Does anyone else's teenager actually hate them?

[Dancingonthemoonlight]

Posting here because the teenager page doesn't get much answers.

Does anyone else have a teenager who actually hates them? I'm not talking about the 'I hate you' that gets thrown into arguments or when they don't get their own way I'm talking about when they express on a near daily basis that they hate you and don't want to live with you and as soon as they get to 18 they're going to go NO Contact.

My nearly 15 year old son hates me and is the says the most vilest things ever to me, is so cold towards me, doesn't mean it when he says he loves me (which is usually after I say it when I'm going to bed), we don't really talk about anything, could honestly quite happily not a say single word to me. I try and give him direction/have a chat I'm shut down or given one worded answers or I'm told he doesn't care and sworn at, he's said plenty of times that he's going to have my other 2 children taken from me because that's the one way he would finish me for good (I'm with their father but its putting us at breaking point where if we break up he may well take them) he destroys his belongings, bangs and swears whenever he's on his games (can't go on them currently since he snapped his keyboard in half and smashed his controller up), he's under CAMHS, we have a family support worker and I'm doing an NVR course. People are thinking he's Autistic (which I've thought since he was 2 years old but I've always been shut down at every point by GP/CAMHS in the past) I've honestly had enough of it. When my partner goes out and I'm alone with him I'm utterly terrified of him because he ramps the verbal abuse/manipulation/behaviours up, he smirks at me and laughs at me when hes upset me.

Please do not tell me this is a phase because I don't know ANY other teenager (within my friendship group or growing up) who acted like this, all my friends are shocked when they hear the truth. I feel more and more alone as each day passes dealing with him. If his father was still alive I'd 100% send him to live with his dad but that's obviously not an option now. I'm feeling completely broken down and I don't know how I'm going to manage the next 3 years of this.

Oh goodness this sounds so hard.

I don't have anything useful to say, except he sounds like a scared little boy inside, and maybe you want to post on the SEN board for advice about the verbal abuse and other behaviours. I've seen the Yvonne Newbold resources recommended before, but not read them myself.

That sounds horrible and not normal behaviour. You definitely need outside support. I'd like to say CAMHs but they're less than reliable. I hope someone can offer some advice here.

What a horrific situation for you OP. What is CAMHS saying? Does he cooperate with CAMHS?

Have a look here - potential source of additional support for you:

www.pegsupport.co.uk

As above, see Newbold Hope (Yvonne Newbold) on Facebook. Many of us are going through this and we managed to turn it around with our son. Have you also had a look at "Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) Support Group" Facebook page? It is also very useful

Some things just can't be fixed.

If you let him stay he will destroy what's left of your family.

He's 15, tell SS that you don't want him there anymore. If he wants no contact, let him have it. Why should you suffer just because he's your son! Makes no difference who he is, an abuser is an abuser, end of.

I am so sorry, that sounds really difficult. I have no direct experience but have an asd 17 year old so know a bit about that and an 18 year old NT.

There is a group of Facebook called Parenting Mental Health and that does have parents on there in similar situations - some have had the child taken into local authority care by social services when things have become too difficult at home but that's normally on child's insistence and where they are placed is very far from ideal.

The other thing is sometimes children behave this way towards a parent when there are other issues in their life like school or bullying or both, both of which asd is high risk for. It may be worth when he's calm having a chat with him to see if can get anything out of him re school / friends and see if there is a big issue there. It would be worth asking him why he behaves in this way to see if it can give any clue to resolving it.

You say his father is dead, could that be the trigger? Does he think you treat his 2 siblings who presumably have a different father differently? Just trying to think of possible causes. It could also be he's scared of losing you so pushing you away to deal with pain now. Sorry I wish I had more advice but I do think it may improve with time even though it may not seem that way. Hope things get better for you all.

He's got a crisis team meeting today as I found a note saying he planned to off himself, he's saying he's not going to talk to them. He really only speaks to family support worker, doesn't tend to engage with CAMHS, speaks to school purely to get out of doing PE. So when hes got nothing left to speak to them about (we'd had an argument last week which lead to him talking to school about it) what's he going to start making up? I honestly feel at this point that if he's given no reason to talk about me negatively he may well start lying and its not a nice feeling or thought. When I ask him why he hates me he just says 'I'm not talking to you' which would indicate that hes actually not got a reason.

He is completely unparentable, I cannot parent him, cannot put rules or boundaries in place, even simple chores. He does whatever he wants, sleeps when he wants, etc. This is not how I imagined my 1st born would be like. I fear il end up with some PTSD if we get out the other side of this. Il look into all resources available, il continue to fight for him but that fight is growing weaker with each time he's being horrible.

Don't do this, OP. I work in child protection, the care system is beyond broken, and to send an already damaged CHILD into it is signing away their entire future.

CAMH's are good but not able to give the intense support needed.

I see a lot of young people improving under youth support programmes, often being mentored by adults who have been where they are. Sports as a focus is another great outlet that I see as well as strong boundaries at home. Your son wasn't born like this, you're doing so well. Don't give up on him, please. Not yet. He still has so much growing to do.

The Parenting Mental Health do run parents support groups online where you can chat to other parents for an hour and a moderator, it probably won't solve anything but can make you feel less alone. They also run a course as well, not sure it would be any use, there's a book too.

@Penguinsa he didn't really know his father, he has expressed many times that this is nothing to do with his father's passing. We are awaiting bereavement therapy but I don't believe that's the issue with how many times he's repeated to me and various others that he simply doesn't care about his dad passing.

Yes I probably do treat my younger children differently but then that's because I can enjoy being in their presence and they don't treat me like crap, they aren't telling me to fuck off calling me bitch, whore, stag, wishing me dead etc so I'd rather spend my time with them then sitting in silence/holding anxiety in around my teen. This has been happening for years, roughly around 5 years and its progressively gotten worse and probably will get even more worse with him. Eventually every mother/father would start to back off and focus on the children that don't cause any issues to their mental health or make then feel worthless.

This sounds like a terrifying situation for you. Has there been physical as well as verbal abuse?

I'm so sorry, this is very difficult. He sounds mixed up so it's a really good thing he's on CAMHS list. Can you get interim counselling for him with someone who specialises in ASD, if you do believe he's struggling with teens and undiagnosed autism. I know it's not enough but it offer you an opportunity to demonstrate to him your love and reassure. Although it's hellish and he's making life miserable he sounds terrified of growing up and away from you. I was quite similar for all my teens and years and years later after many difficulties was diagnosed with a serious MH condition. My relationship with my Mum was the most important one and closest one in my life but it took me until mid 20's to be able to cope with the separation that growing up involves. I know I caused my Mum heartbreak and trauma and decades later it still really upsets me. Inside, your son is possibly emotionally dysregulated and scared and needs constant reassurance that he's liked by you. So much of this kind of behaviour can be rooted in fear and attachment difficulties. Just sitting alongside and dnoing something v simple together can help rebuild, watch his favourite film, make toast, ask him about gaming, can he show you something he likes, nobody else just you two.

I think sometimes people who say they don't care about things care the most and also asd aren't always self aware.

I completely understand why you treat your other two differently with his behaviour but I wonder if he feels unloveable - especially if his Dad left and that's why he is taking it out of you - testing if you love him no matter what. I would take a I love you but I don't love your behaviour type approach and try and do things that show you love him. He will likely reject initially but its trying to break the negative cycle. Try not to think about it as him thinking you are worthless, more than he's a very troubled child and you are the easiest thing to hurt and you are getting the pain inside him. Very tough for you though and would break anyone.

This is the PMH course / book and I know a number of parents on there have had success with it.

https://suzannealderson.thinkific.com/courses/Partnering-not-parenting-self-study

I’m in a similar situation with my D. I can’t say I have any answers-it’s horrible and my DH and I have been traumatised by her behaviour. It is abuse, anyone else doing it to you and you would be advised to have nothing to do with them but because it’s your child you have to put up with it and what’s more, support and advocate for them.

It’s impossible and I’m sorry you are in this situation but I hear you and I understand. I have 2 other children too and they are great kids who I love to spend time with. But my time is monopolised by her and we are constantly in crisis and I can see their lives being ruined by this too.

Child to parent abuse is real it is happening but not spoken about enough because its your child.
We wont take it from a man or a woman or a stranger but we take it from our children.
SEN is not always to blame some children are just awful some change some get worse.
It not always the teen years or a faze their just basterds.
I know a few that have just never got on with their parents and stopped all contact and some the parents have had them removed.
No one should live in fear.
We can choose our friends but we can't choose our family.

i've got girls, depends what time of the month it is. Most days they are perfectly lovely little humans but for about 5 days a month they turn into evil scary horrid witches. It is actually frightening

Hereyoume

Some things just can't be fixed.

If you let him stay he will destroy what's left of your family.

He's 15, tell SS that you don't want him there anymore. If he wants no contact, let him have it. Why should you suffer just because he's your son! Makes no difference who he is, an abuser is an abuser, end of.
horrendously sad advice. If everyone just left everyone else high and dry, especially those with mh issues, wouldn’t the world just be the most fucked up place? Op some things we found helped a little (not an extreme a situation but not great, definitely hormonal as at times when he was shouting it looked like he was shocked he was doing it:
just slowly moving him away slightly from his comfort space- his room, making the rest of the house more it by asking him could he help with stuff
trying to get him to come out on the odd walk or outside to help with garden (bribing with food, tv etc)
basically it was like bringing him back to being a kid again- hangman, noughts and crosses, asking could I watch him play Minecraft/YouTube and just sitting with him
going out in the car and just chatting or not
when he said I hate you or the like I’d just sigh and shrug, no reply.
more family game nights/ poker etc
asking him to help me cook etc
basically in our case it was to move him from screens and his room then would ask him did he want to go on screens and leave him to it.
Bone of this may help but we’re getting on better now, less shouting at least x

Professionally i have seen this before and yes he was Autistic. He was just awful to his mum. He was adapted and i think they may attachment disorder going on.

If you have found a note saying he is planning to kill himself then I think you can assume there are some fairly severe mental health problems going on here.

The fact that he says he does not care about his father's death does not mean it hasn't had an impact, it just means he can't or won't express it to you.

If he is actively suicidal then he hates his life. If as you say he may be autistic then it is quite likely he isn't able to understand his own emotions and will have difficulties expressing them

He may be alexithymic, it is common in people with autism.

www.autistica.org.uk/what-is-autism/anxiety-and-autism-hub/alexithymia#:~:text=Alexithymia%20is%20a%20term%20to,5%20autistic%20people%20have%20alexithymia.

A suicidal possibly autistic teenager needs your help. You don't have to like him but he does need help, getting on the waiting list for a diagnosis, therapy, possibly drugs for his depression.

People with mental health issues are often hard to live with.

You do need to protect your own time and your own health. Look into if there are support groups for parents of autistic teens/children locally as there will be plenty of other parents in your position.