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Original poster

How soon would you expect to meet the adult children of new man?

21 replies

Calculuses · 05/03/2024 17:31

I'm not really that bothered about meeting them actually, have no desire to be part of their Christmases etc, but I'm bothered by the idea that I seem to be a bit of a secret.

For background, I knew him through a hobby when he was married and we were friendly but not friends. I didn't spend any time with him outside of the hobby group until after they separated, and even then it was almost a year before we moved from being single people at a lose end at weekends, to is it possible we might have something.

His ex always thought he left because of an OW. He swears that's not true. I've no reason to disbelieve him, but I know that is often the case for men. I do know absolutely categorically it wasn't me!

He says he's worried that if he tells them he's seeing me, they'll assume it's been going on much longer than it has, which could be true and I understand he wants to protect his relationship with DC. They see him as the bad guy who left and (according to him) ex has been telling them it was for OW.

Is it OK that I'm a secret? My general stance is that if something needs to be secret no good will come of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Calculuses · 05/03/2024 17:33

He's worried they'll make assumptions because it is true we knew each other before they split iyswim

OP posts:
BranchGold · 05/03/2024 17:35

How long have you been together?

I’m quite private, and don’t feel the need to mix children (and parents) until the potential of living together/marriage are on the cards.

Original poster
Calculuses · 05/03/2024 17:36

Only about 4 months. Yes, I don't especially want to "mix", it's the secrecy I don't like.

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WorkingFromHomeShite · 05/03/2024 17:38

I don’t see any reason to meet either unless there’s a specific reason eg attending an event together where the kids will be there.

Four months is nothing. I wouldn’t jeopardise my relationship with my kids for something that might only last six months.

Toblerbone · 05/03/2024 17:39

I wouldn't like being a secret, but I do have some sympathy with him in this situation. It's probably true that his ex will jump to the conclusion that you were the OW, and it's certainly possible that this might affect his relationship with his kids. As it's definitely not true, I can see why it would be important to him to avoid that happening. Maybe you do need to keep things quiet for a bit. How long have you been together?

Mumof1andacat · 05/03/2024 17:40

I would expect the person I am in a relationship with to mot keep me a secret. It would feel like there is a trust issue or he is ashamed of me.

Mumof1andacat · 05/03/2024 17:41

Even if I didn't meet the adult children yet. I would not want to be kept a secret from them

BranchGold · 05/03/2024 17:43

Are you hoping to meet them, or for them to be aware that their dad is dating?

Original poster
Calculuses · 05/03/2024 17:45

BranchGold · 05/03/2024 17:43

Are you hoping to meet them, or for them to be aware that their dad is dating?

It's more I don't want to be a secret than I actually want to meet them, but equally, I do understand his concerns. I can't see that ever changing though. Whenever he comes clean, I'm still going to be someone he knew before they split.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 05/03/2024 17:46

It's a bit early to be meeting the children, give it at least a year. It sounds as though he hasn't been long out of his marriage, be careful.

StopStartStop · 05/03/2024 17:46

Are you sure he isn't married or living with someone? Apart from that concern, I'd think four months together is absolutely nothing - there's no need to get involved with any of his family until you're thinking of marriage or living together.

Stormbornform · 05/03/2024 17:48

Four months is still really early. No need for them to know about you yet imo. Maybe if you're still together in a year?

twingiraffes · 05/03/2024 17:48

I'd give it a few months yet.

Original poster
Calculuses · 05/03/2024 17:48

StopStartStop · 05/03/2024 17:46

Are you sure he isn't married or living with someone? Apart from that concern, I'd think four months together is absolutely nothing - there's no need to get involved with any of his family until you're thinking of marriage or living together.

No, he definitely has his own place.

Yes, I don't want to be involved with them, I'm just uncomfortable that they don't know I exist. If things do progress and they find out he's been secretive about it, won't that make things worse?

OP posts:
Original poster
Calculuses · 05/03/2024 17:49

StopStartStop · 05/03/2024 17:46

Are you sure he isn't married or living with someone? Apart from that concern, I'd think four months together is absolutely nothing - there's no need to get involved with any of his family until you're thinking of marriage or living together.

I've got no intention of ever living with him, or any man, ever 🤣

OP posts:
Lightuptheroom · 05/03/2024 17:50

Slightly different as my now DH first wife died suddenly.

I never met her, didn't know her but my DS and now DH shared a hobby at that time.

I didn't meet his adult sons until 2 years after she died, but he didn't keep me a secret either. They both had an extremely negative response to me and there was no need to think about meeting until we'd decided to marry as both were still living at home with dad (age 24 and 28) the oldest one then moved out straight away.

So, wouldn't be happy with being a secret but wouldn't see any rush to meet adult children either. My experience is they will believe what they want (oldest son decided to make some very unsavoury comments about me 'waiting in the wings' ) so enjoy your relationship and let your partner enjoy whatever relationship he has with his children

StopStartStop · 05/03/2024 17:51

No, he definitely has his own place.
Good start!

I knew an older man who kept his partner secret for years, didn't tell his adult children. Eventually, when he knew his life was coming to a close, he came clean and married her. But secrecy was his thing.

StopStartStop · 05/03/2024 17:52

I've got no intention of ever living with him, or any man, ever 🤣
I like your style!

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/03/2024 17:58

I think his reluctance indicates that he likely did cheat on his ex and / or that his children are well aware there’s a somewhat shady timeline around when their parents’ relationship ended and when their dad started dating somebody else.

Regardless, if he’s worried that they’ll think you were the OW if he tells them about you now, then why is that suddenly going to change if he tells them in three months or six months or a year? Either they’ll think you were the OW or they won’t. I suspect he’ll still be dancing around with the whole secrecy schtick for a long time yet, so you either accept it (if there’s no intention to share lives then is that necessarily a huge deal?) or bin him off for someone less hassle.

Ponderingwindow · 05/03/2024 18:01

Knowing that he is dating and actually meeting you are very different things. I didn’t see any reason to meet my dad’s girlfriend until I knew she was going to be a permanent addition.

i didn’t need to make mental space in my life for his dating. I told him I didn’t mind him dating, I just didn’t want to be privy to the early details.

Original poster
Calculuses · 05/03/2024 18:03

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/03/2024 17:58

I think his reluctance indicates that he likely did cheat on his ex and / or that his children are well aware there’s a somewhat shady timeline around when their parents’ relationship ended and when their dad started dating somebody else.

Regardless, if he’s worried that they’ll think you were the OW if he tells them about you now, then why is that suddenly going to change if he tells them in three months or six months or a year? Either they’ll think you were the OW or they won’t. I suspect he’ll still be dancing around with the whole secrecy schtick for a long time yet, so you either accept it (if there’s no intention to share lives then is that necessarily a huge deal?) or bin him off for someone less hassle.

Edited

Yes, exactly my point...and even more so if he's been secretive about it.

I don't know. He says there was no one else. He was very sad when they split through "irreconcilable differences", although he does say it was his decision, she didn't want him to leave.

If there was someone else, I don't think he was still seeing her for long after the split because we became friends when he and I were two of only a few single people in the group who had loads of time on our hands. He didn't make any move on me for a long time and maintained at that time that he wanted to be alone for a while.

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