Urgh feel like an awful mother

[mumof1littlebun]

I was trying to get out to the library after school with my 3 year old and because he was having a tantrum about his clothes I left without him (dh is at home!) he was screaming as I shut the door and now I just feel awful 😕 his brother was being a pain too so I'd just had it but still feel crap that he thinks I've just left him, which I suppose I have

To be honest, I was expecting to hear much worse than that!

I did the same on Sunday. I had enough, walked out to the local shop and left eldest mid tantrum with DP. It was going to shut soon and I had no more energy to deal with his stubbornness! Did I feel bad? No, because it made sense for me to go and DP was there to deal with the tantrum aftermath!

You are feeling terrible for absolutely no reason. It would be a complete different and unforgivable story if you left him alone, but you are a good mother and did not.

Natural consequences work wonders. Don't feel guilty.

That's fine...in fact I'd say quite good parenting. Like a pp said.... natural consequences. You're messing around with your clothes therefore you can't go out.

Agree with PP, this is natural consequences.

That’s exactly what you should be doing, and consistently. Tantrum starts at a play park? Back in the car and straight home. Tantrum starts in the swimming room changing rooms, wrap back up and into the car. Tantrum before you’ve left the house then they don’t get to leave the house. Every time.

Thank you for the kind replies, I think cos I was having to hold the front door shut while I locked it as he was pulling at it and crying was what made me feel so bad

Harsh though. I suppose if they are 8 maybe,

8 is far too old to wait to start natural consequences. Far too old. You start when they are older toddlers.

But a tantrum is an expression of feelings, isn’t it?

So you’re saying - you can’t express those feelings.

Don’t get me wrong I don’t think the op did anything wrong and I have definitely walked away from tantrums but the tantrums are about things that matter to them even though they are stupid really.

Give into tantrums and you make a rod for your own back forever. All it does is teach them that if they have a tantrum they get whatever they want.

Yes agree

and they need support to express those feelings safely and resolve them.

HOWEVER it is ok and sometimes necessary to say I need to do X and we’re running out of time so I’m going to leave you here with this safe person while I do X and then I will support you with your feelings when I’m back.

kids need to be heard.

So no I would not and did not punish them by taking them by taking them home the moment they start to have a tantrum.

i would sometimes change or shorten our plans, seeing the tantrum as a communication that they were struggling to cope.

id never frame that as a punishment or their fault for ‘bad behaviour’ though.

but they also need accept the world does not revolve around them if something urgent or necessary needs to happen.

So I would calmly and firmly go to the shop and leave them with DH if that was needed.

It isn’t giving into them though, is it?

My then two year old has a massive tantrum once as he wanted a toy another child had and I gave it back to the other child. Obviously I wasn’t going to let him have it but leaving the group because of it would have just upset him not taught him not to tantrum.

I think you can try to teach kids that the feelings are ok while the behaviour isn't.

Shocking reading comprehension on this thread.