This morning we argued. I was already completely weak with exhaustion from him constantly laying into me/just not being supportive or very nice to me.
He opened the fridge, he started going through all the stuff I ‘waste’, granted there were things (out of date hummus, some questionable strawberries that weren’t getting eaten in time, some chicken from last fri night) not loads, but I haven’t had the chance yet to clean the fridge out and check dates etc.
I suppose I am a bit useless because rather embarrassingly, I say ‘I haven’t had the chance’ but at the moment I am a stay at home mum so I can see how he would assume I can find time to look after the bloody fridge. My children are both so small though and youngest follows me absolutely everywhere. I always feel like little jobs build up because it’s hard to get the little things done with 2 toddlers running behind you. I never ever get a break either, so I feel exhausted most of the time.
DS needs a haircut, that was brought up by DP, too. I haven’t taken him but it is on my list to. I just haven’t found the right time (really need to go when DS is up for going to eliminate risk of a tantrum in the barber shop!).
DP basically expects/wants: the house clean, nice food on the table, no food going to waste, kids showered daily and haircuts up to date etc etc. I’m crying my eyes out typing this because when I put it like that, it’s what I am supposed to be doing, isn’t it? He isn’t expecting the world. He is just expecting me to look after the house and kids like I should be.
I love my children more than anything in this world. I really do my best. I do miss a shower, I let eldest’s hair grow a little too long, I forget to sort the fridge and go through leftovers so sometimes they go off and need to be binned. But it’s only because I’m tired (and unhappy). It’s not because i’m useless or lazy (I don’t think).
Truth is, I am scared of him, not in the sense that he would hit me. He would never lay a finger on me or the kids, but because the way he speaks to me can come across so demanding, intimidating and shouty. It’s like walking on eggshells the majority of the time. I can’t say that I am madly in love with him, at the same time though i’m terrified of him leaving me. I’m terrified that he will find the perfect wife who will do everything he expects and do it easily, making me look like utter useless shite.
He doesn’t come back from work inspecting the place, but he does (lowkey) iyswim…
He won’t come home and say ’x needs wiping’, ’y needs doing’ etc etc… but what he will do is, whenever I do spend the occasional WHOLE day slaving away cleaning everything down to the door handles, windows, appliances (absolutely everything) he will say how lovely it is and would be so nice to have it like that all the time. It makes you feel like you have to keep that up, you know?
He doesn’t do anything with the kids really, but then how can I expect anything when he works 12+ hour shifts 6 days a week? I have to be fair and let you know that he is incredibly stressed. He has a hard physical job. Very long hours and only 1 day off on a sunday. He has taken on way too much.
He does occasionally say that he knows he is difficult and he knows he sticks a lot on me, sadly though it doesn’t stop him.
He wants little things like for me to make him lunch to take to work, that sounds so reasonable. I’m just tired. Thats why I don’t. But I always (never miss) have a dinner ready for him on the table for when he gets home. I also cook him breakfast every single Sat and Sunday (he leaves too early on the other days). He always has a point.. he goes out to work all day every day and I don’t even make him a sandwich. I open the fridge multiple times each day and saw that chicken sat there for days… so yeah he is right in that I could have made him a chicken sandwich, that way he had lunch and the chicken didn’t go to waste. But I didn’t because i’m busy with the kids all day. I just don’t think as much as I should about food waste or making his lunch.
I just do not know if I am just being lazy or if he is bullying me.
He has just come home and gone straight off to bed, we are not talking over the fridge argument from this morning.
I hardly recognise him or myself anymore. This probably all sounds so pathetic, but when someone is constantly slating you when you are doing your very best, it drains you.