MIL wants dog - we 'may have to help out'

[pontipinemum]

My MIL - who I love so not a MIL bash, would like a dog. My dog stays with her 2 days per week and she loves him. FIL loves our dog too.

She had/has leukemia in 22/23 and was in hospital for months because of needing to be in a sterile environment after treatment. Thankfully though she has been home full time about 8 months now and seems to be getting stronger and stronger. She's in her mid 70s and they are keeping a good eye that everything is under control. She is a private person and I don't know the full details of how she is doing, but AFAIK all is good right now.

She sent me a picture of the dog and said 'You will probably have to help out with her' guessing this means if she goes back to hospital and FIL is with her.

I'm expecting DC2 this summer and have a 1.5yr old DS along with dog (who is adorable and we love but can be hard work!)

SIL is trying to talk her out of it. She lives in the city and has a job/ house that wouldn't really be suitable for a dog so it would be us. We are farmers and live about a mile away.

I of course want her to have what she wants after such an awful time and hopefully she will not go back to hospital and I won't end up with the dog.

What would you do? I don't think I'll say 'no I won't help out with the dog if needed' because I prob would.

Suggest her getting a new pooch be a family thing as your ddog would surely need a meet and greet? Any reputable place will be asking her home life circumstances.. Chance for you to help her be more honest than you maybe think she would be otherwise..

Honestly, I'd usually say no, but... a much loved, local, mother in law who looks after your dog twice a week, would love a dog, and is going through a hard time? I'd be doing my best to (persuade her son to) help.

Having said that, is it likely to be compatible with your own dog? Because separating a dogfight isn't going to do anything for the stress levels of a new mum and a leukaemia patient.

If you can’t, you can’t.
But it sounds like she’s been helping you out with dog care for a while; and if you have a dog already, would it really be any more “work”?

So she helps you out twice a week with your dog on a permanent basis yet you aren’t willing to return the favour if and when it may be needed.

she isn’t asking you to sign up for two days a week on a permanent basis. Just incase of an emergency.

It seems unfair to let her care for yours when you won't return the favour? As long as we are talking about a small, lowish maintenance dog, obviously.

It doesn’t sound ideal but if she’s helping out with your own dog I don’t think it’s fair to say no to be honest

I think you should make it clear that you might be able to help out occasionally, IF the dog is safe to have around your children, but given your own family situation, you obviously won't be able to commit to a set, regular schedule of watching their dog.

Have your ILs chosen to have your dog twice a week or are they doing you a favour?

She wants our dog 2 nights a week. I think she wants him every night a week. But we don't need her to take him. They did have our dog for a week when DS was born which was very helpful

I am willing to help her out. Of course I am.

@Scaffoldingisugly funnily on the form she filled out for the rescue place where is asked about other dogs she said 'half owner of one'!

Has mil had dogs before? Is she thinking a rescue? Believe me they're difficult to come by. We have always had 2 dogs (used to be 3) we lost one January 23, tried rescues. First put in a 100 mile radius of home. Then I got posts, England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales. I didn't want a male,staff,or old dog... we've had 3 live to 18, but it's hell saying goodbye. We have 168 ft Garden,well feny, retired,near country and beach. They all had major issues. I've had 4 rescues,2 returned for aggression towards humans. We ended up getting a puppy, she's 7 months now. Sleeping, also have an 8 year old border collie, puppy is also a BC.3 weeks after getting her,we no got Covid, first time ever,was so ill. Could see borrow your dog full time,see how it goes. Realistically, could she afford doggy day care if having a relapse or treatment?

@WelcomeMarch they probably would be. They look to be a similar size. My dog is male and 10 (neutered) he sleeps and chases birds or lies on the grass. I think he is part cat. The new dog would be 18 months and female (guessing neutered from the rescue). I don't think he will be happy to begin with but if she leaves him alone he probably won't mind.

She said it to me about 4 days before she mentioned it to DH and she sees him every day. Not sure if she thought he'd be a firm no.

My MIL went through this phase. She still works but it's neurotic about keeping a tidy house.

Anyways she had our dog overnight, when we went on holiday etc. She would ask to have him on Sundays to walk and enjoy and I think this gave her the idea a dog would be great. Then our dog got a lifelong illness, we spent 5k+ and ongoing on treatment and medication and he is only 6 so this was a shock all round. I had to take weeks and random days off work to care for him.

From then she hasn't mentioned getting her own dog, I think this shocked her to the reality and commitment of it when things don't go right.

Maybe she could contact a local rescue, there a lot of breed specific ones on FB, where she could foster a dog for 2-3 months and then if this goes well then she could get her own.

Considering they can live for 10-20 years I would suggest an older dog.

In terms of you caring for it too, I would just assume it would be a two way thing since she cares for yours too.

@Nannyfannybanny only farm dogs. Until our dog came along she very much so believed dogs were outside and they slept in the cattle shed. He has melted her. They did ask about a fenced in area. She lives on a big part of the "main farm" so loads of outside space but not fenced in - well it is for cattle. Really, I thought the recues were busting I'm in Ireland I think we send dogs from rescue to Scandinavian countries. It's so sad when dogs die :( We always had a dog growing up and they are such a part of the family

@Skiphopbump she chooses to have him She has had him when I was in hospital having DS - it was a lot longer than expected so they kept him a week. Which we were grateful for. Also when MIL was in hospital for a long time FIL asked for have dog a bit more since he was lonely. I wonder if that's why she wants a dog. For FIL in case something happens her 😨

Whilst I understand you don’t need another commitment in your life, dogs really do help keep people younger, having to take dog out exercising each day and having company is great. We have a friend who is in her 70’s and has had a rescue dog since 2019, she’s had breast cancer in 2021, broken shoulder last year and had to have it reset 2 weeks ago. She has lots of friends and can call on them, us included to walk her dog. She also has someone, who the dog can stay with when she needs it. She’s 75 now and walks about 5 miles a day and looks around 65.

Say you can’t commit to being available when you need her to be. Don’t line yourself up to be carer for a dog that could be a nightmare.
My DM bought a puppy about 2 years ago. We said we’d help on the condition that she was committed to training. She hasn’t, there’s been no consistency whatsoever, the dog is a complete dickhead. Now we have a baby and I won’t let her babysit as she has no control over the dog. She’s in denial about her competence with the dog which makes it quite difficult.

She probably assumes you will be happy to help given she's been helping with your dog for so long.

If you're worried about a weekly commitment then get your DH to speak to her to tactfully explain you can't commit to a weekly thing but are happy to help out as hoc (I assume?)

I think it depends on the breed.

Something low maintenance that is robust and not likely to suffer personality defects or be highly strung (so not a spaniel) would be fine. But if she’s after a spaniel or a GSD I’d talk her out of it.

TBH I don’t think anyone should get a dog on the assumption that they will need ‘help’ looking after it. But I think dogs can be very good for elderly people and give them companionship and a purpose…so I’m quite torn on this one!

I don't think it really matters what's 'fair' you're going to have even more on your hands when DC 2 arrives, so I think you should reply to say that you will help if you can.

My husband wants another dog but he is disabled so I'd be doing all the work. Our last two dogs lived to 19, I'm 70 and don't see me looking after an old dog when I'm in my late 80s so I'm a firm no. My neighbours are older than me, she has cancer, we've lived here nearly 30 years and they've never had pets, never so much as stroked ours but they suddenly have two little puppies. I think it is madness.

Yes,we kept reading the rescues are overflowing, but they all had behavioural issues, only dog, reactive to other dogs, people,bikes,cars, adult only home,no visiting children (we have grandchildren youngest is 1) rural. I'm in a village,that wasn't good enough. Walking mine, I have asked lots of people why they have adopted from Romania or Italy, and this is why.

@Nannyfannybanny I think grandkids is the angle SIL is pushing. MIL/ FIL love when I bring DS over for a short while and leave them to it, so long as I'm not too far away!

If she gets a dog and the dog needs to stay here sometimes I will be grand. We have the space for it. Hopefully if they get it, they'll both live into their 90s FILs parents did.

@ttcat37 that is difficult and I wouldn't let her babysit either if I was worried about the dog. This one is house trained what ever that mean. I've seen pictures I don't really know what she is, she looks like a bit like my dog and he is a king charles, pug, yorkie + something mix!