Always on the outside of a group

[Moodul]

Does anyone else have this, where they always seem to be on the peripheries of a group? I do have friends but only a few who I see 1:1 - in a group setting I don't seem to be able to project myself and end up hanging round the edges. This is the case at work and at the school gates with the other parents - people aren't unfriendly to me or anything, I just don't tend to get included in stuff. I am quite introverted but I don't think I'm unfriendly, always make the effort to say hello and chat.

It has been like this my whole life, was exactly the same at school and uni. I've noticed my 7 year old son, who is very similar to me in personality, has the same - no one dislikes him or is horrible to him particularly but he just doesn't seem to get noticed in a group setting, being a quiet and compliant child he doesn't stand out next to the more outgoing kids. I always felt quite lonely at school for that reason and I don't want him to feel that way. We do all sorts of clubs and things with him and it is always the same in any kind of group setting.

It's not like I want to be the centre of attention or anything but it would be nice to feel like I was part of the group sometimes.

Does anyone else have this?

People notice people for different reasons.

Think about why you notice people in a group setting.

I am thinking of the last time I met quite a big group of women I didn’t know and it was a few weeks ago. We had all come together as volunteers so in theory have a common aim.

One was very tall and confident a bit like a majestic Viking, had a sort of head girl vibe. She was very noticeable.

I was a quiet child which DH struggles to even comprehend. I had a very outgoing younger sister, so was overshadowed. She always got starring roles at school and was centre of attention always. I just forced myself out of my comfort zone as an older teen.

it’s not about being loud it’s just about interacting, I have joined in with chatting about stuff I am not remotely interested in it’s all low level crap at first and then after time people reveal their true selves and at that point it’s a friend to make and keep or avoid.

crossposted with your latest.

I should clarify that what we are doing to help our children is giving them these hobbies where they can start with one to one interactions as a scaffold.

We have tried team sports and it's just not gelled (probably because we are fairly antisocial ourselves!) so we've gone for a more scaffolding approach now.

Music is also a good route. Orchestras give a great scaffold where they have a purpose to be there and a designated seat, but a bit of a chance to chat. County training bands start from quite a low level and build. Doing it outside school can be less pressuring too.

I have asd and adhd. I feel like people sense it at times 😂

I'm in my forties now and it bothers me less. I have a lovely family and we do lots together, a couple of mum friends I occasionally meet for a coffee and two old friends who I see every few months.
I also joined a book club and occasionally go to a quiz night that's a ladies group in my area.

Like @AyeOopDuck, I’m trying to think of what makes me notice people and/or gravitate towards them in group settings where I don’t know anyone. I was at an intensive weekend course in January — 8 till 6 Saturday and Sunday, with an hour for lunch and coffee breaks midway through morning and afternoon sessions. I look for strong and interesting personalities — if someone had said something I found interesting in the sessions, I would be more likely to seek them out at the break. I like articulate, thoughtful people.

I'm exactly like this and so is my son, it is just being an introvert and there is nothing wrong with it. I think finding other introverts helps as extroverts seem to think you are quiet/dull if you aren't as loud and outgoing as them.

I’m never listened to, I’m always talked over. I’ve pretty much given up now. I stay silent in group meetings at work and rarely see people socially now unless it’s one to one. I always feel like a right lemon sat on the end of a group being ignored.

It’s nothing to do with introversion, which has nothing to do with how you present socially. I’m an introvert (in that I need vast amounts of time alone to compensate for socialising), but am socially confident, and certainly don’t feel peripheral in group situations.

Maybe you need to see your actual friends more so that you are feeling more socially satisfied. That way it won't matter about being on the periphery of other groups.

The groups that you are on the periphery of are likely close friends like the ones you have in different areas of your life.

How often do you initiate stuff? Could it be that you are waiting to be invited rather than going ahead and inviting people. Since it's you that wants more connections I think it's on you to make it happen. (Just a suggestion)

Do you relate at all to RSD Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria? If so you might be reacting to perceived rejection rather than actual rejection.

I wish you social fulfilment. 💐🌈

How fulfilled are you in other aspects of your life? Just wondering if other dissatisfaction is spilling onto this.

I have adhd and am like this. So are my children. I think it’s because it’s so difficult to manage interactions when there’s more people. I can enjoy a group of 3 but prefer 2. Can’t manage more than 3.
I’m happy with it, but my dc aren’t yet.