Upset. Why do this.

[Cookiemonstersnana15]

Our mum died in September last year. It's me, older sister and my 2 brothers.
We don't live near each other so only meet up occasionally.
Last night we arranged a meal for the eight to privately remember mum.
My Dh, Bil, older brothers wife and younger brothers girlfriend joined us.

YBG was already drunk when we arrived at the pub. We have only met
her 5 times due to distance. We sat down and were generally chatting when
all of a sudden she made a big drunken toast about mum. Surely that was either one of the brothers job or us 2 daughters. She was drinking like a fish. (at least 8 large wines) We were too embarrassed to say anything.
Then she started to rant about younger brother. He has the patience of a saint
but even he had enough and told her to shut up.
She then started to get nasty with him and stormed out.

He phoned this morning to apologise and to say she couldn't remember what she said and her behaviour during the evening.

Sister, Older brother and myself don't feel like we could invite either of them again if we wanted to meet again. How sad.
She completely ruined the night.

And she is similar age to us as we are in our 60's.

Oh I thought you were going to say that she was in her early 20's or similar. Definitely arrange to meet your brother without her!

Yes. How horrible for you all. Your younger brother must have been mortified. Does his GF have an alcohol problem? He may need some support.

Is it a one-off situation or does she have a known problem with alcohol? If it's a one-off then it's not great, but maybe after the first couple of drinks she lost self-control to pace herself and it all got out of hand. Unusual for someone in their 60s and more like the behaviour of a twenty-something but hey ho. If she's otherwise been okay with you then you may want to give her a second chance. But if she's often like it, I'd make future events brother only and make it clear she's not invited because of her behaviour.

I reached out this morning via text asking him he was alright.
He phoned me just after.
The more I think about it the more I want to slap her.
But of course I won't.
Mum only met her 3 times at the same time as us.
4th time mums funeral and 5th at Christmas.

Oh no I thought you were going to say she was really young but to be fair drinks if all ages are bloody awful. Hopefully your younger brother may see the light with her if she regularly behaves like that.

We had a very similar situation. New girlfriend, in her 60s, created a huge embarrassing scene at a family meal, the first time we'd met her. It later emerged that she was an alcoholic, who repeated this performance multiple times at various family events, was caught drinking at our two year old's birthday party and threw up in a bowl, which we later found hidden under a chair. It was awful. Unfortunately she created a huge rift in our family and we are now no contact with the relative who's girlfriend she is.

Be wary, it will happen again and again.

I wonder if drinking like that is a regular thing for her. What’s she been like on the other occasions you’ve met her?

I’m cringing at the thought of her drunken toast to your mum especially after only meeting her 3 times. I know someone who would do exactly this type of thing, it’s overfamiliar and attention seeking.

60s!

That's truly dreadful.

I can understand that nerves can make people drink alcohol but under the circumstances she could have sat quietly and let you all reminisce about your mother.

What a vile woman.

At the end of her life mum had dementia so was away with the fairies
most of the time.
So this lady would not have known mum when she was well.
She seemed quite pleasant at first.
I understand that she might have been nervous as everyone else has known each other for over 40 years. But still.

The funniest part was we split the bill between each couple so we have paid for all these wines. 😂😂
Everyone else had 2 or 3 drinks.

Sister, Older brother and myself don't feel like we could invite either of them again if we wanted to meet again.

I think that’s very sad.
I mean I get you have an issue with her. But your brother??

@BlueSkyBlueLife unfortunately unless he breaks up with her he will always bring her. How can we tell him not for her to attend.
It's not in the pipeline for another meet up so time will hopefully be kind enough for us to forget.
It is a sad situation as he is at 61 the baby of the family and we feel protective of him.

I think you need to tell him about any future meet ups, but you'd all feel uncomfortable in his GF's company now so you'd rather she didn't come. If he pushes for her to be included, then a change of date and place might be necessary, sadly without your DB too.
It's obviously not his fault but if he backs her up, he's making his choice.

I dont think you can tell him that she cant attend. Well, obviously you can, but its unlikely to go down well.

Arrange something which is siblings only, followed by something where there wont be alchol?

I think this is a very emotional times for all of you.
And i can see why some if her behaviours triggered you/your siblings.

But I also think it’s not the right time to make big decisions like ‘we’re never going to invite dbrother ever again’ unless he splits with his gf.

There are many other options for you to look at. Later on when things are not as raw as they are now.

I'd just meet up with your siblings alone next time, and make it without spouses/partners. That way you can all remember your Mum between you.

Agree with PP.

Next meet up, make it siblings only, no partners.

The one after that, partners too, but the meet up is alcohol free.