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Original poster

Husband cant stand me working .

10 replies

Chocolate2020 · 05/03/2024 22:17

He's always had a jealous nature and I'm not exepting (his ex cheated) as an excuse anymore as this was 16 years ago and when he was 21.

I gave up my dream job as I was young and worshiped the ground he walked on and his jealousy stopped me doing alot ....
Anyway call it a midlife crisis ... my children are getting older allowing me to have a bit more freedom and I've decided to pursue my dream job (I got it) and I'm so happy not being in a dead end mind numbing 9-4.

However I'm working part time but my hours rage from 5:30 6.30pm .

For the first time since becoming a mum I'm finally feeling myself I'm not just a mum and wife I'm ME .
With my old job I rarely spoke about it to my husband unless there was gossip , since starting my new job I've had so much to talk about , like my male and female colleagues and what I get up to , where as I had 3 other people i worked with .

Since starting 2 and half weeks ago , I've been exhausted and had no time for housework (I do bare minimum and I will no longer put his clothes away ,that was due to another issue).

We have had multiple arguments weekly and during an argument he told me he feels pushed out and all I ever talk about is my new job and I've changed , he's referring to my true personality as I've felt squashed for so long hes forgotten what I was like and I reminded him how I never spoke about my job before as I did nothing note worthy.

I do asked him how his job is and he never elaborates .

He insulted My co workers and insinuated everyone "wants me".
He insulted my looks aswell and told me to go play with my hair and put makeup on ( I've started wearing makeup again and being more confident with my self and fashion )
He didnt call my ugly but made out like im vain.
I've never insulted his looks and can't understand why he try and make me not feel confident.

Had an argument tonight after him saying I've done nothing housework wise on my day off I told him what I had done and he still insisted I did nothing , he loved using the "I work full time and I earn more " excuse .

I'm going to be honest, for the past 2 months I've done less and less for him housework wise due to everything falling on me.
Apparently I'm a nagging bitch .

Oh and I think he's secretly drinking a beer when I'm out (I can tell) this effects him in a way that make him not him.
Trust me when I say the man I speak to in the mornings and during the day is not the same man in the evening, I asked him to admit his alchol usage as I'd respect him but currently being gaslit is torture .

OP posts:
DinnaeFashYersel · 05/03/2024 22:20

You know you are doing the right thing and he is being an araehole.

HalebiHabibti · 05/03/2024 22:20

He's angry at you for not being the squished down version of yourself anymore OP. He preferred that person.

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/03/2024 22:26

You deserve better. I'd be making plans to end this marriage.

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Relationship problems
PermanentTemporary · 05/03/2024 22:29

This is CRYING OUT for therapy.

Tell him you want to go into couples therapy and it's non-negotiable. Tbh I think he should do solo therapy as well but maybe talk about that a little way in. And I also think you could benefit too... because there is the question here of why you ever thought 'worshipping' someone was a good thing and required you to do things that damaged you.

Original poster
Chocolate2020 · 05/03/2024 22:30

HalebiHabibti · 05/03/2024 22:20

He's angry at you for not being the squished down version of yourself anymore OP. He preferred that person.

I want him to be proud of what I'm accomplished as I've stuck with him through multiple job changes until he finally got a good one and earning good money at last ..
I want him to grow with me and say to everyone "look, that's my wife" .

I'm deflated, and depressed

Another Thing he said was
all I want is his money , I was like ... how can I be ? I was with him when he had nothing and in mountains of debt .

OP posts:
DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 05/03/2024 22:31

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/03/2024 22:26

You deserve better. I'd be making plans to end this marriage.

The number of times I've heard that IRL. As expected, when the time acme to act, it was all empty words and no action

Easier said than done. Several of the ladies in one of the places I worked at always chatted rubbish "if he did this, did ths or did this, I'd kick him our/leave him." I'm sad to report that over the many yars I worked there and with the advent of the net then mobile phones, more people were being caught cheating and it happend to these ladies OH's - guess what, not one of them left and two had a nervous breakdown. As I said, its easier said than done

Original poster
Chocolate2020 · 05/03/2024 22:34

PermanentTemporary · 05/03/2024 22:29

This is CRYING OUT for therapy.

Tell him you want to go into couples therapy and it's non-negotiable. Tbh I think he should do solo therapy as well but maybe talk about that a little way in. And I also think you could benefit too... because there is the question here of why you ever thought 'worshipping' someone was a good thing and required you to do things that damaged you.

I mentioned this the other day and he agreed to but it seems forgotten, he was doing therapy as he has a lot of problems from childhood but he quit as he felt 'better'.

I worshiped the ground he walked on because I was a teenager and deeply loved him, it stopped the moment he threw a jealous rage over nothing.

2023-2024 I'm not allowing my children to think this is how men or anyone should behave .

OP posts:
BananaSpanner · 05/03/2024 22:35

He sounds jealous, selfish and completely unsupportive.

As a small aside though, not going to lie, I find my husband talking excessively about work really boring. He tells me so much more than I could ever want to hear, like verbal diarrhoea as soon as I walk in through the door. It is a bit much.

Original poster
Chocolate2020 · 05/03/2024 22:37

Sadly due to alchol he attempted to cheat .... this put doubt in my mind throught the relationship as he said he doesn't remember.
Did I kick him out ? Nope ....
However there will come a time where I will just go with no warning , my mother did the same and it took my dad 20 years to realise he was the problem

OP posts:
akasalishsea · 29/05/2024 15:39

Chocolate2020 · 05/03/2024 22:17

He's always had a jealous nature and I'm not exepting (his ex cheated) as an excuse anymore as this was 16 years ago and when he was 21.

I gave up my dream job as I was young and worshiped the ground he walked on and his jealousy stopped me doing alot ....
Anyway call it a midlife crisis ... my children are getting older allowing me to have a bit more freedom and I've decided to pursue my dream job (I got it) and I'm so happy not being in a dead end mind numbing 9-4.

However I'm working part time but my hours rage from 5:30 6.30pm .

For the first time since becoming a mum I'm finally feeling myself I'm not just a mum and wife I'm ME .
With my old job I rarely spoke about it to my husband unless there was gossip , since starting my new job I've had so much to talk about , like my male and female colleagues and what I get up to , where as I had 3 other people i worked with .

Since starting 2 and half weeks ago , I've been exhausted and had no time for housework (I do bare minimum and I will no longer put his clothes away ,that was due to another issue).

We have had multiple arguments weekly and during an argument he told me he feels pushed out and all I ever talk about is my new job and I've changed , he's referring to my true personality as I've felt squashed for so long hes forgotten what I was like and I reminded him how I never spoke about my job before as I did nothing note worthy.

I do asked him how his job is and he never elaborates .

He insulted My co workers and insinuated everyone "wants me".
He insulted my looks aswell and told me to go play with my hair and put makeup on ( I've started wearing makeup again and being more confident with my self and fashion )
He didnt call my ugly but made out like im vain.
I've never insulted his looks and can't understand why he try and make me not feel confident.

Had an argument tonight after him saying I've done nothing housework wise on my day off I told him what I had done and he still insisted I did nothing , he loved using the "I work full time and I earn more " excuse .

I'm going to be honest, for the past 2 months I've done less and less for him housework wise due to everything falling on me.
Apparently I'm a nagging bitch .

Oh and I think he's secretly drinking a beer when I'm out (I can tell) this effects him in a way that make him not him.
Trust me when I say the man I speak to in the mornings and during the day is not the same man in the evening, I asked him to admit his alchol usage as I'd respect him but currently being gaslit is torture .

And your children are having to live with this emotional violence? I hope both of you are not exposing them to this. Sounds like you have lived with a bully for the entire marriage and now want and expect him to change so you can be free of him? Well bullies don't go away or change without major phycological help. You can't help him but you do need to protect your children from the emotional abuse they are subjected to if you and he argue in front of them or he is coping by drinking. What you and he want, independent of each other, has nothing to do with your children's emotional well being at this time and I don't see any concerns for those but you do indicate they might still be in the home?

Sounds like you married the bad boy and he, you and your children have been paying the price of yours as well as his immaturity since then. You have somewhat matured, Saying a meaningless job offered nothing is indicative of immaturity. Any job offers financial benefits, if only to just put that money into savings for future security if one has the luxury to do so, instead of spending it on non essentials. Even a dead end job offers pay and that pay can be used to benefit one's family when budgeting occurs. Sounds like you both married young, had children, slugged it out and you want more and so went for it and he is scared you want more than him because you chose a project (man child) as a partner. Many of us have been there, done that. Many of us matured to not want a man child and left them because we realized they harmed our children and our own well being. Neither of you can see how your behavior (co dependent) affects your lives and the lives of your children. Both of you want what you want. He is claiming breadwinner, provider special status, which you gave him and unhappy you are taking that away. You are unhappy that he is resenting changes you made that upset a balance you settled for and which also sent him the message that his behavior was acceptable. He is just as confused and angry with changes he did not want as you are or have been with changes he brought to your life. Neither of you possibly have the skills to assess and deal with the effects your responses to each other is bringing to the household, your children, marriage and future. Get some counseling. If he won't go, you go.

You have a right to the life you want so long as you meet your children's emotional and physical needs. I encourage you to become financially independent through employment and continue pursuit of your work life. You can find balance with home chores if you declutter the home (massively) and engage the children to help, explaining that you are pursuing dreams and know they are disruptive to the usual routine but hope to have their support because you feel you set a better example to them to not give up their identity and dreams for a relationship no matter how much they love someone.

Your children did not ask to be born and they especially did not ask to be thrown in the middle of change neither their father or their mother is handling with maturity and grace, loving support, curiosity and a negotiated plan. Instead you two are warring over what you each individually want- utter selfishness that does not include the children's needs taken into account. Get that fixed, work on your relationship with each other. If he is violent jealous then you need more help than this forum can give so please seek that. No answer we give can help with that.

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