also made the excellent point that I had not considered - get it started when DD is in primary and the primary teacher who knows her really well and sees her all day every day will fill out the paperwork. If you wait until secondary the paperwork will be filled out by a tutor who sees her for 10 minutes twice a day.

Your update does sound like there's some ND going on. A phrase I heard on here and which I repeat to myself religiously to help me cope with the dramas now is that some kids just need more scaffolding than others.

By now, you'd hope and therefore try to take some of it down but it goes horribly wrong!

In DS case, he hates the fact that he forgets so much stuff, that he can't organise himself, that he loses things, that he leaves jobs half done constantly. I've accepted it's not because he's lazy / immature / not trying / needs to learn but that he simply CAN'T do it yet. And, as a parent, I need to keep more of the scaffolding up for him.

I still try to take it down / remove some struts every now and then but I accept that that is likely to result in some stuff getting forgotten and that it's part of the process.

So, regardless of a diagnosis etc you can still shift your mindset in that she will need more support and be willing to help her to avoid the perceived failure which is what is setting off the reaction.

So, set different alarms on your phone eg Teeth, Breakfast, Get Dresses that builds in LOADS of time for all the morning stuff so you don't need to be abrupt and you are overseeing that she's on time in morning.

With your homework example, I'd actually not say anything at this stage. She'd done it (just) in time and you pulled her up on something that wasn't even an issue? Instead, praise her for doing it!

The history sounds like it's been established as a battleground whereas you now need to disengage to reset the perception: Mum isn't here to nag, you won't get cross, you are here to help.

Then follow through and don't get cross even if she's driving you up the wall - so try to pick up earlier what needs to be done and provide that scaffolding / structure to get it done. Gentle, frequent reminders "let me know if you want help with your homework tonight - what have you got is it interesting?" Or toddlers choice "shall we do it together now or would you prefer to do it on your own whilst I do xyz?" Then if she blows up you need to disengage "ok I can see your upset it doesn't matter it's only homework we'll look at it later" rather that 'oh for god sake I said we should have done this sooner now look what's happened" etc

I'm often reminded of the parable of the sun and the wind fighting. The wind says I'm the strongest I bet I can get that man's coat off, you'd never manage it.

The wind blows and blows and the man pulls his coat tighter and tighter around himself.

The sun just shines brightly until the man takes his coat off himself.

Provide the environment / scaffolding for your daughter to succeed herself rather than setting up the "I'm failing / disappointing people" narrative which makes it all so much harder

Thanks @JinglePringle can I ask what has changed since the diagnosis? Do you all just have a better understanding?

@FusionChefGeoff thank you for your advice I think You're right my mindset totally needs to change. I strive for my kids to be independent and get frustrated and I admit to thinking it's down to laziness. I've been so unfair on her. Things like tidying her room. I'm sitting here now thinking it has clearly been overwhelming her but I've treated her and her younger sister the same and when she has struggled I've put it down to her prioritizing the wrong things and lectured her which then starts her meltdown which finishes me off then.

Hormones and needing to find a way she can emotionally self regulate. It might help to look into ways to communicate that convey empathy too.

My 12yo is like this. Very sensitive, always has been. I used to get frustrated with what I saw as drama but now I understand that she does actually feel things more deeply than other people. When she was younger, she would scream and cry after minor bumps, now she does the same with the slightest emotional pain. Hormones are not helping but she’s always been like this.

I thought she might be ASD for a long time and even had her assessed by a psychologist who felt she wasn’t. Now I can see that she is more along the ASD spectrum than some people but not enough for a diagnosis. Actually what has helped is learning emotional regulation techniques, us as parents learning to be firm but empathetic and her understanding the pros and cons of being a sensitive person.

These kids are difficult because their extreme emotions are almost training you to walk on eggshells, but imo it is important to teach them that you are not afraid of their feelings (and therefore they shouldn’t be either). And remember as well as being difficult, a sensitive person is also likely to be: creative, observant, thoughtful etc etc