Feeling resentful over ex yeeeears on!!

[Narnian777]

Please tell me I am not the only one experiencing this ...

I was suddenly dumped and blocked by an ex 4 years ago over a minor disagreement. It was awful, heartbreaking, never really got over the trauma of it. Never heard from him again, yet I heard he had made up awful lies about me and really trashed my name in the mud locally. We still live in the same town. Occasionally I hear of him.

Turns out he's doing really well in his job (something I encouraged him to go into) - he's a pub manager now despite being in our twenties ( I think that's young to be a manager?!)

It makes me feel SO resentful that he caused me, and still causes me, so much utter misery, yet is going from strength to strength!

I actually have an, on paper, wonderful life now but struggle with depression and self esteem. It just makes me so mad that people can be awful and do bad things and hurt people, yet have great lives!! So much for karma! Is it so wrong for me to wish he would feel misery like I still do?

I know, I know, get over it!!! But, grrrrr!

Are you familiar with to the saying that resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die from it?

Why on earth are you allowing this awful person room in your head? The guy was clearly a totally jerk. You had a lucky escape, so the last laugh is on you already - you win by NOT being with him. Who cares what happens to him in his life?!? Probably it will catch up with him and 30 years from now he'll be twice divorced with several children who don't want to see him. But it shouldn't matter to you because you live your own life in a way that makes you happy and fulfilled and you won't care.

You need to work out why this man is causing you so much anger.
4 years ago is such a long time to be holding on to this resentment. How long were you together? Have you been in a new relationship since?

It's not too hard to be a pun manager in your 20's.

Karma doesn't exist

We were together only 1.5 years, but he was my first and I was head over heels.

I've been with someone else much more suited to me and much more lovely for over 3 years.

I have no idea why he still lingers on in my head. I don't know why I give him space.

The poison thing is so true! I tell myself, my best revenge is to live my life well. But still he's there in my head.

Erm no I think this is unusual so many years later and a relatively short relationship and no children. How do you even know such much about his life?

I wonder if it's actually more about the lies he told about you than his success and that's why you can't let it go. If he hadn't done that, you might have not really given him a second thought.

Very possibly. I definitely feel like I didn't get any closure - he just cut me off and I heard this stuff through common friends. I guess never being able to confront it and set the story straight has really bothered me.

Well I disagree, I think it's ok to feel some anger about what he did. You feel what you feel and you can't just turn that off.

If you hear about him or see him on social media, it will retrigger these memories and all come flooding back. If you do not hear about him, it will subside eventually. And you'll eventually have a new perspective in time. So if there's anything you can do to avoid triggers, that will help.

I was treated awfully by an ex . I found out many many years later that he had been suffering addiction and mental health issues which had been behind his awful behaviour. I was able to eventually have compassion for him but this took a long time for me to move past it and for all this info to emerge.

Pub manager is a crap job and life, just in case that helps at all -
and it’s not unusual to still need to heal, when something was that painful- especially when there’s major toxicity like devaluation.

karma does exist- think of it as energy. People are surrounded by the energy they create. If he’s a creep, it will show up reflected back to him, because the situations and interactions around him will be of his own making.

you are lucky you’re not him, and can just walk away from that kind of shit behavior. Build a better life. Focusing on gratitude is very healing.

wishing you all the best, Op. it’s easy to think someone’s life is awesome, when the truth is, if they’re a miserable sod, they’re going to continue to be so.

OK so this isn’t exactly the same (hatred vs resentment) but it’s along similar lines. The v wise Dalai Lama once said -

Hating people is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

You get it? You have to let this go. Ruminating and comparing yourself to him is doing you no good. He’s getting on with his life. Some relationships don’t work out. Whether one or the other or both people did problematic things when together. Focus on doing your own thing now and on things that help you feel better. Break that doom loop in your mind and look forwards - NOT backwards.

I think you need to be focusing on you and getting on with your bucket list in life. I felt very resentful after my last ex - talking about him on here is good to remind me why I broke it off as I do have a tendency to look back with rose tinted glasses. It sounds as though somewhere you might be doing the same, just by the way you say there was no reasoning behind him blocking you? Don't fall into the closure trap - it is done, for better or worse and while he is getting on with his life you're stuck. Maybe you could take the plunge with booking a holiday, a big something with the girls? Look at moving away or studying somewhere you won't be in his sphere? Find something you thought he might hold you back on and do it - my ex was quite boring and hated travelling/beaches/reading, so I really threw myself into doing all of those and counted my blessings he wasn't moaning about them or making me feel spendy or boring for doing them.

It is not the last time this will happen to you, but the more you have in your own life and the more plans you can make for yourself once the crap hits the fan, the better you'll bounce back. This is all about you and not about him.

Thank you so so much everyone. Your messages have really helped. Feeling a bit more positive today. I need to focus on me and find peace.

Great to hear, OP. Spring is coming! 😊