Is my son a cheat?

[Calculuses]

At 20yo, around the time his dad was dying (relevant I think) he had his first serious relationship. The got really serious really quickly, which bothered me at the time, but not really my business and I was caring for terminally ill DH. It was a very unhealthy relationship, he dropped all his friends, spent all his money, felt real stress if he didn't respond to messages instantly, seemed to be constantly in fear of upsetting her/losing her. I felt helpless because I could see how harmful it was, but pointing that out was a source of great friction and frankly we had enough problems. It doesn't take a psychiatrist to work out why he became so reliant on her at that time though.

Anyway after about 18 months they were about to rent a flat together, had even paid a holding deposit, when they decided to split.

Previously whenever they fell out I'd had him sobbing in my bed! This time, he assured me he was fine, they'd just realised they didn't get on as well as they thought they did. All was well for a couple of weeks, then ex and her parents turned up at his work screaming blue murder that he'd been cheating with a colleague. They were all batshit, whether it was true or not, police had to be called and they were banned from the complex where he worked. DS has always maintained that wasn't true, they were mates, colleagues who got a long.

However, six months later he told me he and the woman in question were now dating.

They've just celebrated their "six month" anniversary. Is that a thing young people do? There were lots of gifts and a special night out. I work he still has a OTT idea of what normal in a realtonship.

Anyway, it would have been about 6 months from when he told me they were together, and when she started staying at ours occasionally. It would have been exactly a year since he split with the previous GF.

It's his business, but I don't like being lied to and I don't like the idea that my son is a cheat.

I also worry about the intensity of all these relationships, to the exclusion of all else. This one seems slightly more healthy, she has maintained other friendships, but he's never got his old ones back and has no other interests 😪

A 20 year old young man finding his own way in the world after losing his father could arguably do much worse than being in a stable, committed relationship

When children become young adults they grow by making their own decisions & learning from them.

Sometimes children's decisions disrupt the idea we had of them in our minds

When kids grow up it is not uncommon for parents to still see them as an idealised version

But it's important to not reject who they have become, allow them to make mistakes & learn from them

Cheating is wrong, however labelling your son as a "cheat" rather than accepting that he may have cheated is also not helpful language, as it paints him as something that he is, rather than having made a bad decision

Sometimes it's a case of being careful what you wish for - you wished your son wasn't in that serious relationship even though it brought him comfort during a traumatic time, as you felt she was not a good fit for him

They broke up & he has seemingly found someone he likes even more, which is ultimately what you wanted

It may be wise to take a step back & accept your son's decisions on who he picks as a partner, rather than fretting about his personal decisions when it comes to relationships

Parents who are overbearing, judgemental & disapproving of their adult children's relationships can find themselves feeling isolated from their child's lives & cause great damage to them

It is understandable to feel a need to focus on your son's wellbeing after losing your husband, however if the boy appears to be happy with his decision then having faith in his choice & taking a step back may be the best bet

I have a son the same age, he has had two relationships that have turned serious, the first one he cheated on her and then found out she'd cheated on him first.. It's part of growing up and unless it's abusive it's best to stay out of these things.

He isn't a cheat unless you think he's cheating on the current girlfriend. Whether he DID cheat previously is immaterial. It's something he did or didn't do, it isn't something he is.

I understand, I’d find it unpalatable if either of our children cheated, it’s just so unnecessary and cruel.

But you said it yourself, it’s none of your business …..

Oh I am staying well out of it. It's just the dates thing and the fact that he's probably lied to me too.

Maybe he didn't even cheat. Maybe the ex assumed he had because he had formed a friendship at that time with the colleague and she was jealous/batshit because she couldn't isolate him from that particular friendship because it was a work colleague.

If he hadn't been able to reform his old friendships after splitting with ex then it may be more natural for him to rely on friendship with colleague and for it to develop further. And yes these days 6month celebrations do seem to be the thing for social media!

Yes potentially he became reliant on the first because of the circumstances around his dad. But I am unsure why you believe he was cheating or why you don't believe him when the timeline you set out (especially public acknowledgement of 6months anniversary a year after he split with ex) suggests he did not.

He's 20. Old enough to manage his own relationships and young enough to not be fully tied down to one person yet.

I do think I might try to chat with him about treating people nicely in general, but only if I could manage it in a casual, non lecture / judgemental style.

I don't understand what you mean by the dates thing. You say new relationship celebrated 6 month anniversary a year after the first split. This suggests a 6 month gap before they started a relationship.

I’m not sure what the problem is? He has just celebrated his 6 month anniversary and it’s been a year since he broke up with previous gf? Or have I misunderstood? Or do you think he’s lying and it’s actually a year?

I'm not sure I believe they were celebrating 6 months and not a year.

Honestly you do see youngsters celebrating 6 months on social media. For them it is a big deal.

I am so sad that this is what is causing you to assume your son is a cheat and a liar when he most likely is neither. Please don't dwell on this or let it ruin your relationship.

I couldn't get upset about this. He's young, they weren't married or even living together and it sounds like the relationship was abusive. I'd just be glad he's escaped and kids celebrate every minor milestone!

Cheating or trying to extract himself from the influence of a rather controlling first gf?

Could be either from the information you have given. I think branding him as a cheat is far too strong.

Young people fall in love but then the relationship fizzles out. It can be messy if one person wants to cling on if the other wants it to end, that doesn't mean the one who wants out has done anything wrong.

All mine do six month anniversaries. In fact, one weirdo does monthly anniversaries! Yeah, it’s strange but young people like to turn every trivial thing into an ‘event’. I’d be inclined to believe him.

Who cares? He's your son, support him.

My 22 year old definitely celebrated her and her boyfriends six month anniversary, and my friends daughter did at the same time. We were laughing at how extravagant these non events are.

Don’t get me started on ‘my birthday month ‘

I don’t think he’s lying, it seems to be a thing now

I think most of us make mistakes with relationships when we're young. It's all a learning process and doesn't have to mean anything bad about him as a person as long as he doesn't continue that as he gets older and things are more serious. But you don't even know if he did anything anyway. I think you're overthinking and I'd keep out of it.

Come on OP.

I know cheating on MN is seen as an actual crime and I genuinely believe some mumsnetters would happily advocate prison sentences for those convicted.

But in RL does it really matter if there is a bit of overlap in relationships amongst 20 year olds? You're acting like he's been married for 30 years and has just left his wife for his secretary.

Be glad he's no longer with a controlling nut job and her mad family.

Leave the lad alone. He's an adult trying to make his way in the world, not some violent domestic abuser